Love Stinks
by kurosora1984
Summary: Two guys with the blues, the reds, and the pinks. Only thing they're sure of is...love stinks. AkuRoku.  For Beutelmaus Of The Infinite Patience, with Love.
1. You Just Can't Win

**Author's Note:** Well, I'm over _four fucking months late_, and have sucked at updating in general lately, but despite my general phail, this is a belated birthday present to the beautiful **Beutelmaus**! Epic goddess that she is, I still tremble in awe when she shines her goodness upon little me. 8D

So_ happy birthday Barbara!_ May the coming chapters eventually justify themselves and be pleasing to you. (She wished for fluff...I think this fic will be anything but. See? Phail.) ^^;

This and all future chapters disclaimed.

* * *

Chapter 1 ~ You Just Can't Win

With a loud groan, Axel let his forehead drop onto the polished wooden surface of the bar, clunking heavily and making Roxas' glass jump and clatter. The blond's expression of concern flickered a moment, replaced by a wince. Axel's voice was a whimper, muffled against the wood.

"Ow…"

Roxas sighed, bringing his face back into the appropriate concerned look and reaching his arm over to the man beside him, patting gently at the back of his jacket. The bartender shot him a raised-eyebrow glance, and Roxas just shrugged and tried to look apologetic. He didn't need to explain. Two young men in full tuxedos at nine on a Saturday night, both wearing boutonnières – Axel's white, Roxas' deep blue with pale champagne accents to match the bridesmaids' dresses and the whole wedding color scheme – well, it was pretty clear where they'd come from. And, given the ex-groom's condition, anyone could guess that the wedding hadn't gone as planned.

"Don't hurt yourself, Ax. Come on, sit up…" Roxas' hand had gone from patting to rubbing slow circles on his best friend's back, and he needed to stop that. Soon. To his relief, Axel picked his head up slowly, giving Roxas the needed cue to take his hand back. Both went back to their drinks, Roxas to his second rum and coke, Axel to his… _Shit._ Roxas had lost count. That wasn't good. He was supposed to make sure Axel didn't drink too much…vodka. _Great._

For about the millionth time since arriving – Roxas had lost count of this, too – Axel moaned his new favorite catch phrase. "What'd I do wrong? God, Roxas…what'd I do wrong?" At least, Roxas knew his friend was saying that, though it sounded more like, "Whuddyedorung?"

In short, Axel's wedding had been scheduled for seven o'clock, and Tifa had never appeared. He'd been left standing at the altar.

Right next to his best man.

And after everything – the fucked-up service, the excuses to the guests, the frantic phone calls, the general panic and chaos among the wedding party and close family, the horrible five minutes at the "reception," the announcement to everyone that apparently the wedding was off but please eat all the food anyway because the caterer didn't do refunds, then the final emotional crash when Axel simply couldn't face anyone anymore – after all that, Roxas had stepped in calmly, explained to Axel's mother, and dragged his best friend out of there to go drinking. Axel needed it. Roxas could tell. He'd been reading his best friend like a book since they met in college.

He did so now, too. Checking Axel's expression quickly, he analyzed his friend's distress level. Roxas had a couple possible responses to choose from. _You didn't do anything wrong, Ax. She's just a big-breasted whore. _Too harsh. _You decided to marry a __**woman**__, you dick. You were asking for this all along. _Again, too harsh! Nicer, damnit! Axel looked really…close to tears, actually.

"It wasn't your fault, Ax. We just have to wait and see. She's a sensible person, I'm sure she has her reasons. She'll explain them for you, just be patient." _I'll fucking make her explain. She'll fix this, or I'll rip her tits off._ "Maybe things will still work out, you know?"

Axel tried to shake his head and nearly face-planted into the bar again. Roxas decided it was almost time to go. He needed to stop soon too… "I dun think so…" Axel mumbled into his drink, still looking hopeless and heartbroken. "She wouldn't've done that if there was a chance. I musta fucked it up somehow. Fucked it up bad. I jus' can't think _how!_"

Roxas decided a little gentle squeeze around Axel's shoulders wouldn't seem amiss here, and went ahead and indulged himself for a moment. Axel was a very physical person and would feel comforted; he knew that. And Roxas…just couldn't resist drawing in a deep breath while he was this close, catching Axel's scent under the alcohol and smoke in the bar. To make it seem natural, he let the inhale out in a long sigh.

"No, Ax. It is _not_ your fault. Even if you did something wrong, she shouldn't have done that. But don't think about this anymore. Come on, we gotta go. Come on, stand up."

"Nuhhhh…wanna nother drink…" Axel flopped limply against the bar, and Roxas couldn't lift his dead weight. They really needed to go, though… If Roxas stayed and had another drink, he might start losing control of which thoughts came out of his mouth, and which actions he allowed himself. And a loyal, supportive, best-friend best man needed to be careful at times like these. Since moving-in day, freshman year, it had never been the time to let Axel know certain facts. Now, of all times, things were no different.

"No, Ax, come on. We really gotta go." Roxas already knew where, too. And it would mean a tricky evening for him, but it couldn't be helped. Axel didn't have a home to go back to anymore – at least, taking him back to his and Tifa's apartment in this condition probably wasn't a good idea – and his accommodations for tonight were…not happening. He was supposed to be on a plane right now, headed off for his honeymoon… "You can come to my place, OK? You can have another drink there. We can keep drinking, we just gotta go before we're too drunk to get home, OK?"

Letting Roxas pull him from the barstool, Axel lurched forward heavily, barely caught and supported by the shorter young man. "What'd I _do?_ Why's she _hate_ me?"

Getting a better grip on his best friend and feeling relieved that he'd already paid, Roxas began their slow, stumbling progress toward the door, once again biting back thoughts like, _Because she's a brainless twit who never deserved you, not for a second, never once,_ and opting for the more consoling, "She _doesn't_ hate you, Ax. She _loves_ you. Just be patient." _Taxi, taxi…there! _Roxas hailed a cab, gently maneuvered Axel into the back seat, gave the driver his address, and sat back, trying not to sit too close or lean toward the sniffling redhead. He didn't need the temptation… But his self-control turned out to be useless, because one turned corner later, Axel had slid limply over and seemed content to stay put, leaning heavily on his patient, understanding, trembling, barely-restrained best man.

~o~

In Roxas' life, three things were true: he'd never get along with dogs, he could always, always kick Hayner's ass in Struggle, and nothing in life ever went his way. For instance, if things were going Roxas' way, Axel wouldn't be here in his apartment, wasted, while Roxas' own judgment was simultaneously impaired by a little too much rum. But, along that line of thinking, if things were going Roxas' way, Axel wouldn't have been getting married in the first place. He wouldn't have been dating that woman. She would never have showed up on the radar, not even with those giant knockers.

But truth held true, and here they were, Roxas holding Axel's hair back as the young man bent miserably over the toilet. He could only be glad it hadn't happened until now. Roxas had barely gotten Axel out of the top half of his tux before the redhead went suddenly ashen and the blond had to help him race for the bathroom.

Axel groaned and coughed and started up again, and Roxas held his breath and leaned back, still gripping most of Axel's hair, and tried not to let his own stomach get any ideas. If only he had a hair tie or something…but no. As girly as this situation was, Roxas didn't have things like that. _If I had ribbons and clips…if I was a girl…if I was born a cute little girl, if I had breasts and nice legs and long hair…would you have seen me…?_

It wasn't the first time he'd thought this way…or wished things that no one else made him wish, ever.

Axel had stopped, and was falling over, groaning and attempting to pass out on the bathroom floor. "Woah, hey, come on Ax, don't do that." Roxas grunted as he tried to haul on the larger young man's limp form. "Help me out here man, come on, let's get you cleaned up." At length, coaxing endlessly, Roxas was able to get Axel to make an effort, rinse his mouth with Listerine, and stumble to Roxas' bedroom, collapsing on the bed.

Roxas' head was beginning to spin rather badly by this point, and Axel was automatically curling into a miserable ball. The blond considered leaving him to sleep it off like this and going to crash on his couch…but responsibility argued back. And maybe…maybe just a little bit of a nagging desire to stay near.

"Hey, Ax, come on, you can't sleep in your slacks. That tux is a rental, we can't ruin it. Come on, get them off…" It would be good if he could get Axel into pajamas or something, but at this rate, boxers and the beater he was wearing were probably going to have to be good enough.

Axel whimpered, not listening, not helping, and leaving Roxas to roll his eyes and begin to struggle the pants off while studiously contemplating the effects of advanced gangrene, the smell of incontinent old people, the vomiting Axel had just done…anything to keep his mind off what he was doing, seeing, touching, _wanting_…

"S'all over…I'll never find another girl like her…she was so amazing…" Roxas swallowed a lump in his throat and blinked suddenly stinging eyes and pulled the slacks off, trying not to listen, trying to get the covers out from under Axel and tuck the sniffling ex-groom in.

"I'll never love anyone again…" Axel's low, miserable voice cracked. Roxas felt the ever-present thorn of pain in his stomach twist deeper.

Giving up on the blankets and sitting weakly on the bed, Roxas tried to steady himself before taking up his role of comforter again. "Ax…don't say that…" He pulled the redhead by the shoulder, bringing Axel to face him again, trying to convince him, trying not to breathe too hard at the sight of so much vulnerability in his best friend. "Look…it'll be OK. If it doesn't work out…there are others out there…" Roxas paused, his expression wavering, trying to gather the willpower to talk about the _women_ Axel could expect to meet in the future. The beautiful women, the loving ones, the hot ones…the women he could fuck, the ones he could fall in love with, marry, have a family with… _Fuck, fuck, fuck, stop it! _Roxas blinked rapidly again.

Axel was still mumbling miserably on the edge of tears. "No…there's nobody like her…she was perfect…she's sweet, and fuckin' hot, an' she blew me better than…than anybody. She's gotta come back an'…an' do that thing with her tongue again…"

This wasn't Axel at his best. Roxas knew that. And his relationship hadn't been defined by oral sex. Roxas knew that too. Axel was just drunk. That was obvious. But in that moment, it pissed Roxas off to no end that Axel had been planning to marry this woman, and now the one thing that stood out enough to be missed was the way she blew him. Either that, or Roxas was just pissed because she'd gotten to do that for him, be with him…taste…him…

Jealousy. Jealousy and desire and a bitter, futile anger boiling up, raging at the universe that took the _one thing in life_ that he had ever _truly_ wanted and gave him to some _woman_ who'd thrown him away for God-knew-what-reason. It made Roxas want to cry. It made him want to scream. And the hunger, the alcohol-muddled-and-intensified _need_ in his gut made him think, _Who says she was so fucking good? I could do a lot better…you'd see…_

Senses sharpening and instincts taking over rationality, Roxas studied Axel's face. Miserable. Very drunk. Close to passing out. _There's no way he'll remember any of this in the morning. He probably won't even remember how we got here. He'll forget…so it doesn't matter…_

Smoldering blue eyes examined Axel's boxers for a long moment.

When Roxas' hands moved, they moved with an impulsive suddenness that completely hid any trace of nervousness or uncertainty. Quickly and smoothly, they pushed up the hem of the beater, revealing a slender, toned stomach and a trail of fine red hairs that made Roxas gulp. The next moment – before he could come to his senses – his hands moved down again, slipping over Axel's hips and skillfully removing the redhead's boxers.

His traitorous hands didn't stop there, either. They followed the downward path those devouring blue eyes took, drinking in the sight Roxas had dreamed of – dreams that he hated, but never wanted to end. Dreams that were real now, real. He was touching Axel, not hearing the confused, "Hnn?" as the redhead began to attempt to regain focus. Ignoring everything else, Roxas leaned down, his hand slipping under Axel's member to lift the soft flesh to his lips, to kiss…and then to caress in a long, slow lick, trailing toward the base.

He didn't see Axel's head fall back and green eyes slip closed, but he heard the confused and pleasured groan, and he felt the response in his hand as well. Whatever sense he'd still clung to in some back corner of his mind was evaporated now, Roxas riding on waves of drunken lust and long-ignored heartbreak, losing control and forgetting everything other than _Axel's, Axel's…it's his cock, __**his**__, I want…want…__**want…**_

Mind blank, Roxas opened his lips against the head, slipping them forward over the shaft until he had Axel fully in his mouth. He suckled gently at first, tasting the warm, slightly-salty flesh, moving slowly and not daring to look up. _He won't remember anyway, don't look, don't look…_ He concentrated on the sounds of heavy breathing, the occasional grunt…the feeling of Axel growing aroused, quickly getting harder, thicker, and longer as Roxas bobbed his head a little faster. Soon Axel was fully hard, and Roxas was working his tongue expertly around his friend's arousal. He drew back to thrust his tongue into Axel's slit, and was rewarded with a jerk of the man's hips and a low moan. Glancing up involuntarily, Roxas could see the redhead lying back, eyes nearly shut, his whole posture surrendered to pleasure. Sighing with relief and desperate yearning, Roxas moved around his friend's erection, nibbling gently, kissing with open lips and sucking pressure, licking and massaging the man's sac, and sliding his hands up and down, stroking fast. Axel had been average while flaccid…and Roxas hadn't known he was a "grower." But now…now he was much bigger. Impressive, really. It explained a few things – that cocky attitude he'd had in college, for one. He'd grown up a little since then, but Axel was still prone to a self-assured smirk now and then, especially when the topic of sex came up. Roxas understood one possible reason why, now. And as he took Axel into his mouth again, moving his head and hands fast together, he let his mind run wild with the thought of this cock inside him, stretching him open, pounding into his ass, deep, deeper…

A trembling hand clutched the back of his head, and Roxas glanced up, nervous. But Axel still wasn't looking, he was just grabbing and groaning more and pulling, trying to drive Roxas down as his hips lifted into his mouth, thrusting erratically. Opening his throat, Roxas let Axel force himself deeper, all the way. He maintained control though, pinning Axel's hips with his free hand, holding him there and allowing himself time to swallow repeatedly around the weeping head of his erection. He could taste Axel's flavor on his tongue now, salty and warm, and all Roxas wanted to think about was that taste, or maybe the feeling of Axel's precome making things slick as Roxas continued to fantasize about his friend fucking him…oozing inside him until he came, pulsing and shooting this hot fluid into Roxas, filling him, satisfying him so deeply. _Fuck…Axel…__**Axel!**_

Roxas groaned, thrusting hard and fast now, pressing with his tongue as much as he could. Axel's fingers gripped tightly, fisting in his hair painfully, but Roxas didn't care. He let go with his hands and gave in to Axel's lead, letting the redhead pound up into his mouth. His own groin was throbbing in agony by now, and Roxas needed to get relief. His hands attacked his pants, freeing his erection and grabbing tight, jerking himself off fast.

He was sucking hard when he felt it start, and Roxas didn't back off. _Yes…yes, come, please…I want it…_ He groaned hard, hearing Axel grunt as he released, hot come shooting into Roxas' mouth in pulsing spurts as Axel moaned and came and came and came. Roxas couldn't see – his eyes were open but everything was a blur – but he could taste and feel and hear, and he swallowed again and again, drinking Axel's release without hesitation. It was a gift…the only chance he'd ever have. And it was Axel. He wanted everything; he didn't care.

Axel collapsed with a sigh, and Roxas, not yet finished, attacked the softening flesh, licking every inch and cleaning every trace away, still pulling on his own erection frantically. At the end, he turned his face, burying it in Axel's thigh, gasping and panting helplessly against sweaty skin, curling in on himself and coming, coming into his hands with a bitten back whimper…and then a final sigh, "Axel…"

Warmth pulled away, and Roxas opened his eyes, mind waking up slightly. Axel was curling onto his side, sighing and drifting off to sleep. Blue eyes went wide, a shudder running down Roxas' spine. With a deep, slow breath, the blond stood. An unnatural calm had come over him – Roxas, after all, had never been one to panic. In a crisis, he was the one who acted quickly, even coldly with emotional detachment.

Now, blue eyes raced over his friend, taking in Axel's condition. Reacting quickly, Roxas grabbed for his tissues and swiped his hands clean. Then, he reached down and slipped Axel's boxers back up. The redhead was clean, after all – Roxas was fairly sure there would be no conclusive evidence by morning. He would need to be clothed, though. And, rather than risk waking the sleeping man by struggling with the blankets, Roxas stepped swiftly out of the room, grabbing an extra blanket from the hall closet and bringing it back to tuck Axel in. The dirty tissues were thrown out in the bathroom trash, and Roxas checked the area to make sure he hadn't…left any mess. Reassured, he was about to leave Axel to sleep…but paused a moment. Just one moment…just long enough for the yearning to come back, gnawing at him with the thought that everything was going back to the usual, everyday quiet misery now. And there was guilt starting up too…but not enough to stop him from taking advantage one more time.

Roxas leaned down, his face beginning to show his misery, and brushed a slow kiss over Axel's temple. Then, he turned out the lights and left his best friend to sleep, making his way to his living room couch. Flopping down, Roxas curled up, burying his head in his arms as guilt flooded him completely, constricting his throat and bringing hot tears to his eyes. And, still somewhat drunk, all the blond could really do about it was muffle his sobs in an attempt to remain quiet, as the emotional exhaustion of what had to be the longest day of his life finally overwhelmed him.

~o~

A crash from somewhere in another room woke Axel with a start, green eyes snapping open in blank surprise for one moment of confusion before the hangover hit and he promptly stopped caring about anything else. His head felt like it was splitting open and he felt lightheaded and didn't want to move an inch. But then Axel felt his stomach heave and his gut twist threateningly, and he lurched up from the bed and bolted for the door, his only thought a desperate hope that he was somewhere within range of a bathroom.

Fortunately, he recognized Roxas' apartment almost at once, and quickly turned in the direction of the bathroom, catching a glimpse of the blond himself over in the kitchen. In that flash, Roxas glanced up at him, looking startled. But Axel didn't stop – moving was making his body revolt even more furiously.

_Oh fuck…I musta been drinking vodka…_ Axel was forced to make use of the toilet and a bucket at the same time, and for about 20 minutes, life was quite simply hell on earth for the redhead.

After countless prayers to God promising that he'd never touch alcohol again, never, not as long as he lived if _only_ it would _stop right now_, Axel finally began to be able to breathe normally again…and think a little, even though his head was still killing him. And the first thing that came to his mind was the way Roxas had looked in the kitchen. Not even so much startled as…terrified. Deer in the headlights. _Why on earth…? Did I scare him?_

Reaching a long arm out weakly for the sink – lucky again that Roxas' bathroom was small and he could reach the tap and a glass – Axel slowly sipped some water and sat waiting for the second wave of agony. He wished it wouldn't come, but if he'd really been drinking vodka…it was a miserable likelihood.

_How did we get here anyway? Roxas must have brought me back…_ Axel was fumbling in the drawer under the sink, looking for some painkillers to ease his throbbing headache. He found something that looked strong enough and took three. Then he leaned as far away from the bucket as possible – the smell wasn't helping his headache _or_ his stomach.

He was just beginning to remember what had happened yesterday when the second wave hit. The timing was beautiful – he was washed in a wave of physical and emotional agony at virtually the same moment. When the nausea finally began to clear again – after only five minutes this time – Axel was listlessly wiping tears from his cheeks.

His mind chose that moment to flash a very sudden, clear, and inexplicable picture at him.

_Blond hair and flushed cheeks and hazy, unseeing blue eyes and pale lips…wrapped snugly around his cock._

Axel froze. Staring in shock past a nonexistent spot on the wall in front of him, he felt like his cold, clammy forehead had just been nailed by a napalm bomb – in short, he blushed brighter than a virgin schoolgirl. _Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck what the fucking fuck is __**that?**_ It was his imagination, right? It wasn't…a memory…_no way_. _No fucking way_. He'd imagined it. Yes. _But why the fucking hell would I imagine…imagine…__**that?**_Axel shuddered and tentatively tried to remember.

_Roxas' tongue played over his shaft, stroking fast as he thrust in and out and in again, fast, hard, the pleasure so sinful, so incredibly __**good**__, the vibrations as Roxas' voice reached him making him quiver and then come and come…_

_No. What the fuck?_ There was some mistake, there _had_ to be. First of all, no way. Second of all, _no fucking way_. And finally, _why the fuck would Roxas _– a confirmed _guy_ last time Axel checked – _be so fucking good at sucking his cock?_ It didn't make sense. Maybe there'd been a girl…maybe Axel had gotten a blow job from some chick while he was drunk, and his mind was putting Roxas in her place, for some insane reason. Or maybe it was all just a memory of some fucked-up dream. Blame it on the vodka. Yeah. That stuff did _bad, bad_ things to Axel.

He'd half convinced himself already, and then the third wave of sickness hit. It didn't last long, and when it was over Axel was pretty sure he could try to clean himself up now, but… _It's too clear. If it was some girl, why do I remember __**Roxas**__ so clearly? And if it was a dream…same thing. _ The problem was in the details. Everything before and after was more or less blank, and even in this shocking memory there were holes. But the parts that Axel could recall – the snippets that filtered into his mind – were just too full of unmistakable details. Details his brain shouldn't have been able to invent, because he knew he'd never seen Roxas wear expressions even close to that before…and on that note, he'd never been _blown_ like that before. So where the hell had his brain gotten the material for these details and this dream? _Maybe from some old porno?_ It was Axel's best guess, and he felt far from convinced by it.

Unfortunately, he didn't even think to check for physical evidence of any sexual activity…until halfway through his shower. Axel hadn't even bothered to call out the door to Roxas that he was taking one. Roxas wouldn't mind, and he felt like shit and could think of little else but the lingering nausea, the splitting headache, and his mind-fucking, _not a real_ memory. When he realized he should have checked for dried come and it was now too late and he had no idea if there had been any, Axel jumped and cussed at himself…and almost slipped and fell.

Feeling cleaner but just as confused, Axel composed himself and left the bathroom at last, shuffling back down the hall, wrapped in a towel. Trying to sound casual, he called toward the kitchen, "Roxas, do you still have any of my clothes around here?"

Roxas poked his head out of the bedroom door, two feet away. "Yeah…" He began loudly.

"Ack!" Axel jumped, startled to find Roxas where he hadn't expected him. Roxas looked surprised too, as he lowered his voice to a conversational level…and Axel grabbed frantically at his towel to keep it on.

"…Oh, there you are, sorry. Yeah I was just looking for them, hang on." Roxas vanished into the room again, and Axel found himself taking a deep breath to calm his jitters before following him. He _had_ to shut off his _brain_ somehow. He kept seeing Roxas' face in his _non-memory_, and it was…making it hard to act natural.

Roxas was facing away from him when he stepped into the room. The blond was kneeling and digging through a drawer, so Axel shuffled back over to the bed, eyeing it suspiciously but seeing nothing amiss – Roxas had already made it. Axel sat. Scratching at his wet hair, he mumbled, "Sorry for the bother…I hope I wasn't too much of a pain in the ass. How did we get back here, anyway?"

There was a pause before the answer came, and Axel turned to glance at Roxas, wondering if he should have spoken louder, only to see that the blond had gone still. Or maybe he hadn't, because almost as soon as Axel looked at him he was moving again, standing up and bringing some old clothes of Axel's over, speaking and moving briskly. "Nope, it was fine, we took a taxi, here I found these and breakfast is almost ready so hurry up and get dressed, I'll be in the kitchen." Before Axel could blink, Roxas was gone.

"Huh." The redhead tugged at a few tangles in his drying spikes and started to put on the old jeans and shirt. _Is he acting kinda weird…or is he just in a rush? If he's acting weird, maybe that's because…no. Even if he __**is**__, there's tons of other possible reasons. Maybe I was an ass at the bar…_ Knowing himself – especially himself on alcohol – that wasn't at _all_ unlikely. _Or maybe I said some shit that upset him_. Again, entirely possible when Axel and vodka got together. _Anyway, maybe it's not about me at all. Fucking grow up already, Ax. He might be bothered by work or something completely unrelated to __**me**__, geez._

After this good solid self-reprimand, Axel finally managed to finish dressing, get up, and shuffle to the kitchen…slowly. He still felt like shit. Probably would for most of the day.

Blue eyes looked up. "Hey Ax. I made eggs, if you think you can eat them, or there's pancakes or cereal. And coffee, if you want. You should try to eat something…"

Stomach revolting at the thought of each mentioned food, Axel hesitated. There didn't seem to be any trace of weirdness now… _Maybe it was my imagination. Yeah._ Roxas was normal. That meant everything was fine – except that he was probably dying, but that was a hangover for you – and nothing weird had happened and Axel's brain was just more fucked up than he'd realized.

"Uh…" He swallowed. "Maybe I can try some cereal…I don't know if I can keep much down right now though…" Fortunately, Roxas understood. Axel made an attempt at a bowl of bran flakes and some barely-sweetened black coffee, but everything tasted sickeningly of fermentation. In the end, he had to stick to water. Maybe later that afternoon food would start to become edible again.

"So uh, Ax…" Roxas pushed some egg and toast with his fork before continuing. "Your mom called. I told her you were OK. She wants you to meet them back at their hotel…" _Oh. _Axel froze inwardly. _That's right…the wedding._ He could not believe himself. He'd been left standing at the altar yesterday. His marriage was cancelled. His fiancée was missing. His life was shit. And had he even thought about _any_ of it since waking up? Hardly. He'd…forgotten.

"…apparently, Tifa called."

_What?_ Wide green eyes shot up in disbelief. "Tifa? She called? What did she say? Where is she? Is she at home?"

Blue eyes…weren't looking at him. But Axel didn't notice. "Your mom said you could call her before we head over…"

Without a word, Axel was up and reaching for Roxas' house phone. He didn't have time to look for his cell… "Shit! Uh, Roxas, what's my mom's cell number? All I know is speed dial seven…"

As he glanced in a panic toward his best friend, some small part of Axel's mind noted that Roxas had his back turned again. _How…odd. Has he always done that?_ But Roxas had stopped leafing through an address book and was reading off a number, and Axel turned to punch the keys and forgot about everything else but the dial tone as he waited for his mom to pick up.

~o~


	2. He Loves Somebody Else

**Author's Note:** Happy Hump Day y'all. ;3

For Barbara, with luuuurve. ^^

* * *

Chapter 2 ~ He Loves Somebody Else

Monday afternoon. Not a time most people chose to frequent bars, but Axel hadn't cared about that. He'd been to several already, and he figured that it had been over a day and his life had fallen apart since swearing off alcohol, so God would understand if he broke his promise.

"_You didn't do anything, and I'm not mad at you, Axel. I just…realized some things…please just listen…_

Unfortunately, he was alone. Roxas was at work until five, Demyx had left town yesterday to be back for work today, Saïx was busy…and didn't count anyway, they weren't really that close anymore. And his parents had gone home this morning. Axel was probably going to have to follow them in a few days, move back home until he could move out of his ex-fiancée's apartment. It was _her_ place originally, after all…and now Axel had nowhere to go. He couldn't have Roxas giving up his bed for him _forever_. Even if the guy _was_ being great about it, so helpful and supportive and just the best damn best friend a man could ask for…he still felt bad about it, didn't want to impose for too long. If nothing else, he felt guilty about accepting Roxas' hospitality when the little blond guy had _no_ idea what kind of perverted, inappropriate crap Axel's brain was inventing about him.

"_I really am sorry, Axel. I should have realized this sooner, but I just…didn't. I've been bothered for a while by things, little things, and the pieces just didn't fit together until Saturday afternoon. And I realized what's been wrong all this time. We're just not __**right**__ for each other…no, you promised to let me finish…"_

He was teetering out of the third or fourth bar, now. _Shit…s'really hard to get around without help when you're drunk…_ This wasn't going to work. Axel needed someplace to _go_. But until Roxas got off work… _Fuckin…didn't plan ahead for this…_ If only Roxas had left him a key. But sadly, neither of them had thought that far ahead. Axel had sort of hoped he could go _home_ after talking to Tifa, at least, but her "Goodbye" had sounded unexpectedly final, and he just couldn't ask her if it was OK to follow her home at that point. And Roxas…Roxas had seemed preoccupied by something, so that was probably why he'd assumed Axel would have a place to go…

"_Axel, I'm…a very independent person. I like to make my own decisions about my life. I don't mind fitting someone into my plans, but…well, it's just the little things. I don't like discussing every little decision. I don't like to feel too…__**needed**__. It makes me feel…__**suffocated**__. I liked sharing my private life with you, but to be honest…I don't want to be emotionally dependent on anyone. And I finally realized that…it's just not the same for you…"_

Drunk logic stepped in while Axel was mostly distracted by memories, and drunk logic decided that the best plan of action would be to go to that little café, the one Roxas' sister worked at, and see if she could get him into Roxas' apartment. Drunk logic neglected to realize that Naminé, _if_ she was working at all, would not be free to just up and leave, nor was she even likely to have a key to Roxas' place. Naminé had to remind Axel of these things herself, when he arrived. She also had to stow him in a quiet corner of the café and fetch him a coffee on the sly and firmly order him to behave, stay there, and not disturb any of the customers. "Get me fired, and I'll boil your balls off in scalding hot coffee, got it?" Axel nodded, unfocused eyes wide. And he stayed put and gradually sipped at the hot drink.

"_Axel, you…you need to be __**needed**__. You show love by being close and sharing everything and…it's just too much for me. I could do it for a while, but…forever? I couldn't, Axel…and you wouldn't be happy either, you know. You'd feel like I didn't love you because I wouldn't __**rely**__ on you, and we'd end up divorced. And I just…I can't go through with it, knowing this. Knowing that…what you really need is a person who needs you too, who can't live without you…and what I need is just a lot more freedom and…space."_

Protests that Axel could always give Tifa more space didn't make any difference. Promises that he'd work on it, pleas for her to give them another chance – everything seemed to fall on pretty little deaf ears…with those simple silver teardrop earrings she always wore…

"_You think that now, but you just haven't been noticing all the little things…it would drive us both crazy in a few years. We wouldn't be able to __**connect**__ like this… I'm sorry to do this to you, sorry I didn't realize sooner…"_

He'd been a little pathetic, maybe. After all, didn't they love each other? Wasn't that enough reason to at least _try?_

"_It won't be enough, Axel. Love isn't always enough. We're __**not right for each other**__. Please forgive me someday. And…thank you, Axel. I was…happy with you."_

And with that, the beautiful woman he'd thought would be his wife today…left. And it took Axel ten minutes of sightless staring, frozen in his chair, to realize that she was gone. _Gone_. And it was over. He wasn't getting married. He was…alone.

Ironic that it had all taken place in a coffee shop, and, a few bars later, here he was in a very coffee-scented café, waiting for the afternoon to end and doing a very bad job of keeping the memories away.

A miserable, slowly-sobering hour later, Axel's thoughts were interrupted when Naminé abruptly sat down across from him, placing a sandwich in front of the redhead and a bagel and coffee in front of herself. With a sigh, she explained, "I'm on my break now. I called Roxas. He's gonna swing by here after work, on his way home. He says he's sorry, he wasn't thinking, and he'll leave you a spare key tomorrow."

The sandwich was making Axel realize he was hungry, even if he didn't really feel like eating. He picked at it and mumbled, "It's fine…I need to get out of his hair soon, anyway."

"Where ya going?" Naminé was direct as she pulled apart her bagel. Axel glanced up at her, but didn't stare too long. Something about those blue eyes and golden-blonde hair…Axel was still seeing shocking images in his mind every other time he pictured Roxas, and he didn't need his fucked-up fantasy transferring itself to the guy's sister. _Though she is a __**girl**__, at least…but no. Roxas would murder me…with…_ Green eyes fell on his sandwich. _…toothpicks. Yeah. Why do they have to pin the sandwich shut anyway?_

"Dunno," Axel mumbled. "Until I find my own place, it's either move back home with my parents…or pay for a hotel room. Can't really afford that, so I guess I have to move back home."

"What about your job?"

Axel let out a defeated exhale. "Uh…hadn't really thought about that. Great." _It's a bit far to commute here from their place…ugh._

Naminé rolled blue eyes at him. "Yeah, given your situation, I kinda doubt Roxas is gonna let you 'out of his hair,' as you say. You should probably just count on staying with him for a while. Or just move in with him, he's got the space."

Axel was reluctant. "No, I mean…we haven't lived together since college, since we were roommates freshman year. I don't think he wants me moving in now…"

A little frown on the blonde's pretty face reminded Axel immediately of her brother – Roxas would wear an expression _just like that_ sometimes, when he was mildly displeased. "Didn't you guys get along when you were roommates?"

"Well, yeah…" the redhead mumbled hesitantly, picking the crusts off his bread. "I mean, we hit it off right away, and we've gotten along famously ever since. It's just…I had this feeling sometimes…I'm not sure how to describe it. Just that…after that year, when he moved off campus in our second year, I was really bummed that he was leaving and I wouldn't have him for a roommate. And he was bummed too, just…I kinda wondered how real it was?"

"You think he was faking?" Naminé blinked, and Axel crumbled a little. He'd never been able to lie to her brother, and it was those eyes that were the problem.

"No, not _faking_…" Axel sighed. "OK, it wasn't even that. It was that whole year…things were great most of the time, but when we were both in the room together, things weren't always as easy. It wasn't anything he said or did…it was just…tense sometimes. And I didn't get it at all, but there was nothing solid so I couldn't bring it up, and I guess I just figured after that he was kinda relieved to be leaving. And I kinda was too, especially since things got so much more relaxed between us once we weren't roommates anymore."

That little frown-wrinkle in Naminé's forehead was back, along with a dubious downward twist to her pink little mouth. "He…never told you, did he?"

A little thrown by the mysterious answer, Axel blinked. "Told me what?"

A French-tipped nail started tapping quickly on the table's surface. "He never told you something really personal, like, that year? Or even after that? Never, even _now?_"

"Uh, what kind of 'personal'?" _How did we get on this?_

Naminé paused for a long moment, until Axel wondered if she was going to answer. Then, finally, she leaned in slightly, an intensely curious look on her face.

"He never once, in all this time, told you, his _best friend_, that he's gay?"

Axel's stomach turned into a rock. Frozen, wide green eyes saw nothing for a moment, nothing but flashes of freshman year, the way Roxas acted around him, _the times that Roxas acted that way_. How could he have not noticed? It had been like clockwork, the way Roxas ignored him after his shower, the way he wouldn't look at Axel to speak to him. And all the other times…_Oh fuck, no._ Suddenly, those long-past visions were replaced in Axel's mind with a very fresh, very recent image – glassy blue eyes and flushed cheeks and Roxas, Roxas looking impossibly sexy, aroused…Axel's cock deep in the back of his throat.

"What did you say?" His voice was strained with disbelief and shock, while his mind, annoyingly, had chosen to fix upon one rather insignificant detail. _So that would explain how…huh. Maybe he __**can**__ suck cock that good._

Naminé sighed, sweeping a few short pieces of blonde hair out of her eyes. "I didn't think so." She then fixed Axel with a complex, thoughtful expression for another moment. "To be honest, I don't know if I should even be telling you this now. He'll probably kill me if he finds out I told you. But…well, he's an idiot."

Still trying to un-freeze, trying to hear and see the world around him rather than the world in his memory-filled head, Axel blinked. "Did you…I mean…are you serious? As in…_gay_, gay?"

"As in, attracted-to-men, not-interested-in-women, his-poor-sister-will-never-be-an-aunt gay. Yes. And evidently, _still_ not out." Naminé seemed irritated. "Honestly, I respected his wishes in high school, but this is just ridiculous."

Stupidly, Axel could only make his brain ask one question. "Why?"

Impatient blue eyes looked at him again, and he had to suppress a shiver because they just kept reminding him of _Roxas_ so much. Then Naminé's expression changed to resignation. "Basically, Axel, he was planning on coming out in college. We'd talked about it, and he was really ready the summer after he graduated. He wanted to start college and start a new life, you know? Free. He was there for _one week_ before he came home over Labor Day, and I was all set to ask him how it was going, and all of a sudden he clammed up about it. Wouldn't say much, didn't seem so sure that he was gonna do it. By the next vacation, he was adamant that I not tell anyone. I could never get him to tell me what changed his mind in the space of a _week_." If Naminé had figured anything out on her own, she was kind enough to keep the rest of her knowledge to herself. She didn't need to give _all_ Roxas' secrets away, after all.

Axel was pressing the heel of his hand into one eye, then the other, trying to get a grasp on this revelation. "So…Roxas is gay. Roxas has always been gay since before I met him. And all those times…he's just been _lying_. Acting like he liked girls, but just had no luck with them…that was never true." _Then…did __**that**__ really happen? Or is it just a coincidence? Even if he's gay, I don't think he'd do that to me… I don't randomly take advantage of drunk female friends, after all. But wait…_ "You said he didn't tell anyone…but doesn't he have…uh…like, men?"

A blonde eyebrow quirked at him. "You mean…?"

"Like, doesn't he have a…a boyfriend? Or like…men he goes out with or…or does…stuff with?"

Disturbed, Naminé stared at him. "_Stuff?_ How the hell would I know what kinda _stuff_ my brother does? All I know is, he's never told me about any boyfriend or dates, so I assumed he didn't have any. Why did you have to bring _that_ idea up?"

_Uhhhh…_ "Um, never mind." _Just wondering where he learned to suck cock? Yeah, no way. Besides, that wasn't real._

"Anyway," Naminé returned to the last of her bagel, "the point is, I think it's about time you knew, and maybe you two can figure something out so that living together is less awkward this time around. That is," Blue eyes fixed Axel with a sharp look, _Oh God not again…_ "Unless you plan on getting all weirded out and not being his friend anymore because of it."

The redhead didn't have to fake his shock in the least. "What? No! I would _never…_ After he's been there for me for years, and especially right now, I mean, with this past weekend and all…come on. I'm not a complete dick."

The quirk of Naminé's eyebrow suggested that she had room to doubt that, at least occasionally, but she nodded. "True. Well, that's OK then."

The blonde waitress' break was ending at that point, and the conversation with it. Axel had about two hours left before Roxas would come, and, while Naminé agreed to keep him supplied with coffee and the occasional cookie, he couldn't get anything in a café to make his coffee Irish except flavored creamers. So Axel was forced to resign himself to actually sobering up completely, leaving him unable to blot out the endless cycle of miserable thoughts – his conversation with Tifa this morning, the end of his relationship, and Roxas, Roxas, Roxas. Roxas' secret sexuality, all the times they'd spent together, and the unanswerable question of whether that drunk memory was real or not…and if it was…what did that mean?

It was a long afternoon.

~o~

"Sorry about this, Ax." The redhead glanced over at the blond driver. They were on their way back to Roxas' place. "I should have thought of the key, but I just…being in a rush this morning, and with the weekend and all, it didn't occur to me…"

Axel sighed and wished for a drink. _Well, we'll get there soon. I can drink again at Roxas' apartment…_ He ignored the little twist of self-recrimination he felt. _And I don't run to the bottle over every little thing, so this is fucking justified. My whole life is fucked, I'm allowed to drink if I want. _"It's OK, I didn't think of it either. I kinda thought…I'd be going home." His voice trailed off to a barely-audible mumble for the last part. Watching Roxas out of the corner of his eye, he saw the blond wince a little, but there was no reply. Roxas seemed inclined to let the drive pass in silence; Axel wasn't sure if it was a coincidence or if Roxas could just read him that well, but silence happened to suit him perfectly. All his thoughts were misery and confusion, and Axel didn't want to talk about it. Not sober, anyway.

Roxas kindly didn't speak until they were in his apartment. Then, as the young man was going through his coming-home routines, putting things away, he broke the silence.

"Do you want some dinner, Ax? I could fix something in a bit…or there's some leftovers in the fridge…"

Axel shrugged. "You got any special plans for the rest of that pizza we got last night?"

Expression softening slightly, Roxas shook his head. "Nope, it's all yours." Then, the blond turned toward his room. "You can help yourself to whatever, I need to get changed and get a shower, OK?"

Nodding, Axel almost let him go before he spoke up again. "What you got to drink?" Of course, he already basically knew, but the inquiry was a courtesy before he helped himself to Roxas' booze. The blond stuck his head back in the kitchen.

Sighing, he answered, "Pretty much whatever you want. Just…eat something first, and try not to get shitfaced before I'm out of the shower."

Axel snorted. "I wouldn't make you miss the show."

Roxas shook his head, chuckling slightly, and left, tossing over his shoulder, "Sure, Ax."

The redhead _did_ make an effort…he ate two slices of cold pizza first. But it wasn't long before he was pouring rum in his Coke…and then just a little Coke in his rum…and then he ran out of Coke. By then, he'd taken a few bottles and a glass with him to the sofa and was all set to drown his miserable brain without budging once. He was tired of his thoughts, anyway. His head was filled with things like, _He acts so __**normal**__, how can he possibly be gay? Gay guys are like…like those nasally-voiced fashion guys on TV. Roxas is like…like __**normal!**__ And he doesn't have anything weird around here, and he watches sports, he really likes football and soccer…he just…doesn't act girly at __**all!**_

Axel began to run various girl-products through his mind, checking them off as things he'd _never_ seen in Roxas' apartment, though they'd been all over his…and that train of thought led him back to Tifa for a while, and he fought back tears and threw back a few more drinks until his wandering, increasingly-inebriated mind was brought back to Roxas by the sound of the bathroom door opening.

The next thing Axel knew, there was a damp, clean, shampoo-smelling Roxas bending over him, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. Of course, it wasn't like seeing a girl in the same state of undress…but it wasn't exactly what he'd expected, either. Not when he was suddenly forced to remember that Roxas had an enviably good figure and…really…smooth-looking skin…

"Shit, Ax, how many have you had already?" A firm hand pulled his face up, and blue eyes were examining him closely, before he was released and Roxas turned his attention to the bottles Axel had been working on emptying. The blond continued mumbling, "I better find a bucket before anything else…Jesus, I thought you knew better than this, Ax…"

All of a sudden, Axel had a genius, drunk idea. _If I act even drunker…maybe I can find out if that memory was real or not. Maybe he'd…_

"Shuddup." Axel slurred his words – not that it was hard to do – and let his head wobble unsteadily. "I'mma hearted…broke…heart…heartbroken man. Need some comfort…" With that, he unsteadily tipped himself forward, straight into Roxas. Flailing arms went around the nearly-naked young man, and Roxas yelped and grabbed at his towel and lost his balance as Axel awkwardly propped his weight against him, dragging Roxas down onto the couch next to him. Before Roxas could collect himself, Axel was nuzzling his face into the other young man's belly, murmuring, "Mmmm…you smell nice…" _Huh…feels kinda nice too…_

Distracted by the surprisingly pleasant feeling, Axel still didn't miss the sudden intake of breath as Roxas froze, sprawled awkwardly on the couch under Axel, and deer-in-the-headlights stiff for one moment. _**That's**__ interesting…_ Then Roxas was exhaling again, pushing gently and trying to untangle Axel's arms with a chuckle. "Haha, right, come on Ax, let go. You incorrigible horn-dog, come on…"

He might have given up at a reaction like that…but Roxas' voice was just slightly high when he spoke, just barely unsteady…and Axel's curiosity was intensified at once.

Nuzzling higher, he hummed, "Mmmm, so mean…doncha wanna be a good friend an' comfort a lonely guy in his darkest hours an' stuff?" Axel was now pressing his head against Roxas' warm chest, and getting even more distracted from his plan. _He's so firm…but still feels so nice…and…and that…_ Blinking in surprise, Axel realized something important. _Woah…his heart is __**racing!**_

"Hell no, you big bonehead, now quit screwing around and get off, I gotta find you a bucket before you puke on me…" But Axel was only half listening to the deceptively casual voice. In a tipsy muddle, he was attempting to put together the violent thudding of Roxas' heart, the suppressed but quickened breathing…and the tone and words that sounded completely unaffected. It didn't add up. Didn't make sense. But there was only one answer, and it was hard to accept, because Axel had never once, in all his years as Roxas' friend, suspected that the blond was playing a part with him. Acting. _Hiding_. Not being completely honest and genuine. Not letting Axel see what was going on underneath. But then, he had been anyway, hadn't he? Because he'd never told Axel about being gay…

It stung a little, the idea that Roxas would lie to him…but it was only a slight pain. The most powerful feeling – overwhelming all others at the moment – was an absolutely ravenous curiosity. Roxas had been hiding things from him – Roxas was hiding something from him _right now, _something that was making his heart beat this fast – and Axel wanted to know what it was.

Had he been completely sober, he might have stalled for time and pondered how to crack Roxas. Had he been sober, he might have logically connected the unbelievable memory from the other night with the present situation. But Axel wasn't sober. He wasn't as drunk as he was acting, but he wasn't completely clear-headed either. And, when his mind was out to lunch, instinct stepped in and guided him until his brain could be filled in on the situation later.

Lifting his head slightly, green eyes half-closed, Axel let his parted lips softly connect with a patch of skin on Roxas' neck, about an inch below his ear. He inhaled slowly, holding there for a long moment.

Roxas' gasp was audible this time, his body even more rigid and tense than the first time he froze. And this time, he didn't relax and shrug it off right away.

"A-Ax, what are you doing?" There was a note of panic in his best friend's voice that Axel couldn't fail to hear. When he answered – lips disconnecting from soft skin with the tiniest little sound – the drunken slur and the teasing were gone from his voice.

"Kissing you." He lifted his head again, just slightly, and let his mouth close over the edge of an earlobe, tongue slipping forward for the barest moment to taste before he pulled back to whisper into that ear, "Can't I?"

His best friend wasn't sounding so casual anymore, even though he was still trying to, and Axel could tell. "What…why…of course not, you ass! Wh-why would you want to, anyway?" The blond's voice lowered slightly, softer and…sadder, if Axel guessed correctly. "I'm not Tifa, you know."

Slightly pissed and not at all sure why, Axel drew back a bit. "I know that," he answered, frowning at Roxas' collarbone while his hand pressed forward in a firm caress up one side of Roxas' narrow chest. "I know. I didn't think you were. I'm not _that_ drunk, Roxas."

Voice lightening, Roxas suddenly sounded unconcerned again. "Oh, you're not? Well then how about getting off me so I can get dressed? I don't need to catch a cold because you're playing stupid games…"

Again, the voice would have made him stop…but Roxas' heart was still hammering under Axel's hand, and the playacting was beginning to piss him off even more. So, rather than back up, he pressed forward, silencing the rest of Roxas' words as his arms and body wrapped the smaller young man up, covering him almost completely. Squeezing close. So close. And finally daring to look up and meet those wide blue eyes, stare into them, _search_ them for answers, for _truth_.

"There." Axel breathed, nose almost touching Roxas' as he felt every inch of his best friend, pressing close to that skin – soft, warm, clean, bare. Kinda…fascinating. "Is that better?"

Axel watched Roxas swallow once, face pale with fear or panic or nervousness or desperation – he wasn't sure what. He was staring into blue eyes for just one moment – wondering how he'd never noticed how pretty they were – and then Roxas glanced away and seemed determined not to meet Axel's gaze again. _Still hiding from me, huh? Still trying to act…doesn't he trust me? I'm his best friend! If he lies to me, who does he tell the truth to?_ The idea of _men_ – strange men – flashed through Axel's mind. _Oh hell no. You better not, Roxas…_

"Ax." The panic was still there, but the tone was lower. Dead serious now. "Get off. You need to stop now. Let me go." He still wouldn't meet Axel's eyes.

Biting back the renewed twist of hurt and anger, the redhead answered abruptly, "No."

Roxas winced. "Why…why are you doing this?"

"Because I wanna know what's going on with you." Axel was half-surprised that he had an answer for that. He hadn't been too sure, when he'd started. Just curious…

Evasive, the blond squirmed. "Who says there's anything going on with me? And what about you? Shouldn't you be more concerned about your own troubles right now?"

_Tifa. Heartbroken. Not married. Oh yeah. _Axel frowned. "I'm not saying I'm _not_. It sucks, but I'll deal, eventually. Especially if my _best friend_ sticks by me like he always has, regardless of his own problems." Determined, Axel released Roxas' body with one arm and grabbed his chin, pulling the blond's face toward his own and forcing their eyes to meet. "Roxas…it's time I acted like a best friend too. Time I quit focusing on myself. And I know there's stuff you're not telling me. So…talk."

For a long moment, Axel waited. Roxas was breathing deeply and slowly now, trying to collect himself…maybe thinking? He couldn't read those blue eyes beyond the fear…and Axel couldn't stand the thought that Roxas was afraid of talking to him. There was a horrible distance between them somehow, and Axel was upset. Upset that he hadn't noticed it there before, upset that he didn't know how it had gotten there, and damn well furious that it wasn't going away…well. It _would_, if he had anything to say about it.

But Roxas, who still couldn't turn his head away, broke eye contact by closing his eyes resolutely, answering softly, "I have nothing to say to you."

_That_ hurt. Those words were a thorn of such painful rejection to Axel that for a moment, he could only blink. _How can I fix this distance and make us close again, if Roxas is only going to push me away?_

"Fine." He breathed it softly, backing up slightly to sit back on his heels. "Fine then. OK Roxas." Blue eyes opened only to widen suddenly as Axel lurched forward again, voice growing stronger. "If you have nothing to say, then _I_ have something to say to _you!_ I…I…" Axel faltered for a moment, not even sure what he wanted to say, or where to begin… "Why are you hiding from me?" He finally demanded, grasping Roxas' arms angrily and pushing forward, eyes full of the hurt he was losing control of. "Why do you push me away and lie to me? I've never lied to you about _anything_, Roxas, _ever!_ But you…you…!" He faltered again, hesitating before revealing what he knew.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He all but whispered. "Why did I have to find out from your _sister_ that you…you're gay…"

He'd thought Roxas' eyes couldn't get bigger or his face paler. He was wrong. Blue eyes stretched huge and horrified as skin went chalk white – Roxas looked like he was going to be sick.

And Axel was losing patience with his best friend's silence, losing patience with his own fucked-up, endless thoughts. Losing what remained of his alcohol-diluted restraint.

_Doing_ came more naturally to him than _talking_ anyway.

~o~


	3. You Just Can't Hide

**Author's Note:** Aw yeah girl...tonight we're gonna make love. You know how I know? Because it's Wednesday, and Wednesday night is the night that we make love. When everything is just right - there's nothing good on TV...conditions are perfect for makin' love. _It's business time!_ 8D

*cough* Um, in other news, y'all know Nijuuni over on deviantART right? Well. _It's her birthday._ Yup. So go wish her an awesome one!

For Barbara, with love as always, with a special _Happy Birthday_ shout out to Erin! Have the happiest one ever! :D

* * *

Chapter 3 ~ You Just Can't Hide

"Nami…told you…?"

If Roxas had thought that he had been living his worst nightmare up until this moment, he'd been very, very wrong. Axel touching him, kissing him and torturing him and rapidly shredding years and years worth of well-developed concealment and self-control was now _nothing_. If only it had stayed just _that_, Roxas could continue to _deal_. But this was so much worse.

_Axel knew._ The one person he'd hoped would _never_ know, the single reason he'd gone on hiding for so long – now he knew. The initial shock of panic turned his insides into ice, impressions coming at him in a tangled mess. Axel frowning, angry, beautiful, furious, too close, upset…upset at him. _He hates me, I knew it._ As the cold detachment washed over him, making the world feel distant and hazy in his mind, Roxas could only reach one conclusion – the one he'd dreaded and done everything to prevent.

_He knows, he's angry at me, he hates me. He's disgusted with me and he's never going to talk to me again. It's over._

Axel was still talking, still too close, still angry. _Something about having to hear it from Nami…something about why I didn't tell him…_ "…can't talk to _me_, then who do you _talk_ to, Roxas? Some guy? What, you have some man I've never met, and _he_ knows the real you?"

Roxas blinked. Everything inside felt dead, now. Empty. His voice sounded far-off and quiet. "They don't know me, really…"

_Ow…_ Hands were squeezing tight around his biceps again. "They? _They?_ _Who the fuck are '__**they**__,' Roxas?_"

In a crisis, Roxas acted. Cold and efficient. If it was ending… _Tell him, and let it end for good._

"The men." He couldn't quite look at Axel's face, so he looked at his shirt and let his words flow quietly. "The men I slept with, they didn't know me. Sometimes I didn't even tell them my name…"

A note of horror reached his ears. "What?"

"I don't really have anyone now, though. But in college…I used to hook up a lot. Not freshman year. After. Starting sophomore year, almost until graduation. I was a real slut with the guys sometimes, only I was free." He blinked, and dared a glance at Axel's face. "Disgusting, right? And you're right, I hid it from you. I'm a horrible, disgusting friend. You don't want to be friends with a whore like me…"

Roxas was cut short as pain exploded on one side of his face. Axel had _punched him_.

"Don't you dare say something like that!" Blinking rapidly, Roxas shook off the shock and tried to turn his face back toward Axel. "Don't talk about yourself like that, and don't you dare call me that shallow, Roxas!" His cheekbone was throbbing, head still spinning, and Axel's words didn't make sense…then the redhead pulled him forward again, voice low and intense.

"_Why?_ Explain it to me. Cut the 'whore' bullshit and just tell me _why._"

He hesitated. Unsure what to say. Unsure how to say it. He'd thought to end everything here, with iron finality. But he still didn't want to tell _this_ much…

Because there was only one answer.

_He'd been nervous, a little homesick, a little excited, a lot overwhelmed – freshman year. OK. He could do this. Things would be different. But first, he had to meet his roommate, who wasn't here yet…_

_And then Axel showed up with his parents, popping his head in the door with a bright, friendly grin and a bustle of boxes and "Hi! Are you my roommate? Nice to meet ya, my name's Axel. Axel, as in the car part, got it memorized?"_

"_Uh…OK." He could feel himself grinning already, a little incredulous, and highly amused. "I'm Roxas…"_

"_Haha, cool. Roxas, as in, he 'rocks ass'! He's a hit with the ladies!"_

"_Axel!"_

_A sheepish grin that looked far too stunning. "Sorry, Mom!"_

_He couldn't keep from laughing, somehow. "Yeah, it's fine, but don't call me that."_

_A big hand slapped him on the back. "No problem. Can't go pissing off my roommate as soon as I get here. We have to get along, right Roxas?"_

And he'd agreed, and he hadn't said anything about "the ladies" – not with the atmosphere Axel had created the minute he walked in, and not with the guy's parents right there. And not after that either. Because there wasn't a right time, a good moment to tell him. Conversations were too comfortable and friendly, too enjoyable to ruin with an awkward, "Um, hey, so about that thing you said about the ladies…I'm gay, so I'm more interested in guys, actually." _Guys like you._ Guys who were tall and lanky and funny and laid-back and absolutely gorgeous when they smiled. Guys who waltzed in and made themselves your best friend in the world without the slightest effort, guys who made you want to forgive their bad habits and their occasional personality flaws – like their slightly-inflated ego – just because there was really no way to _not_ forgive him for it and like him even more for being so perfectly imperfect and still so honest and selfless and considerate at the most unexpected times…

Roxas didn't want to say _any_ of that. But he had to answer, and he couldn't lie anymore…he just _couldn't_. Not when this was the end…not when this was probably the last time he'd hear Axel's voice anyway, so why the hell not? _Just go ahead and tell him, it'll hurt like hell, but you'll never be able to move on if you don't…_ Logic, cold and rational and right, was always there for Roxas when the world was falling apart. Yet, even with the detachment and the logic and the dead, cold feeling inside, Roxas couldn't keep his stomach from flipping and his face from heating up and his eyes from avoiding Axel's face as he opened his mouth to confess…

"I was frustrated and I didn't know what to do, so I went chasing after men to make the pain go away. Because…because I was in love with someone…with…with you. From the day we met, I was…was falling in love with you. But I knew you wouldn't…could never see me like that, I knew it would be gross to you, and I wanted to stay your friend, at least…I just couldn't stand to lose your friendship. So I kept it a secret, and when I couldn't take it anymore, I'd find someone to distract me for a while. And…I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for loving you…"

He could feel tears running down his cheeks, and it horrified and embarrassed him. Utterly mortified, Roxas gave up explaining and just shoved suddenly at Axel's chest, throwing the redhead off him enough that he could make a quick move to escape. And he nearly _did_ escape – his bare feet hit the carpet and he was almost up, almost free to bolt for his room and lock the door and wait for Axel to disappear forever…

When his wrist was clamped in a painfully tight hold and his arm was yanked a good deal too hard and Roxas was spun back toward the face he couldn't bear to see right now. Another strong hand grabbed behind his neck and pulled him down, half kneeling on the couch, half on _top_ of Axel, the breath shocked right out of him…as Roxas felt hot pressure on his lips and tasted alcohol and realized with a jolt that _Axel was kissing him_, hard on the mouth, and not letting him go, but pushing deeper and watching him through slitted green eyes that were angry and hurt and serious and breathtaking all at the same time…

Roxas was trying to gasp, trying to squirm weakly away, but the hands on his wrist and neck just squeezed tighter as Axel kissed him harder, crushing his lips and forcing submission…making Roxas lose the will to fight, making blue eyes fall shut and bare skin prickle with goosebumps. Because, even though he couldn't taste anything but alcohol and couldn't begin to imagine a good reason or a positive outcome for this…there just wasn't anything he could do. _Axel…kissing me…I'm kissing Axel…oh God, Axel!_ It didn't matter _why_ to Roxas, not after years of dying for this man's love and suffering through so many replacements that could never come close. Whatever Axel did to him, no matter what the reason was, he had no way of resisting. He had thought his act was impenetrable, but that's all it was – an _act_. His _heart_ was vulnerable and helpless to resist Axel, and there was just…nothing he could do.

How much time passed until Axel let them break apart for air? Roxas had no idea. He'd completely lost himself in that kiss, cherishing it like a last gift. The world was spinning when it was over, and Roxas could barely stammer weakly, "Wh-why? Why did you…do that…?"

The spinning world suddenly held still, transfixed by intent green eyes, staring into his. "I dunno." Axel's voice was at once firm…and completely clueless. An odd combination. "I have no idea. I just…I won't lose you. I'm not letting you go."

As much as Roxas would have liked to consider those words and reply carefully, his attention was unfortunately drawn to something else. Something he needed to hide, _very, very quickly, _before Axel noticed. His towel was more or less no longer doing its job – big surprise – and Roxas couldn't help flushing even darker as he fumblingly tried to pull it around himself again, hoping he was being inconspicuous, hoping Axel hadn't noticed…

"Wait a…Roxas, are you…?" _Shit_. Trust Axel not to miss a thing, even when drunk. Roxas winced, then jumped slightly, yelping in surprise when the hand that had been grabbing his wrist suddenly let go and…and _touched him_.

"Shit…you're, uh…hard."

He lacked the bravery to meet Axel's eyes. He couldn't even force his voice to sound strong – it came out as a teary whimper, to Roxas' further humiliation. "You…I…I told you, I'm in love with you, but you…you did that…I can't help it, I'm sorry! It's disgusting, how I…I've always wanted you like this…"

"Yeah?" Axel breathed, a little weakly…and he was still touching… "You want me, huh? Like…like sex? You wanna have sex with me?"

Roxas clenched his eyes shut, mortified, and nodded. He didn't notice right away when a slight tug loosened and removed his towel, letting it hit the floor. He wasn't sure he heard correctly after that. Not the words Axel said next…

"Fine then."

He was frozen for a moment before he opened his eyes, staring in shock. "Wha…?"

"I said fine. It's OK. Get it?" Now Roxas was _sure_ Axel was shitfaced – none of this "not that drunk" bullshit. He _had_ to be shitfaced if he was so horny and brain-dead that he could say something like that to _Roxas_… So he was wasted. He _was._ And yet…

"How can you _say_ that?" Roxas tried to grab onto his best friend's shirt, his hands shaking. "How can you say something like that? Do you have any idea what I'll do to you if you give me an opening like that? Do you get it at _all?_ I'm not the good guy you think…I'll…take advantage of you…"

"Yeah?" Axel sounded lazy…almost dreamy. _Drunk, drunk, drunk_. "How would you do that?" Roxas wasn't looking at those green eyes, and missed the flash of curiosity. He knew nothing of Axel's original scheme anyway. He knew very little about anything at all, anymore…

Roxas didn't know what his hands had been doing until it filtered slowly into his mind that Axel's pants were open and Roxas was holding his best friend's cock…holding and stroking and saying something like, _"Like this…! This, this is the kind of disgusting thing I want with you!"_ And Roxas was slipping backward, off Axel's lap, knees hitting the floor much too hard but he didn't notice, not now. _Only seconds more…in a few seconds, he'll punch me again, and that will be it…and…huh? Why is he getting…big?_

But even the few thoughts Roxas still had couldn't slow him down now. His pent-up desperation was unleashed, everything exposed – he had nothing left to lose, only a need. An all-consuming, long-denied _need_ that drove him now, pushing him forward, forward to do something he had thought would never happen again…

Only somehow, it _was_ happening…and Axel tasted just like before – warm and strong and a little salty like sweat, like Roxas would have found sickening with anyone else. He usually demanded showers before he'd do this for men… But whether it was the adrenaline or the momentum of having thrown himself into this groveling, self-debasing position, or even if it was just because it was _Axel_ – for whatever reason, things like pride or preference or normal boundaries were completely forgotten. He was sucking on Axel, fast and hard, almost wildly, and Roxas didn't think or care about anything else.

It was messy and his hands and lips were wet and getting sticky but he couldn't slow down. He could vaguely hear moaning – Axel. _God_, that was the most arousing sound in the world. Roxas' body burned, stiff and aching with need, and he let one hand leave Axel to attend to himself. A few moments of rough jerking later, that hand was wandering further…behind. The fantasy, the dream of having Axel inside him was so much more real when he could feel his own fingers slipping in… He twisted them around, thrusting a few times, keeping pace with the bobbing of his head, but he couldn't get a good angle…couldn't reach that spot with his fingers like this…

Pulling the fingers out, he reached around again, touching himself where he was already dripping, then reaching between his legs and thrusting more fingers inside. _Ah…almost…_ This angle was better, but he couldn't quite reach _deep_ enough…he needed something else…

Some_one_ else…

He pulled his mouth off, hearing a grunt of protest from above, but not pausing as he climbed back up, limbs almost too weak, making it hard to stand and crawl forward and straddle Axel's lap again. Half-formed thoughts flitted through his mind. An idea about grabbing his supplies first…but he wasn't sure where in the bathroom they were, and _fuck that, no time…__**now!**_ There was a moment of hesitation, as he rose up on his knees, Axel's length in his hand – _This is really wrong, what the fuck am I __**doing**__, I shouldn't…oh, he took his shirt off. When did he do that?_ For one more trembling moment, he just stared at that sweaty, bare chest, feeling Axel's hard, wet tip pressing against his entrance, swallowing because _this is going to hurt, oh God…_

And then Roxas pushed. _Down_. Eyes squeezed closed and teeth clenched, hand still guiding his best friend into him as he forced himself down, inch by inch. By the time he was halfway penetrated, Roxas thought he might die, break…something. His body shuddered weakly, and he had to cling to Axel's shoulders to keep from falling as the room tilted and spun around him. _Much longer and I'll…_ Roxas took a deep breath and _slammed_. His hips. _Down_. Both hands flew to cover his own mouth, to muffle the agonized scream he couldn't begin to bite back. Cold sweats washed over him in waves and he was shaking and couldn't stop.

"Fuck…" Axel's voice reached him, deep and groaning and choking with pleasure. "It's tight…holy shit, _unnnngh_, how…how can anything be this…"

A helpless half-grin cracked Roxas' lips, the blond panting heavily. He didn't reply, but he heard. Axel's voice was…soothing, somehow. Axel's pleasure made his pain…easier. And before too long, the adrenaline started to help – especially as soon as Roxas thought, _Axel…is…inside of me. He's __**in**__ me…right now. Axel…_

He forced strength into his legs, and…moved. Roxas…lifted himself slowly, gasping as he felt Axel's cock slipping out of him, almost all the way. Then he was keening, arching back as he took the man in again, as Axel spread him open, reached in so deep…and as arms reached around his body and pulled him close, sweaty skin on skin sliding as he moved _again_. And then _again_. Now quicker…and then Roxas didn't even get the chance to lower himself completely anymore, because Axel's hips jerked upward and met his ass, thrusting up into him. The impact jolted him again and again, making it hard to draw uninterrupted breaths, making his vision so hazy that he gave up and closed his eyes and just _rode_ Axel, completely abandoned to the pleasure, the ecstasy…the heat in the arms of his best friend.

Two hands squeezed his ass, pulling and moving him faster as the thrusting got harder and Roxas' gasp hitched a few times before he had air enough to moan. "_Ohhhhh, God…_Ax…Ax, yes, oh fuck…_ungh, more…yes, yes…A-A-__**Axel!**_" In response, he felt the whole length – even harder and bigger than before – stab all the way into him, churning up his insides, taking him so hard, so wildly… "Oh…oh…God…_Axel_…s-so…deep…! S-so…_big!_"

Out of his cracked-open eyes, he caught a flash of that utterly-Axel, completely-cocksure smirk. Obviously, Axel had _liked_ hearing _that._ "Yeah, sorry," the man grunted back, still grinning and not sounding the slightest bit apologetic. "I can get…pretty big…hope…it's not…too much for you…_nngh!_" The power of his thrusts belied his words of concern – if Axel had _really_ been worried about Roxas' body in that moment, he probably wouldn't have been pounding into it so _hard_.

Head thrown back and hands clamped around Axel's neck like an anchor, Roxas choked out a reply. "N-no…I know…s-so it's fine…_hyaaa!_" Blue eyes popped wide open as Roxas tensed, attacked from several angles at once. As he rammed into Roxas, Axel had let go with one hand and quickly taken hold of Roxas' erection instead, squeezing and pumping rapidly. As the same time, teeth and lips and a tongue – but mostly teeth – found the soft flesh of Roxas' neck and set to work leaving some marks on it. Axel paused to drive Roxas crazy for a moment, then answered, his voice still carrying that grin underneath the purr of pleasure.

"Oh…you know? _Reeeeally_…" The word was a drawl of lazy confidence as Roxas' stomach flipped over, realizing what his words had implied. But he couldn't think his way out of it…couldn't _focus_ because…because…

"Ah…_ahhh Axel…c-close…!_" The pleasure was too intense, Axel was thrusting too fast, too deep…_Just…a little…more…!_

That was when Axel's hands clamped tight around Roxas' waist and the blond felt a sudden shift…right before his back hit the couch as Axel threw him down, bracing himself over Roxas. He thought maybe he'd hit his head on the armrest a little, but it wasn't enough to distract him from the hands that slipped down to his hips, gripping hard as muscled arms flexed and his lower body was lifted, right up to the level of Axel's groin…and held there as the redhead resumed his fast, deep thrusts, slamming into Roxas…

"So…you…know? You've seen, _un-ungh_, seen my cock before? When…_nngh_, I was hard?" His arms flew up to weakly cover his face, but Roxas couldn't drown out Axel's voice or his question. _"When…was…that…Roxas?"_

His voice was choked by more than gasping now – tears of guilt were already slipping free, and Roxas couldn't stop them at all, nor could he refuse to answer. He could only tell the truth… "S-S-Satur-day n-night…s-sorry Ax…Axel. Sor…sorry…"

A mumble reached him, but Roxas couldn't understand the words, not with his blood pounding in his ears and his breath tearing from his throat raggedly and the other sounds, the ones both of them were making, the groans and the slapping wet noises of _sex_… And then Axel's lips were back, warm and crushing down onto his own, and even if Roxas was still certain beyond a doubt that this was all some mistake and his best friend was already lost forever, the touch of Axel's mouth was so perfect, so _exactly_ what he wanted…even beyond the sex, beyond the mind-blowing feeling of Axel inside him. His lips…the soft touch mingled with the forceful kiss, the feeling that he could almost imagine was _affection_…_that_ was what unleashed the bottled-up heat inside Roxas. That was what broke his last thread of control. That was what made him cry out into Axel's mouth and release onto his own stomach, coming hard, easily the most intense orgasm he'd ever had…

_But I guess…that's the difference…when it's with someone you care about…_ Faint, drifting thoughts flickered in his mind as it ended. Impressions. Axel's hands moving, arms winding around his torso, pulling him up further, harder, a sweaty face pressed into his chest, heavy breath on his skin as Axel slammed his hips forward even faster, fucking Roxas almost frantically for another minute before his own climax came. And Roxas felt the heat shoot inside him, and his dazed mind halfheartedly thought, _Oh…right, no condom. I should…take care of that soon…_ But then the thread of sense was lost as satisfaction swelled from deep inside him, even stronger than the sated bliss humming in his body already – a good, whole, _content_ feeling as he felt Axel's release inside his own body.

The feeling lasted for some minutes, as Axel collapsed on top on him, breathing hard, and Roxas just basked in the warmth, the weight of Axel's body on top of him. He didn't think. He couldn't yet. He just…refused to.

But then Axel pulled back, and their bodies parted…the heat started to leave, the cold hitting his skin at the same moment that guilt invaded his heart. The good feeling was gone in a flash. He'd taken advantage of his best friend, and Axel was nowhere _close_ to forgetting about it this time. He'd selfishly crossed a very bad line, not thinking of Axel's feelings or his heartbreak right now and… _Oh God…he…he'll…hate…_ But the thought was impossible to think, even if the feeling was certain and cold in his heart, twisted together with the gnawing guilt. And pain. Because of what he'd done… But Roxas wasn't strong enough right now to face any of it, wasn't even _close_ to strong enough to face Axel. All he could do was roll over slightly, onto his side, curling his body toward the back of the couch, eyes closed, arms clutching tight around himself as if holding on to those last threads of warmth.

Whatever Axel called him now, whatever he said or did, even if he beat Roxas up, the blond didn't care. He knew he deserved it, and he just hoped it would be over soon. He hoped…Axel would be gone before his sobs broke free.

~o~


	4. It's Gonna Make You Cry

**Author's Note:** The Chapter In Which Axel Thinks Too Much. XD

All Axel's thinking is for Barbara. 8D

* * *

Chapter 4 ~ It's Gonna Make You Cry

If Axel had panicked on Sunday morning, the moment he half-remembered getting a blow job from his best friend…then this was something else. It wasn't a wide-eyed freak-out like his usual panic. It was more like absolute shell-shocked disbelief. Or maybe it was more of a slow-burning panic, growing on him, getting ready to spring out full force in just a minute. That might be it…the neurotic tingling crawling up his spine to the back of his neck certainly seemed to fit with the idea of an imminent freak-out.

For the moment, however, Axel was trying to keep it at bay. Keep calm. _Don't start screaming._ He sat on the couch and slowly stretched a shaking hand toward some tissues, carefully cleaning up and tucking himself back into his pants, wincing a little at the uncomfortable feeling when he was still this sensitive. But he could deal. Because there was no way he was just gonna sit there and process this with his junk hanging out like some kind of caveman.

Though a caveman might have been able to muster a clearer train of thought…

_I…just had sex…with Roxas. Roxas. I had __**sex**__ with __**Roxas**__. _Green eyes shot nervously to the side for a quick glance before jumping back to the opposite wall, wide open and staring. _Yup, that's Roxas. Naked. Kinda…cute…sexy… Holy shit I fucked my best friend. Fucked him…it was…w-woah… Damn every man who's ever touched him. Damn them all to hell. He's so… Oh my God, I screwed a man in the ass! I was…I was just in there!_ Another quick-as-green-lighting glance at the bare curve of a very recently screwed ass. _I was inside…Roxas' ass! F-fucking him…having sex…really hard…sweet Jesus it was tight. _He shivered, his flesh remembering that squeeze, like nothing he'd ever known. No woman had let him try the "back door" yet, and even a _virgin_ couldn't compare to this! _He's good. He's __**really**__ good at it. He's… God damn it, if I ever find one of those men, I'll castrate him on the spot. A-and it wasn't a dream. It was a memory. He…he did that…he did, didn't he? He really…blew me. _Axel paused, rethinking. _Well, I mean, yeah, I guess he just did it again, too…so, twice now. So. So…Roxas blew me twice. I fucked Roxas once. Hard. Just now. Why the fucking __**fuck**__ did I do that? What was I __**thinking?**__ He… _Another glance, this one daring to linger. _He's…shit. It's not fair…looking like that. Since when is Roxas…hot? Stupid fucking insane drunk idiot doing shit like having sex with… Hey…is he…OK? _

Roxas hadn't moved, and it was just sinking in to Axel's confused, self-berating, scared, muddled brain that he looked kinda…hurt, like that. Curled up and breathing shallowly and not. Moving. At all.

_Holy shit I killed him_.

Axel froze, face ghost-white and stomach preparing to expel a lot of alcohol and two slices of pizza in the next ten seconds. It took a moment for him to remember that he'd _already_ observed Roxas breathing, which he was _still_ doing, and therefore he couldn't be dead. Then it took him a few more slightly-less-panicked moments before he remembered something important.

_Tifa said no because…she said it hurt a lot, and she didn't see why we needed to do something that would hurt her when she had a perfectly good…_ _Oh_. But of course, Roxas didn't have _that_. And Tifa had said things about how much work it was and such a bother to prepare things so it wouldn't be really painful…but Axel was pretty sure they hadn't done anything special, Roxas had just blown him and Axel guessed he'd been touching himself and then Axel had entered… _And it was so tight it was even hard to get in…well, yeah, I guess it's not made for going __**in**__. And he…he was screaming…_

It had taken him a while to figure things out, but, to Axel's credit, he _did_ feel the appropriate spike of fearful concern once he realized Roxas' situation.

Swallowing hard, Axel opened his mouth…and waited a few moments before his voice came out properly. "Uh…um, Roxas? Are…uh…are you…OK?"

Something about Roxas' shoulders seemed to stiffen slightly at Axel's voice, but he couldn't see his best friend's face, turned toward the couch like that and all. Axel leaned forward slightly anyway, trying to…but he couldn't work up the nerve to lean too close, or to touch Roxas. He was just…scared to.

After a pause, a very, very small voice answered, "Yes."

That was all. Little red eyebrows furrowed as Axel frowned, unconvinced. "Uhm…are you sure? You don't look so good…" He'd leaned forward again, stretching his hand toward Roxas a little. The blond must have felt the motion, because he flinched away from Axel, and the next moment the redhead blinked in surprise. Roxas' whole body went stiff, a gasping hiss escaping him…and his breathing got a lot deeper and heavier very suddenly.

"Are you…Roxas, does it…hurt?" The blond's reaction was really beginning to worry Axel.

It was another few deep breaths before the small voice spoke again. "I'm fine. It's fine. It doesn't hurt. Just…forget about it."

Leaning back slightly, Axel frowned even deeper. _Oh hell…I'm an ass. What have I done?_ With that, he gathered his courage and got up, immediately bending over the huddled body of his best friend. He touched Roxas' arm gently, brushing lightly over the already-chilled skin and wincing when Roxas jumped again, and then released the tiniest whimper. Now Axel _knew_.

He let his hands roam lightly over Roxas' skin as he moved, just so that the blond would feel his touch and not be surprised as Axel gathered the young man into his arms and lifted him as carefully as he could. It still surprised Roxas though – he was stiff as a board and shivering, and when Axel lifted him it finally brought those blue eyes up to his own.

Roxas looked…terrified. Kind of like Axel had felt a minute ago. "Wh-what are you doing? P-put me d-down…!"

Trying to sound more determined than he was – because some part of him was scared to disobey Roxas right now, after what he'd done – Axel inhaled and replied. "Hell no. You're not OK. I'm taking you to bed."

Voice gaining strength from fear and confusion, Roxas disagreed, "No, no…I'm fine, I told you…"

"Yeah," Axel cut in. "You gave me the same damn lie on that one ski trip we took in college, when you broke your fucking leg falling on the slopes and then tried to get _up_ and _ski down the mountain _on it! You know what they say, Roxas… 'Fool me once' and all that. So don't think you can fool me again. It hurts like hell, doesn't it?"

Carefully trying to adjust Roxas' weight in his arms, Axel started for the bedroom. Roxas was silent…and then Axel felt his friend's head drop, forehead pressing against his shoulder. Body still shaking, he heard the frail answer.

"It hurts…"

"Yeah." _God I'm such an idiot._

"It really hurts."

"Yeah. Tell the truth, Roxas."

There was a sound like a hiccup, followed by a whimper. "It hurts…_ahh!…_so much…" A small sob broke the blond's voice as Roxas flinched again. _Dear God…what the hell was I doing? Please…make it stop hurting for him…_

Forcing as much of the waver out of his voice as possible, Axel quietly answered, "Yeah. I'm…sorry Roxas." There was another pause, the blond not answering, just shaking and tense as Axel maneuvered them into the bedroom. "I'm sorry for hurting you."

He tried to let Roxas down gently, but the blond jolted and cried out in pain when his back touched the bed. Axel winced and apologized again, but Roxas was already turning onto his side. Away from Axel. And somehow…that hurt, a little.

"Uh…" The redhead faltered.

"You can go."

The voice was quiet, and Axel could hear the suppressed tears. Again, it hurt. It hurt to be dismissed. It hurt him to see Roxas in pain. _Well, duh, he's my best friend…_ Axel paused, wondering if he still had the right to call Roxas that. Wondering if maybe he'd just lost one of the most precious people in his life. _No…hell no. Not if there's anything I can do to keep him…_

"I'm not leaving, Roxas." Axel tried to sound firm. "I'm not. So…tell me what I can do to help."

"Nothing. Just leave me."

"Not happening." _Stop sounding so fucking __**empty**__._ "I'm gonna take care of you. What should I do?"

It was a good minute before Roxas answered, but Axel sat on the side of the bed and waited, making it clear that he wasn't backing down. Finally, Roxas took a deep breath. "In the bathroom, in the drawer, there should be some ointment…"

"OK." Axel got up. Dug around in the bathroom for a while. Found something that looked fairly likely – skin salve with a topical anesthetic – and brought it back. "Is this it?" He held it over the smaller body, in front of Roxas' face. The blond just nodded, reaching weakly for it.

Axel withdrew his hand, not letting Roxas have it. He ignored the weak protests Roxas made as he guided the blond to roll onto his stomach. He wouldn't argue either, just quieted Roxas with a gentle "Shhh."

The ointment's purpose was obvious, even to a blockhead like himself. And he'd already made up his mind – Axel would take care of Roxas, including doing _this_ for him. It was just…a little hard to make his hand move, when he was looking at his friend's bare bottom and trying to gather the nerve. It took several calming gulps and a battle against the shivers, but he did it. It took working up the nerve to ask Roxas to help by holding himself open so Axel could apply the stuff. But he did that too, and Roxas obeyed, and Axel heard the choked sound of embarrassed tears muffled by a pillow but still strong enough to make his face heat up and his heart feel a little shredded.

Still, he did everything Roxas needed. Especially once he saw the red, raw-looking skin – Axel was determined to suck it up for Roxas' sake and help take the pain away. And really, the task wasn't as bad as he'd expected. It was weird, _so_ weird, and embarrassing and awkward and he had to try to forget for a second that this was his _best friend_ – not that he really _could_ forget that, but he still had to _try_ – and yet it wasn't like he'd thought it would be. Axel didn't feel disgusted, didn't feel that it was horrible and gross to touch Roxas like this, even though a part of his mind _wanted_ to make sense of it that way. But the repulsed feeling…just wasn't there.

He finished and got Roxas a glass of water, and he took his time out of the room because Roxas was still sniffling quietly – a heartbreaking sound Axel didn't think he could stand to listen to. Then, he brought an extra blanket and covered Roxas, tucking him in. He stood awkwardly for a moment when everything was set, before mumbling uncertainly, "Um, I guess I'll go sleep…uh, on the floor, then." The couch had been his bed last night, but tonight…he didn't think he could sleep there. He didn't think he could _look_ at that couch yet.

Roxas, who hadn't said anything in a while, finally spoke. "Don't. Sleep on the floor, I mean."

"No, it's OK," Axel shuffled his feet. "I'll be fine, so uh, goodnight…"

"Don't…" The voice was even smaller now. "Don't go…"

_Oh God, why?_ Biting his lip, he breathed carefully. "OK."

There was a sleeping bag in one of Roxas' closets, which Axel managed to find. He brought it back, and prepared to set up by the bed, but Roxas again told him not to sleep on the floor. Slowly then, Axel brought the sleeping bag around to the other side of the bed, glad it was a double bed but wishing it was even larger. From this side, he could see Roxas' face, blue eyes uncertain but watching him.

"Is it…OK? Are you sure?"

The blond head just nodded.

So Axel spread the sleeping bag out and lay down next to Roxas. He didn't dare touch him, but they looked at each other – small glances, mostly…occasionally longer, wordless gazes. It was strange and awkward, staring so seriously at someone who for years had been _just a friend, just a best friend, nothing more…_but who was now _"someone I slept with."_ It was confusing – the usually self-assured redhead just had no idea what to do or think or say. So he just watched Roxas, wishing he could turn away but feeling that he shouldn't. Even if it was difficult to fall asleep when lying face to face like this…he just couldn't bring himself to turn his back on Roxas. Not after the stupid, out-of-control thing he'd done…

Axel only spoke once more, a while later, softly repeating the word, "Goodnight." Roxas didn't answer, but he nodded a little. Axel stared at the blankets between them when he couldn't handle those blue eyes anymore, and eventually they slipped shut, exhausted. A little while after being released from Roxas' spell, Axel was able to doze off too. Even confused as hell and guilty to match, his body was too tired to let the night pass sleeplessly.

They both slept through the night, more peacefully than either had expected. That was all.

~o~

Tuesday morning came right on time, without regard for how disastrous Monday night had been. Tuesday morning always followed Monday night, and didn't make much fuss over the occasional mess Monday night would leave, expecting someone else to clean up after it. Tuesday mostly didn't want to get involved in it.

Axel was waking up on a Tuesday morning, and that was probably why he was awake the moment he opened his eyes. He wasn't startled awake by anything, and he wasn't his usual half-aware, groggy self – it was just a rare case of waking up all at once, for no apparent reason. And maybe he should have been confused and alarmed when his first sight was his best friend's sleeping face less than a foot from his own, but he wasn't. He had a bit of a headache, but no memory loss from the night before – the act was clear and right there, waiting for his attention as soon as Axel woke up. Roxas' presence was no surprise.

The only thing that _did_ surprise him was a small discovery Axel made when he attempted to scrub at his eyes and clear them of the haze of sleep – his hand wouldn't move. He tugged, and immediately realized the reason – his hand was caught in Roxas'. Between their bodies, clasped tightly, and Axel couldn't tell who was holding whom, didn't know who had initiated it – but they were apparently both holding on tightly. _Did I…?_

There was just enough time to realize this – no time to process the idea. The tug on his hand woke Roxas up.

The blond blinked a few times before realizing what had woken him. The first thing he did was relax his hold on Axel, and the redhead took that as his cue to let go. He was already searching Roxas' expression, trying to read him, trying to figure out how he should act, because last night definitely wasn't a dream this time. _What do you say in a situation like this? How should I act after losing control and doing my best friend? _Axel had never been in this situation before. Mostly, when he'd woken up next to someone, he'd taken pretty intentional steps in that direction, so he knew how to act when it was over. A few times, when he was a little younger, he'd been a bit surprised by the person in his bed in the morning…but those people hadn't been _friends_, and it was comparatively easy to get out of the awkward situation when they were _strangers_. _Oh yeah…and __**women**__._

"Hi." Roxas had spoken first. Quietly.

"H-hi…" Axel swallowed.

This…he just didn't know what to do about this. Axel wasn't even sure how he _felt_ about this. A part of him knew very well – now that he wasn't drunk, and was capable of logical thought – that he'd done something stupid. And another part of him wanted to be horrified and freaked out and sickened. But for some reason, that part didn't have much _feeling_ behind it – it was more like a thought that believed it should be backed by conviction but…wasn't.

The rest of his mind and emotions were scattered. Uneasy, and nervous about _what comes next_, but not firmly set in any particular direction. It was…odd. He was usually more confident than this. But right now, he needed guidance. He needed Roxas to give him some idea how to act, some direction, and Axel wasn't used to relying on cues from anyone.

And Roxas…wasn't giving many. His face, for the most part, was carefully blank. Only his eyes reflected any emotion – they were a little dark and shifty. Troubled. Pained? Should he start by apologizing? But he wasn't sure that would give the right impression, he wasn't sure that's what Roxas wanted…even though he _was_ sorry. Not…exactly regretful that it happened – _Wait, what?_ – but at least definitely sorry that it had happened _that way_ and that Roxas had been hurt.

_Hurt. Oh yeah. _

Inhaling carefully, he tried to talk quietly, tried to sound neutral but concerned. "Are…um, how are you feeling today?"

A slight frown wrinkled Roxas' forehead. The blond looked thoughtful for a moment, then he gingerly shifted his body, testing. Axel watched as Roxas, finding himself able to move, slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position, the blankets falling away from his bare upper body… Axel felt a shiver prickle his spine. Details, details… The swell of a dark bruise on Roxas' face – _Oh my God, that's right, I_ _**punched**__ him!_ The mottled markings covering Roxas' neck – he sort of remembered putting them there. A few scattered bruises down his sides, on his hips – places Axel had grabbed too hard. Placed that probably hurt, now… And Roxas was wincing as he sat up fully.

"Ah…still a little sore." Axel watched him run a hand through utterly snarled blond hair, wincing again and feeling the back of his head gingerly, mumbling under his breath, "There's a bump…thought so…" Then he was wiping at slightly puffy-looking blue eyes, one at a time – only very lightly brushing the one that was swollen – and glancing at Axel quickly before looking away again. "How…how about you?"

Having followed Roxas' lead, Axel was sitting up too. "Um, bit of a headache." He now noticed that he'd slept in his jeans…and he felt kind of gross all over. He didn't want to mention that, though. Roxas probably felt a lot worse. He hadn't been able to clean up afterward at all, really…

The redhead nearly jumped when he realized Roxas was looking at him, the tiniest wry smile on his face and in his tired-looking eyes. "Too bad we have to go to work, huh?"

For a brief moment, Axel was too startled by the relaxed tone to answer. Then, he shook himself to life and followed Roxas' lead. "Yeah…" He tried to force a joking grin, but it probably came off a little weak. "Sucks." _Damn, it really does. I forgot about that…what the hell was I thinking, calling in and canceling my vacation? I could've had this whole week off! It's not like I need to save for a house, now…_ Then he looked up again. Roxas had turned away and was scooting off the edge of the bed, trying to tug the blanket around himself as he got up. He wasn't _completely_ successful, but when those nervous blue eyes shot back toward Axel, checking if he'd seen, the redhead was already turning to get out on his own side of the bed, appearing not to have noticed the flash of pale flesh – Roxas' backside.

Wobbling a little, the blond tried to straighten and didn't quite manage it. "Hey," Axel started to hurry around the bed, "Hey hang on there, where are you going?" _Ah…_ Axel hadn't thought before reaching out his hands to Roxas' arm, holding him up to support him. He'd just reacted, trying to help, not thinking that the touch would mean anything. Not expecting Roxas to freeze like this, not knowing his own hands would suddenly feel too warm, almost on fire – a completely new feeling for him, after years of feeling nothing at all when he happened to touch his friend casually.

Startled, embarrassed, Axel let go. Roxas wasn't facing him, but his voice was too easy to read – a strained attempt at carefree. "I…just need the bathroom. Can you wait for a shower?"

_What the hell was that? _"Oh…yeah. Yeah go ahead, I'll use it when you're all done." Roxas agreed and limped out of the room, leaving Axel to flop at once onto the warm sheets the blond had just left. _Why the hell did it…feel like that? I just touched his arm! What the hell is my heart beating all fast for?_ Absent-mindedly, his hands stroked the sheets, absorbing the fading body heat and distracting him, making Axel's mind wander just as slowly over the memories of the night before – of warm skin under his fingers, sweating and alive… _I guess sex changes things. I mean, well, yeah…it does. Shit…are we ever gonna be able to go back to being best friends?_

The redhead stood, turned, and started tidying up and making the bed as he thought. It was far easier for him to process things logically while he was active.

_OK. First. We had sex. Sometimes people can just…get over that kinda thing. But sometimes it messes everything up, so I dunno…_

_Ugh. Well, second then. Roxas is acting pretty nice about it so far…not cracking me across the face for screwing him. But what if that's only because he's…_

_Oh yeah. He's gay. OK, third – Roxas is gay. Like, definitely gay. He slept with a bunch of filthy, disgusting, maggot-brained, perverted fucking assholes who all deserve to die. And who were guys, I guess. And he blew me…twice. And we had sex. And…he said something about…he was in love with me? He said…in college, he did that shit because he was in love with me…_

Pausing while arranging the pillows, Axel blinked. _ Woah woah woah wait. OK, so he's really, truly gay. Sleeps with guys and falls in love with guys. But…but he was in love with __**me?**__ And…wait…what does that mean __**now?**__ He isn't…still in love with me, is he? Or is he over me, but he just wanted to have sex…?_

Beginning to panic over this particular question, Axel wracked his brains, searching for more hints in his memory. _What exactly did Roxas say?_ He remembered the bit about college, but he couldn't remember if Roxas had said anything that related specifically to _now_. Had Roxas said anything about getting over Axel at any point? _I don't think so…_ Had he said he was still in love with him even _now?_ _Agh…um…shit, I can't remember! _There were some very unfortunate holes in Axel's memory – patches where things got hazy, faded in and out before coming relatively clear again once he was inside Roxas…having sex with him…

_But I thought…maybe…he said something about wanting me, didn't he? I think he did…he wanted to have sex with me. But…damn, did he say if that was because he was in love with me? It could have just been because of…uh, being gay and all. Maybe he was trying to warn me or something, or explain how things are for him…ugh, shit! I have no idea!_

The bed was made, and Axel moved out into the living room to continue cleaning, his pace picking up as his thoughts got more frantic. _If he's __**not**__, that would probably be best, right? Because then we could get past this easily enough. He would still want to be my friend, I think…or maybe a sex friend. Sex friend…_ Axel hadn't been thinking too deeply about his own feelings in this situation yet – he was mostly too worried about Roxas'. That thought, however…that made him pause. He couldn't quite think of _why_, but Axel had a pretty clear idea that he wasn't going to agree to being sex friends with Roxas. _But that would be OK anyway, because Roxas is cool like that. If that was all he wanted, he'd be fine if I said no, and we could go back to normal, no problem. But…_

Having put away the alcohol he'd left out the night before and rinsed out the bottles he'd emptied, Axel paused as he turned his attention to the couch. The innocent-looking, only slightly disordered couch. Where he'd had sex with Roxas. Where he'd left his shirt, thrown over the back…and one lone bath towel in a heap on the floor. Swallowing, Axel began to pick those items up too.

_If Roxas is in love with me…__**now**__…that might be a problem. You don't usually stay friends after having sex, when one person is in love and the other one isn't…_ A weird, uncomfortable sensation in his stomach interrupted Axel. _I'm __**not**__, after all…I'm not. That's impossible. I'm friends with Roxas and he's a great guy, but I like women. I love women. I love…_ Axel's face fell. _I'm in love with Tifa…right. But I guess that's over, now…_

The bathroom door opened.

Green eyes shot up, Axel pausing on his way to the bedroom with his shirt and the towel. _Oh thank God…_ Apparently, Roxas kept a robe in the bathroom, or he'd thought far ahead enough to grab one from a closet on his way there before his shower. He was wearing it now, slowly making his way toward his room and Axel, a little steadier than before but still limping. And, for some reason, the combination of just-out-of-the-shower damp cleanness and the lingering marks of passion on the blond's neck and in his posture…just struck Axel as remarkably sexy. The black eye didn't diminish the appeal in the least – he barely saw it. Axel's skin tingled as he eyed Roxas in the few moments before the blond looked up far enough to notice him…and he was unexpectedly relieved that Roxas was better covered than, say, the night before. The memories were hard enough to ignore – he didn't need a refresher on the way his best friend looked, fresh from the shower, wearing only a towel.

Then Roxas looked up and saw Axel, and his steps faltered a moment before resuming, a weak smile on his face. "Shower's free now."

Swallowing, Axel moved to let Roxas past him into the bedroom. "OK…thanks." _Shoulda put a shirt on or something…_ The redhead didn't have time to question why he was feeling self-conscious in front of Roxas.

"Um," Roxas paused in the doorway, leaning a shoulder against the doorpost. "About yesterday…" Axel tensed. _No! I'm not ready yet, I…don't know what to say…_ "I never got to ask you how things went…you know, yesterday morning," Roxas finished.

Knotted-up insides suddenly relaxed. _Oh, good…_ "The thing with Tifa?" Axel shifted his weight, glancing at Roxas as the blond nodded, listening. Axel sighed. "It's over."

The familiar face of his friend was etched with sadness and concern. "I'm sorry." Roxas glanced away, then back again after a little pause. "Are you OK?"

Running a hand through his grimy-feeling hair, Axel shrugged. "I dunno. I kinda wish she'd said she was cheating on me or something. Then I could've blown up, yelled, found the guy and beat him up…I could've been mad at her. I think it would be easier to let go if I could blame her like that."

The wrinkle of Roxas' frown deepened. "What _did_ she say?"

"Just…that we weren't right for each other." Axel rubbed fingertips over his eyebrows. "She said she just realized it, and we don't really fit. _She_ thinks I need to be with someone who can't live without me, and I guess she just can't feel that way." Bitterness slightly tainted his voice. "Kinda hard to throw a fit at her for that, so I'm not really sure how to…react, you know?" _Besides attacking my best friend…shit._ Axel hoped Roxas wouldn't bring that up.

But the blond just looked sympathetic and thoughtful. "Why would she agree to marry you if she didn't feel like she _needed_ you? I don't get why anyone would decide to spend the rest of their life with someone when they'd be fine even if that person wasn't there."

Axel shook his head, trying not to mind the sting these thoughts brought to his heart. "You're asking the wrong guy. I don't really get it either. But maybe it's just because I'm a weak guy, too needy or something…"

"No, Ax, you're not weak." Roxas' hand reached out to him slightly, but then fell again as the blond crossed his arms. "I agree with you. I feel like…if I love a person, I need to be with them…and I could deal with other losses or hurts, but I couldn't deal with my life if they weren't in it." Axel looked up, trying to read blue eyes…that evaded him, glancing down. "S-so…I think she's the one who doesn't make sense. I don't understand how it's love, any other way."

For two days, Axel had been trying to drown his heartbreak, and as it turned out, none of the booze had comforted him quite like these few words from Roxas. Just hearing his friend – whose opinion he valued and whose company he enjoyed – offering this small bit of consolation…well, it didn't solve everything, but Axel felt as if a good portion of the weight on his heart was lifted. Roxas agreed with him. He expressed the feeling that Axel hadn't been able to find words for, but that had been twisting his heart so painfully since yesterday – _Yeah. What kind of love is __**that**__, anyway?_ "I guess," he mumbled halfheartedly, "it takes all types of people, you know?"

"I suppose." Roxas nodded, reluctantly. "Maybe it works for some people. Like Tifa."

_Yeah. Maybe for her. But not for me…us. Roxas and me…we're different from that._ And, though he didn't realize at the time where the soothing feeling of relaxation and security came from, Axel would eventually figure out that the thing he'd been most comforted by in that short conversation was the sense of solidarity he'd had with Roxas. The feeling that he wasn't some alien creature with a defunct heart that didn't match up properly with the _one person_ who he most wanted to _fit_ with at that time. Instead…he was just a guy. Just a human being, and not a screwed-up one, because he had company – Roxas could relate, and Roxas was his best friend.

_I don't care what I have to do._ The thought was sudden and clear. _I won't lose Roxas. _Axel knew instinctively that this was priceless – a companion in the loneliest time of his life – and he'd deal with whatever weirdness after what had happened and he'd work things out _no matter what_. Because he'd just lost his fiancée, and he couldn't lose his best friend too. Not now, not ever. He _needed_ Roxas.

"You better get your shower now," Roxas pushed off gently from the door frame. "We're still fine for time, but if we keep chatting in the hallway, we're gonna be late for work."

_Ugh, work…_ Axel rolled his eyes unhappily and headed for the bathroom, borrowing a towel on the way. _Seriously, what __**was**__ I thinking? Dealing with people today is just gonna be…ugh._ Still, the shower helped. Hot water pouring over him – as hot as his skin could take – was always comforting to Axel, and of course, getting clean helped him feel better too. Not to mention the hesitant lift of his spirits after talking to Roxas without having some sort of horrible, explosive fight after last night. _Plus, after all, Roxas probably has it worse. He has to sit and answer phones all day, and I dunno…from the way he's walking, I wonder if he'll be OK. Sitting might hurt…_

It was not a good time to be thinking about that. The shower was definitely not the place to start thinking about Roxas or the reason he was walking funny today. Especially not while borrowing his body wash and shampoo, since Axel's was still at his ex-fiancée's apartment. _Maybe I should've just rinsed off…or stuck with soap…_ It was too late now, though – now that Axel was surrounded by the scent that was always clinging to Roxas, to his clothes, his pillow, his bed, his hair and skin…especially when he was right out of the shower, not wearing anything at all. Like last night. _Oh, God no…_

Axel was hard.

He really should have been paying attention. He knew that. He should have fled that train of thought and gotten on a completely unsexy one instead. Like work today, or how he was going to have to move out of Tifa's, or… Axel's mind was too blank to think of other distractions, and those two unfortunately didn't stick. He hadn't even touched himself…but there was hot water hitting his cock and running down and his imagination had already painted a really excellent, detailed image of ten minutes ago, right here, Roxas standing in this shower, naked, washing himself…

Well, _that_ was the wrong thing to imagine. In more ways than one. A very freaked-out corner of Axel's mind was completely horrified at this sudden fantasy about a _man_, a _friend_, and it only made things worse that the fantasy had intensified his erection, finishing the job that his stupid, idiotic, perverted wandering mind had started. Axel ground his teeth in frustration, trying not to groan aloud as his right hand wrapped tightly around his cock. Even if this was completely fine with the rest of his mind, Axel didn't really have time for this, and now the quickest solution was to just do it. Get it taken care of. _OK. Just…hurry._

For about five seconds, as his hand began to move, Axel tried to stick to a new, _different_ sexy train of thought. His best fantasy involved Tifa in a really slutty maid outfit… But that didn't work at all today. Not when the thought of Tifa made his stomach sink with the memory of being dumped…not when the firm squeeze of his fist suddenly reminded him of just how _tight_ it had been…last night…inside Roxas…

Leaning forward, bracing his free hand against the tile wall, Axel moved his hand to the head of his cock and _squeezed_. His mind jumped instantly to the memory of that feeling from last night – Roxas in his lap, holding him, taking him in… Axel's hand began to move in a slow stroke as he remembered that first penetration. So slow as to be almost halting…until the last part. His free hand came off the wall to help maintain the pressure along his entire length as Axel paused before jerking both hands right to the base of his cock, hard. The memory was so fresh, he could almost hear Roxas' muffled scream as the blond closed over him completely…

His forehead pressed against cooler tile as hot water streamed over him and Axel started stroking hard and fast, not minding that it was rough – especially once the last of the soap was rinsed away – because it _had_ been rough. So silky and hot and tight inside, but still rough thrusting into Roxas' body. Not like anything he'd ever known, not the usual automatic slickness of a woman, but not unpleasant…not at _all_. His hand squeezed and pumped faster, mind replaying the feel of Roxas riding him, the sweat and the scent of his body and the heat and the sounds of _sex_ and Roxas moaning and whimpering words about how Axel was so _big, oh fuck._ Pleasure jolted his body with each thrust of his sensitive member into his fists, his legs feeling dangerously weak and boneless as he got close, _so close, almost…_

The muffled sound of Roxas' raised voice reached him from the other side of the door, "Hey Ax, hurry up! You better not have fallen asleep in there! See if I drive you anywhere today, you lazy ass!"

Without warning, Axel came. He didn't have time to wonder why Roxas' voice interrupting him hadn't had the _opposite_ effect – he was too busy trying to stay _utterly and completely silent_. Roxas was _right there_ – thank God he had been quiet so far! But Axel wasn't really thinking those things yet. As he came hard all over the wall he was facing, Axel was concentrating on _not making a sound_, his brow furrowing hard as he bit his lip and just hung on…

"Ax?"

The spasms fading, but still pulsing in his body, Axel forced the steadiest voice he could. "Yeah, sorry, be out in a minute!"

"Hopefully a minute this week!" Roxas called back. Axel felt himself grinning madly, in spite of his limp body nearly falling over in the shower and the raging guilt that would be striking him full force in about thirty seconds. There was just something about Roxas' voice…so damn familiar and friendly, so perfectly _Roxas_. It was…precious to him.

He'd worry later about Roxas' behavior this morning. Axel would definitely wonder how the blond could act so naturally toward him today. Was he going to pretend last night had never happened?

For now, though, Axel was just really, _really_ _glad_ that door wasn't made of glass, and Roxas couldn't see what he'd been doing.

And yet, if it _had_ been…Axel would have seen that Roxas didn't walk off after his last comeback, the way it had sounded. He would have seen the blond still standing there, very, very close to the door, leaning back against the frame, face turned to the side as glassy blue eyes stared at some imaginary vision beyond the barrier. If the door had been glass…Axel would have looked up to see a flushed and desperate face gazing right at him, looking very much like he felt in that moment.

Neither one had any idea – each thought himself completely alone in his need.

~o~


	5. I've Had the Blues

**Author's Note: **The Chapter In Which Axel Thinks And Talks Too Much. XD Sorry if it's boring. I'll make it up to you next week. ;3

The blues, the reds and the pinks are all for Barbara. :D

* * *

Chapter 5 ~ I've Had the Blues, the Reds and the Pinks

The plan _had_ been for Roxas to drop Axel off at his former place of residence on his way to work, allowing Axel to get dressed appropriately – he had never left a suit at Roxas' place, except for the tux from the wedding, and that was a good deal too formal for work – as well as pick up his car, which he had left there on Saturday. He'd hoped to finally put an end to everyone _else_ having to drive him around, since he hadn't actually been back _home_ in a few days.

But things didn't work out quite as planned. Upon pulling into the parking lot in front of Tifa's apartment complex, the redhead groaned. "Oh, please don't tell me she took my car to work…" A hurried search confirmed it – apparently Tifa had wanted one more spin in that pretty show car. Or so Axel thought, and he was about to get thoroughly pissed at his ex when his eye caught sight of _her_ car in the lot – with three slashed tires. That killed Axel's temper in a flash. Evidently, Tifa wasn't having the best morning either. _Oh fuck, please don't let it have been someone I know who heard about what happened…shit, I have to talk to a few people as soon as possible…damn._ He hadn't seen it coming, but it was true that Axel had a few old friends whom he wouldn't entirely put this past…especially if they'd been bored and drinking.

So, instead of his first plan, Axel found himself running upstairs as fast as possible to throw on a suit and grab a tie and shoes and toss a few things in an overnight bag and hurry back down to Roxas, who could just get him to work and still make it to his own job on time. Then Axel would have to hang around for about half an hour after work to wait for Roxas to come pick him up…and maybe they could go back and get Axel's car then. _Or maybe not…_ He'd have to see Tifa if he did that, not to mention take back a car that she probably needed until hers could get towed to a shop… _Roxas is definitely gonna tell me I'm too fucking nice._ Axel sighed, sighting the dealership as he finished tying his tie. _Well, first things first._

"You sure you're ready to be working again already?" Roxas was eying him with a little worry as he pulled in. Axel shrugged, then changed his mind. Flashing Roxas a broad, cheesy grin, the redhead's voice took on a professional sales pitch tone.

"Would you be interested in test-driving a new luxury sedan or convertible? Allow me to tell you about some of the benefits that come with being an exclusive Lexus owner…"

Snorting, Roxas whacked his shoulder. "Like I could ever afford one of those in a million years. Get out of here, you crooked salesman." Axel made a face and complied, opening the car door to get out. "I'll get here as soon as I can this afternoon, OK?" Roxas called after him.

"Yeah, thanks," Axel answered, waving as he headed into the dealership and Roxas pulled back out.

_I can't believe he's still acting so __**normal**__…what the hell is going __**on?**_ Axel walked onto the sales floor and silenced his muddled brain. The time for confusion and emotional roller coasters was done. It was time to sell some luxury cars.

Except the Lexus dealership was rather dead this morning – well, Tuesday mornings were not the busiest time for car sales – and pretty soon Axel found himself wandering over to the coffee station, as were many of the salesmen.

"Hey man," One of his co-workers caught his attention as Axel was stirring sugar into his coffee. He looked up to see Riku, one of his closer acquaintances at work…close enough that he'd been invited to the wedding. "I didn't expect to see you here today." Riku looked sympathetic. He'd been there; he'd seen what happened.

"Yeah," Axel made a wry face and shrugged. "I wanted to keep busy I guess."

Nodding, Riku slapped him lightly on the back. "Really sorry about the wedding. How are things going now?"

Reminded of yet another reason he shouldn't have come to work this soon, Axel began the painful task of explaining the end of his engagement to his friend. It was still hard to talk about, but Riku, at least, was a caring enough guy that he could listen and be empathetic and keep quiet about it, not go spreading the word to everyone on the sales floor.

"That's rough," Riku shook his head after Axel related Tifa's reasoning. "Even if you wanna disagree, it's hard to argue with that. Women, huh?" He shrugged. "They're a mystery."

Agreeing, Axel was forced to drop the conversation there. A few potential customers were starting to trickle in, and he and Riku had some sales smiles to flash. They didn't talk much after that, not until lunch. Another salesman had gathered orders and cash and run out for Applebee's, and Riku and Axel were able to take their lunch at the same time. As Axel attacked his burger and Riku opened his Chinese chicken salad, the silver-haired man picked up the conversation again.

"So, what are you doing now? Where are you staying?"

Swallowing, Axel replied, "Roxas is letting me stay at his place for now…you've met Roxas, right? He was my best man…"

"Yeah," Riku interrupted. "I know his cousin, remember?"

_Oh right…_ Axel had forgotten. "Yeah, that's right. Small world." At some point he'd learned that Riku was quite good friends with Roxas' cousin, Sora. It had probably been the ice-breaker that made them more chatty and friendly at work, come to think of it. "Well yeah, anyway, staying with Roxas until I can get moved out of Tifa's."

"Hmm." Riku nodded. "Moving where? Your own place, or with Roxas?"

"Yeah, I have no idea yet." Axel _really_ didn't want to start _that_ train of thought again. Thankfully, Riku didn't push him.

"Damn, that's no fun though, having to move out of her place…I'm really sorry you have to go through that. It's just…yeah. Not fun."

"Yeah." Axel's insides squirmed at the thought. Moving out…having to be over there, packing up…sorting his stuff from hers, arguing over who owned this or that little thing… _Ugh. Don't think about that. You're at work._ "Yeah, sucks." _Talk about something other than __**her**__…_ "So uh, you ever done that?"

Glancing up at him, Riku blinked. "What?"

"You know, had to move out of a girlfriend's place? Sounded like you knew what it was like…"

"Oh! Oh, no," Riku denied quickly. "Sorry, I was just saying. I mean, I've never had to, but it just seems obvious that it would be miserable to deal with."

"Yeah, I gotcha." Axel nodded, returning to his burger, mind wandering. "You probably have better luck, huh? You have a girlfriend anyway, don't you?" He had a vague impression from somewhere that Riku was with someone…but couldn't remember why.

"Huh? Oh…no. Not right now." The silver-haired man seemed absorbed in picking at his salad.

"Really? I thought you were with someone for some reason…"

"Nah," Riku laughed shortly, shrugging. "To tell you the truth, I don't have much luck with women, you know?"

"Ah, bummer," Axel nodded sympathetically, a thought surfacing slowly. _That's…the same thing Roxas used to always say…and he was hiding it all along…_ "So uh, better luck with guys?" The redhead had only been joking, not really meaning anything by it…

Riku's voice was quiet. "What?"

"Guys. You know…maybe you'd do better with them?" He grinned awkwardly and half-shrugged. "I dunno…ever tried it?"

He wasn't sure why he asked such a weird question, or why he didn't drop it at once. Maybe his recent experiences were altering his thinking…maybe he was just hoping somewhere deep down that he could find someone to _talk_ to about this. _ Subconscious something-or-other…yeah. Blame it on the subconscious._ Axel was startled when the other man was suddenly facing him, leaning in close, voice low and intense. Aquamarine eyes were hard and searching and very, very uneasy.

"Look, who told you that?" Riku hissed. "Did Roxas say something? But Roxas would _never_…but…nobody else…_who told you that?_"

Green eyes blinked rapidly. Axel was stunned by this reaction. "Uh…what? Roxas didn't tell me anything…what are you talking about?" Riku was sitting back, looking uncertain… Axel's voice dropped to a whisper. "Are you saying you seriously _have?_ Like, been with a guy? Really?"

"Shit." Riku faced his salad again. Axel couldn't stop staring in quiet amazement.

"Oh my God, you have? I had no idea…" He blinked, trying to peel his eyes off the obviously-uncomfortable young man and act more naturally. "Uh…so are you, like…?"

"Gay?" Riku mumbled.

"Um…yes?" _Oh man, I hope I didn't offend him somehow…_

There was a silent pause before Riku nodded…then turned to Axel again, suddenly, speaking very fast and softly.

"You can't tell anyone. Please? Don't tell, I'm not out at all, no one knows, and I mean _no one_ knows about us except Roxas, and I can't let it get out…"

"Wait, Roxas?" Axel shook his head slightly, stunned. "Why does Roxas know? You guys barely know each other…" His stomach clenched, flipping over at a sudden thought. _He couldn't be…one of Roxas'…no. No. Fucking. Way._ The instant surge of dangerous anger was quickly halted by Riku's answer.

"It's not because of me…it's my…partner. I have a lover, and Roxas is close to him, so he knows. No one else."

Relief spread over Axel in a warm wave. _OK, but then, who…?_ "Your…partner?"

In a flash, Riku was returning to his food with rapid motions. "We're at work. I'm not talking about this anymore. Talk to you after if you must know."

"OK…" Axel hesitated. Well, he _did_ have time… Though it wasn't like he _needed_ to know, and he didn't want to push Riku, he was just curious now that Roxas had been mentioned. Wanting to know what Roxas' connection to the whole thing was. Wanting to make sure that Roxas wasn't close to Riku's lover because the guy was one of the blond's exes… "Coffee shop on the corner after quitting time?"

"Yeah, OK." Without another word, Riku finished his food, got up, clearing his trash, and headed back for the sales floor, barely nodding a farewell at Axel.

The redhead didn't think too much more about the wedding or his ex-fiancée that day. When his attention wasn't focused on a potential Lexus-buyer, his mind kept wandering back to the unexpected revelation – he had a gay friend. _No, scratch that…two gay friends. And I had no idea._ And somehow, Roxas was connected to Riku, though they probably hadn't…_been together_. That, at least, was comforting…though the question of how they _were_ connected was now bothering Axel to no end and making him extremely curious and impatient for 5:00 so he could find out.

They didn't leave together. Axel was detained a little by some customers, but watched Riku carefully out of the corner of his eye, verifying that he left the dealership in the direction of the coffee shop. When he was finally free, he made the short walk himself, texting Roxas so his friend would know where to find him.

He was relieved to find Riku sitting at a table with his coffee – Axel had had his doubts, worried that the guy would just disappear. But he had shown up, he was willing to explain a little…and Axel had to try to come up with some way of _asking_ while he got his coffee and joined Riku at the table.

After Axel sat down – and the pause of silence between them had a moment to develop into something truly awkward – Riku finally spoke first, quietly.

"You really won't tell anyone, right? About me…"

Absolutely sincere, Axel shook his head. "Never. If you say so, I'm as silent as the grave."

Slowly, the silver-haired young man nodded. "It's just…I don't know. _He_ always says he doesn't care, acts like it's nothing – my partner, I mean – but I just can't. It doesn't even matter how hard it would be for me, at work and all, but he…he just doesn't realize his position, how it could damage his future if we were…out. I have to protect him…"

"Uh, wow, sounds tough." Axel was trying to be sensitive and considerate and not slip up in the conversation and say something ignorant to Riku. "So, um…your partner? What's he do?"

Riku stared into his coffee. "He's an intern at Hallmark right now. Maybe once he has a job there it'll be OK, but he just…doesn't need this hurting his chances of getting in the door. Even at _Hallmark_."

"Right," Axel nodded, musing. _Wait…that sounds familiar. Don't I know someone who's doing that?_ He frowned, trying to remember. Aquamarine eyes glanced up at him, reading his expression of concentration.

Riku smirked stiffly, mumbling with a slight huff. "Yeah. It's Sora. Roxas' cousin? That's why Roxas knows."

_Roxas'…cousin…Sora?_ Axel gaped a little. _Sora's gay too? Holy fuck, I know __**three**__ gay guys?_ All he managed, however, was a slightly weak, "O-oh…" _Yeah, I guess they are really close…good thing it's not an ex…_ If he'd been asked, Axel couldn't have really explained his relief. There was just a vague feeling in his mind that it was one thing if Roxas used to have random guys…and it was another thing entirely if he still kept in touch with any of them. He swallowed. "So…you and Sora, huh? I had no idea."

"Yeah, obviously it's not something I broadcast. But you mentioned being with guys…I thought for sure you had found out somehow."

"Nope," Axel denied. "Clueless coincidence."

Riku snorted a short laugh. "Just my fault for being too easily freaked, I guess. It _is_ kinda an unexpected question from you though." The man narrowed his gaze a little skeptically at Axel. "Any particular reason you brought it up in the first place?"

"Uh…" Axel paused for a second, wondering if it was OK to say anything about Roxas' sexuality. _But then, if he knows about Riku and Sora, they probably know about him, right? Don't gay guys kinda…recognize each other?_ The rationale made sense to him. "Well…it was just this thing you said. About not having any luck with women. That's the same thing Roxas used to always tell me. I guess it was his way of side-stepping the subject when I brought women up."

Aqua eyes had suddenly flashed intensely at him again at the mention of Roxas. "Wait…so you realized?"

_Oh good, he does know._ Axel focused on the fact that he wasn't giving Roxas away, and tried not to think about the other implications – _How many other people knew this about my best friend, and I had no idea?_ "Uh, well, I didn't really _realize_, but yeah, I know."

Riku looked confused. "Did Roxas actually…_tell_ you?"

_Oh boy…_ "Mmm, not really…I mean he _did_ say it, but it was more because some stuff happened."

Rather than backing off, question answered, Riku grew even more intense, almost alarmed. "What happened?"

The demanding tension in the other man's voice startled Axel slightly. _What's he so upset about? Curious I could see, but this?_ Axel tried to sidestep the question, relatively sure that neither he nor Roxas wanted to tell anyone about what had happened between them…yet. Or ever.

"Oh, just some…stuff. Between him and me. It's just been a long weekend, ya know? So much shit happened and we both had a lot to deal with and…"

Riku cut him off, tone serious and uncompromising. "Axel. I realize that I can't possibly force you to tell me something that's none of my business, but please. Consider it a gesture of trust, since you know my secret. I need to know what's going on."

_OK…this is really weird._ Axel dropped the bullshit act. "Why is it so important? You barely know Roxas." He studied the other man's face carefully. Riku sighed.

"You're right, of course…_I'm_ not that close to him. But I'm with Sora, and Sora will hear about it, whatever it was. And if it was something bad…Sora's just such an empathetic little darling…" The young man made a helpless gesture and looked for understanding in Axel's eyes. "Besides," he continued, "maybe I can help. You look a little…troubled, ya know?"

Axel had to give him that. In fact, he was _very_ troubled about a whole lot of things he didn't understand at all, and that, more than anything, helped Axel decide to just say _fuck the fear of telling anyone this_, and confide in Riku.

Leaning forward and lowering his voice, Axel looked right in his co-worker's face and answered. "OK, you wanna know? We had sex. Me and Roxas. Last night. OK? We had sex, and I'm fucked in the head over it. Can you fix that?" He couldn't quite stifle the edge of frustrated challenge in his voice. _God_, that felt weird and uncomfortable to say. To admit to a guy…that he'd slept with a man? _So awkward… _Riku had gone still, eyes wide.

After a pause, a careful answer came. "You had sex…after he told you?"

A slight frown creased Axel's forehead. He didn't see what it mattered… "Well, kinda during, but yeah, technically after."

There was another pause before Riku slowly asked, "Maybe I'm confused…could you tell me how it happened, and what exactly he said?"

Blinking, Axel's frown deepened, but he complied. "I dunno, it just kinda…happened. Actually, his sister told me beforehand that he was…" Axel's voice lowered to a whisper unthinkingly, "…_gay_…and I was drunk last night, but I think I was trying to get him to admit it. And he did."

"Admit it?" Riku's eyes were sharp, but Axel didn't know why.

"Yeah. That he's gay."

"Anything else?"

_Huh?_ "Uh…I don't think so? What else is there?"

"Never mind," Riku shook his head. "So you had sex with him because you found out he likes men…just like that?"

"Well, no," Axel defended himself. "Hey, I didn't like, attack him or anything. I think…I _think_ he was the one who came on to me…but I get kinda confused at that part. But I remember he admitted it, and we…did it…"

"So, that's it?" Riku seemed to be making sure, again. "You found out he's gay, had sex with him, and that's it?"

Shuffling a napkin on the table, Axel frowned again. "Well, yeah…I guess we didn't really talk about it after or anything. I was kinda drunk…but I don't think he was…and then this morning we just…got up and went to work." He contemplated taking a drink of coffee, but suddenly didn't feel like it. "I just…I don't know what to say to him now. I can't remember everything, but…what if I screwed us up for good? What if we can't be friends anymore?"

Axel dared a glance up at Riku, and was surprised by the other man's expression, again. Not only did Riku look like he wasn't _quite_ listening, but it seemed like his thoughts – wherever they were – had found something sad to focus on. He looked…troubled. Pained, maybe.

But Axel's questioning gaze brought him out of it, blinking a few times. Unfortunately, he didn't seem as sympathetic as Axel had hoped he would be.

"I don't know what to tell you about that, Axel. I can't speak for him. You guys will have to talk about it, I guess." He sighed. "I can tell you though…it's going to have an impact. It _has_ to. Maybe you can treat it like some drunk accident…you're straight, after all. But for Roxas…let's just say it's a little trickier than that."

_Yeah…I figured. I can see why._ If Axel had slept with a woman he was best friends with…yeah. That would be hard for him to just brush off. Axel picked at the napkin. "I wouldn't though…I mean, I'm not. I don't think of it as just this drunk accident…" He paused, a little surprised at his own words. Riku's question almost echoed his own mind's reaction to what he'd said.

"Really? What _do_ you think of it, then?"

_That_ stumped Axel for a moment. He stared blankly at the napkin, then looked up at Riku, green eyes flickering uncertainly. The man was waiting, watching patiently and not rushing him. Axel glanced away. Stared at his coffee. Looked out the window. _Holy shit…what…what __**do**__ I think of this? Shouldn't I want to treat it as just an accident? It __**sounds**__ right, but…damn, I dunno. _"What I…uh…huh." _Goddamn, come on! It's a simple question! "Axel, how do you feel about the fact that you had sex with Roxas?" How should I know! I fucked my best friend! I don't know __**what**__ to think!_

"I guess…I'm confused. And…scared." _Shit fuck shit this is awkward saying this, ugh!_ "Like…scared of him being mad at me."

"Why would he be mad at you? Didn't you say he came on to you?" Riku's tone was so concerned but neutral…_ Damn him. Who made him so easy to talk to?_

"Yeah…but…but I hurt him…"

Aqua eyes widened slightly. "You _hurt_ him? How so?"

"Uh…" Axel's voice revolted on that one. He couldn't bring himself to say anything about the aftermath Roxas had suffered – probably still _was_ suffering – from their…encounter.

"I mean, did you hurt him _intentionally?_" Riku clarified.

"No!" Axel looked up quickly. "I didn't realize it would be like that at all, and I tried to…to, uh…help. Afterward. To help him…uh, feel better."

Relaxing slightly, Riku nodded. "OK. That's probably nothing to be afraid of then, Axel. Roxas knows about this stuff, and he realizes, I'm sure, that you didn't mean it. It's nothing to be worried about."

"Yeah…" Axel frowned. _ I know, but…_ "But…"

"But what?"

"What if he's mad that I…uh, don't remember everything?"

"He knew you were drunk, right?"

"Yeah, but I wasn't _wasted_…and I told him so at the time."

"But I'm sure he could still tell if you were somewhat drunk, Axel." Riku's voice was so rational…it was just the tiniest bit infuriating. Because Axel couldn't argue… "He won't be surprised by that, just explain it to him. You really don't need to feel scared about these things."

Annoyed, Axel blurted, "Fine, fine, I know, but what if I just feel nervous because I'm _confused_, and I don't like it?"

There was a pause before Riku exhaled slowly. "All right. That's…understandable. Not rational, but…natural, I guess. So let me go back to my original question and rephrase." Axel tried to relax, listening patiently as Riku continued. "Do you feel _disgusted_ by what happened? When you remember it or think about it, does it sicken you?"

He had no idea why, but the immediate response in Axel's mind was _Hell, no._ Still, he wanted to make sure…so he thought about it. Letting his eyes wander to the window again, his mind wandered too – to the memories from the night before. Memories he'd been avoiding, just to be safe. Memories of Roxas…looking so _different _from usual, yet so…_beautiful_. Really, it should have been weirder – seeing Roxas naked and aroused like that for the first time, seeing him sweating and flushing and yielding to the torrents of pleasure. Not right away…but after the first few minutes, it had been like watching butter melt in a hot pan – fast and sizzling. And then there was his voice, so familiar he could pick it out in a crowd since years ago, never failed to know it was Roxas over the phone…and never once had heard that voice making sounds like that. Combine that with the slippery feel of sweat and the rocking motion and the scent of Roxas' body and the feel of that erotic squeeze around his hard cock, so perfect, so arousing… Axel swallowed hard and made a shuddering effort to stop thinking about this before he had physical cause to regret it.

But…he couldn't quite turn away from one other memory. It was a strange twist in his chest that felt both wrong and right and a little painful – the memory of how some intangible part of his heart had felt…peaceful. And afterward, even in the midst of the shock – or was it right before that hit? – he'd felt almost…completed. Like something had clicked. Like being this way with his best friend was…perfect. And it felt wrong because he knew it still hadn't been even a week since his fiancée had ripped herself out of his heart. But it felt right, too…and he had no idea why. Couldn't explain it at all. It just…was. And it was so far from "disgust" that Axel was forced to go with his first-instinct answer after all.

"No…" He finally answered, slowly, drawing the word out as he pondered it, trying to understand the meaning of exactly what he was saying. "No…I didn't feel sickened. Or disgusted. I mean…I don't. I didn't and I don't. I dunno what I feel but…it's not that. The problem isn't that I had sex with Roxas." Blinking, Axel stopped there, trying to let those words sink in. He was startled at the truth behind them. _It…isn't? Really? Having had sex with a __**man**__…isn't bothering me? Fucking my best friend should be a problem! It should be a…a bad thing! And sex with a __**man**__, no matter __**who**__, should be a very, very big problem! So…isn't it? No…I mean…holy shit, why am I OK with this?_

Riku watched him, having listened patiently, but when Axel didn't continue, he exhaled and leaned forward slightly. "Well then. I think that puts a new light on things, wouldn't you say? I have to leave the rest to you and Roxas to figure out." Aqua eyes glanced up and out the window. "And speaking of. He's here."

Axel looked up quickly. He was. Roxas' car had just pulled up…and he had to go accept a ride home…back to Roxas' apartment. He swallowed. _Fuck, I don't know what to say to him…maybe somehow I can bring it up…but should I? No, I should wait…I need to think more…so I can…he's…_ Axel watched Roxas through the window as he got out of his car. He was a little slow straightening up. He didn't show it on his face, but his posture was stiff – uncomfortable. _Still sore_. Axel's spine prickled at the reminder.

_What in fuck's name do I __**do?**_

~o~


	6. You'll Hear It Call

**Author's Note: **All things in moderation, kids. And when you're legal. Alcohol is a beautiful thing, but it can fuck you up.

_This Public Service Announcement brought to you by Axel's Bad Decisions While Drunk, in partnership with Axel's Fucking Awful Hangovers. _(Both of which are totally dedicated to Barbara.)_  
_

* * *

Chapter 6 ~ You'll Hear It Call

Everyone knew Axel was impulsive. Even Axel couldn't argue that fact about his personality. He had always had a tendency to make snap decisions and not go over them too carefully until after the fact, if ever. His mother had been chiding him about it for years, though Roxas had taken over her job sometime during college, and even Tifa had started to put her two cents in lately. Roxas, however, had been the only one to do better than scold – he'd become Axel's balance years ago. The little blond guy was flexible enough to deal with Axel's whims, but he _thought_ about things. Roxas was probably the main reason Axel had actually started to improve and slow down a little over the past few years. His actions were almost always considered, measured, and justified. Carefully chosen. Very slowly, he'd begun to rub off on Axel…and Axel, in turn, had probably rubbed off a little on Roxas.

However, none of that would have been any help to the redhead now. The truth was, it wasn't planning or thought that kept him from doing something rash that week – it was lack of a known goal. Axel's impulses always followed after fairly simple, clear desires. He saw, he wanted, he went for it. This time, however, he just…didn't know what he wanted. Three days after his talk with Riku, he _still_ wasn't sure what he wanted, and therefore didn't know what to _do_.

In Axel's defense, there was a lot going on. Turned out that weddings, with all their months of planning, were designed to go off _correctly_. When the wedding didn't happen, all that planning ended up in a train-wreck heap that needed to be sorted out. Well-choreographed honeymoons that didn't occur turned into horribly _un_-choreographed messes of cancellations and hoops to jump through in order to get as many refunds as possible. Add to all this the difficulty of _moving_ while working a day job all week, and Axel spent more time on the phone over Tuesday night, Wednesday, and Thursday than he'd ever thought possible. Oh, and then there was that tiny call to a few "friends" – they didn't happen to know anything about Tifa's car's tires, _did they?_

They did, after a few threats, admit to some possible misconduct while drunk. Another fun task – forcing six hundred dollars for new tires out of a group of perpetually almost-broke bachelors. Axel had a very long, _very_ busy week, full of excuses not to talk to Roxas about what had happened.

Instead, for three days the two old friends acted very much like they had Tuesday morning – like nothing had changed. Like two college buddies, best friends, temporarily sharing their living space again, working their way through a rather messy week, waiting for the weekend.

Of course, in order for the act to _really_ work, Axel had to make sure he was never caught staring. That…just didn't fit with the "pal" code of friendship. So he was careful. When Roxas was around, Axel was very mindful of his own gaze. He only allowed his eyes to be drawn along after the other young man when Roxas had his back turned and couldn't see. At those times, the line of his back, the gentle angle of his hips, the back of his tousled blond head, the expanse of his shoulders, the nape of his neck, and yes, the seat of his pants – every feature was a magnet for Axel's lingering eyes. Sometimes he felt nervous when he watched Roxas, and the redhead's face would heat up and he'd have to throw himself back into whatever phone conversation he was likely having with some hotel or airline or florist, hoping that the blush would fade quickly. Sometimes he just felt…curious. What was going on in Roxas' head? And sometimes Axel felt like he couldn't be sure if he was seeing his best friend or someone…else. Someone he didn't know so well after all, someone who made him feel drawn to try to get closer, more familiar…someone…someone he might be interested in.

As Wednesday came and went and Thursday did the same and Friday finally decided to show up in turn, the number of times Axel felt like he was watching his familiar old friend rapidly dwindled away, until he almost forgot how to look at Roxas that way. More and more, the blond was becoming a mysterious unknown to Axel…yet it was so different from all the women who had ever looked that way to him. Green eyes had been drawn along before, by soft skin and soft curves and soft hair, but the allure had always been tempered with the underlying knowledge that _she might be a real bitch underneath, or flakey, or boring, or weird, or needy…_ The possibilities were endless with strangers. And Axel had never felt this pull while already knowing – from his own experience and for a _fact_ – that the other person was actually a fun, caring, faithful, considerate, helpful, no-nonsense, steady, gentle, funny, encouraging, wonderful human being. It…added a totally unique dimension to the feeling Axel had once called _attraction_.

Not that he was _attracted_ to Roxas. _That's impossible…probably._

So things stood when Friday rolled around, bringing a social demand to throw atop the stack of other life demands that had been building up on Axel all week. This one, however, was trying to help, for once.

"It's Sora's belated party for getting the internship, and I absolutely _have_ to be there. And I just thought, you know…how it's been such a long week… I really think you should come. It'll help you unwind, Ax."

The redhead listened on the drive home. Roxas was still driving him places because, as mentioned, his foolish friends were really perpetually broke, and the money for Tifa's tires was slow in arriving, and Tifa really did need a car, and Axel just didn't have the heart to make her get a rental and take his own back, especially when his and Roxas' schedules were so closely aligned at the moment anyway. So he gave in, loaned his car to his ex, and accepted rides until Sunday, the hoped-for day of getting his car back.

"Hasn't he been at that place for a couple months already?" Axel evaded the invitation for a moment. Yeah, some fun would be good…but he was so tired right now, he didn't want to think about going out…

"Well, yeah, but he got it at the last minute, and my aunt and uncle wanted to make the party a big deal, so it took a while to get all planned and get a booking at the hotel they wanted and all that, so it's tonight." Roxas checked his mirrors and turned onto his own street. They were nearly home.

"That's right…they're really rich, huh?"

"Well, they do all right. They just like to really go all out on things every once in a while. This is the first big party since last year, and they didn't have one at all the year before, so…you know."

Axel nodded, still undecided on what to do, and getting decidedly tired of making all these fucking _decisions_ lately. "I don't really know Sora, though…"

Roxas didn't let Axel use such a halfhearted side-step. "Oh, whatever. Like he'd be anything less than thrilled about having you there. He'd probably be overjoyed at the chance to do something to cheer you up. He was there too, you know."

The wedding had been…a big one. Tifa's preference. Axel was beginning to think that if there was ever a "next time" on that, he'd have to demand a small, private ceremony. That way if he got left standing at the altar, at least half the town wouldn't be there to witness it.

Pulling in to the apartment, Roxas continued, "Anyway, I'd feel like shit if I left you alone and went. Besides, you've drunk all my booze, and there will be an open bar at the party." That, at least, was news worth hearing to Axel. Not that he was looking to get wasted again – not anymore, he was done with that _absolutely terrible_ method of trying to cope and instead screwing up his life worse. Still…an open bar just meant a fun party…and what was "fun" like, again?

"All right, I'll go." Axel gave in. "When are we leaving?"

Roxas' voice held a small smile. "As soon as we're ready, I guess. It'll take us a little while to get there…but we have time to shower and get dressed. Shouldn't need to eat, there will be food there."

As they headed up to the apartment to do just that, Axel felt his spirits lifting a little at the thought of a fun evening, for once, rather than another evening stuck on his cell phone, arguing with receptionists or listening to hold music or navigating endless recorded menus. _Maybe I've just been too stressed…maybe I just need to relax a bit, and everything else will clear up a little…_

…_Shit._ Roxas was ahead of Axel on the stairs, and the redhead just couldn't help where his eyes went. Especially not with the way those slacks fit…or the way the young man's concealed body flexed with the effort of climbing the stairs. It had Axel's face flaming in seconds…but he couldn't look away. _Damn it_.

Maybe getting out among a whole bunch of _other people_ was actually a fantastically good idea, after all.

~o~

Cleaned up and dressed for a party, Axel and Roxas were literally _pounced_ on by a far-too-happy brunet – their host. To say that Sora was happy to see them would be a massive understatement. Axel was a little blown away by the tiny guy, bustled in, welcomed, and very quickly urged toward the buffet and most especially the bar. Sora even ordered him a Long Island iced tea, bubbling happily to both him and Roxas about how he was _so_ glad to see them…and then Axel got distracted. Some girls came up – the place was pretty crowded – and he'd met one of them somewhere before, so they all started talking to him, and before he knew it, he looked around and Sora had disappeared, along with Roxas. Axel frowned, before clearing his expression so as not to scare the girls. Sora taking off was fine…he kinda wished Roxas had stuck around though…

_No, no, no. Wrong. __**Not**__ what we're here for. Other people…that's right._ Besides, Roxas was a big boy, and so was Axel. No need to stick together.

"Ohhh, I _love_ Lexuses, they are _so_ hot, I'll have to come by sometime, you'll let me test drive one, won't you? Not that I can afford one…" The girls laughed.

Axel forced a smile. _Right. Here to see other people. Have fun. So, uh…what part of "fun" involved cackling harpies, again?_

"Here, here! You have to try this, it's _so_ good!" His empty glass was taken away and another fruity, girly drink shoved into Axel's hands. _Oh right. The free booze part._ Not that Axel had ever been much of one for these girly drinks, but that tea thing hadn't been bad…

The next hours – or was it that long? – passed in a rapidly-spinning jumble. Girls, drinks, music, and an occasional glimpse of someone he knew. Axel even saw Roxas a few times. Once he was on the sidelines, talking quietly to Sora, a couple times he was drinking or talking to someone else…even Riku, once. But Axel never had an excuse to go interrupt, and his own company was constant. _Hell, I forgot how much fun being single can be._ It had been a while since Axel had been to parties while "available." Even if they were cackling harpies, it _was_ kinda…fun.

He was most definitely drunk by the time he jumped in the hot tub fully dressed. Stupid drunk, but not shitfaced – not drunk enough to miss the way little party dresses clung to curvy female bodies when half a dozen giggling, screaming girls followed him. Not too drunk to enjoy the scenery…but maybe too drunk after all. Because he probably should have been picking a favorite and trying to cop a feel…but really, he just felt a little tired for that. His hands didn't have that restless itch. So maybe he was drunker than he thought.

The hot tub was by the pool, and both were emptying rather quickly all of a sudden. The girls were getting up and trying to drag him along, saying something about _fireworks outside, come onnnn_. But Axel felt lazy. Sleepy. All funned out. So he just grinned and waved them off, and off they went, and Axel went back to his latest colorful concoction, letting the steaming hot water soothe him and one simply _lovely_ water jet pound right into his stiff, tired back, and generally paying no attention to the sudden quiet in the large cement room. He just…lay his head back and relaxed, and it felt so damn wonderful, he shut his eyes and thought, _If I fall asleep and drown here…that would be awesome._

A small giggle made him open his eyes, however, and look up. Roxas was standing there, on the edge of the tub, grinning at him over some blue drink that made his eyes look darker, while the light off the water made them sparkle and shine…or maybe that was the alcohol.

"What'n hell are you doing, Ax? You got your clothes all wet!" Roxas teetered a little as he spoke. He looked about as silly-drunk as Axel felt.

"Ah, fuck the clothes," he grinned lazily. "This feels too fucking nice to worry about clothes. You should try it." He grinned slyly back at the other young man, not really thinking about why he was grinning or what he was saying, just…admiring the pinkish coloring to Roxas' face.

The blond giggled again. "Nuh uh. I just came 'cause Sora said you were in here, missing the fireworks, and I needed to go make sure you didn't drown."

Axel wasn't really listening. "Aww, that's no reason to stand there all _dry_ though! You said we should come here to _relax_, so come on in here and _relax_ already!"

It took about thirty seconds of slurred nagging – "Come onnnn!" – and slurred refusal – "Noooo!" – before Roxas gave in with a huff and a grin and, "Oh, fine then!" Crouching, the blond set his drink on the side of the tub and pulled off his shoes, dropping his cell phone into one of them, then stepped in. He was laughing and unsteady – "Ohhh, it feels weird with jeans on!" And Axel was chuckling too, and agreeing even though he'd ceased to notice the feeling already, because he wasn't paying too much attention to words. He was mainly aware of how Roxas was smiling and biting his lip a little and splashing awkwardly as he tried to sit down, his white button-down shirt instantly getting soaked and clinging to his slender chest. Which was really just as good as no shirt at all…if not better. And Axel was far too drunk to question or care about where he was staring.

"Yanno," he drawled lazily as Roxas reached for his drink again, "I'm glad we came. Sora has good parties."

The blond smirked at him around the straw. "You just like the hot tub. And probably the free booze."

"Both do agree with me except'nally well, I admit," Axel bobbed his head in a tipsy nod.

"What about all those girls?" Roxas asked, the slight tension in his voice getting lost on Axel. "Meet any you liked?"

"Eh," Axel shrugged dismissively. "A few I wouldn't mind fucking, if I could tape their mouths shut first…and prob'ly forever after. Screechin' hags." The redhead made a face, shuddering slightly.

Roxas laughed, relaxing again and teasing, "Tape their mouths shut, Ax? Didn't know you had kinks like that."

As if making a pronouncement, Axel pointed one finger toward the ceiling, an aloof expression taking over his face. "I will try anything at least once. I will try anything sexual at least twice."

Snorting, Roxas shot back, "If any of those girls would let you _near_ them again after you taped their mouth shut."

Rolling his eyes, Axel smirked back, "Oh, they would. I'm just too goddamn irresistible."

Smiling and shaking his head, Roxas replied, "Oh, fuck you, Ax."

The redhead's answering smile was broad and dreamy, and his mind was distinctly absent. "Mmm…don't mind if you do." He was paying the most attention, at the moment, to the way the hot, humid air had dampened the ends of blond spikes, making a few of them curl delicately around the lobe of an ear…or there was the way two spots of color showed through almost-sheer white fabric, and the resulting itch in his fingers, wanting to tug open a few buttons and slip the halves of Roxas' shirt open a bit…

But Roxas had stilled, turning away from him and shrinking inward a bit, his voice wavering all of a sudden – forced out past the unhappiness. "Y…yeah right." A choked, non-laugh. "Quit joking, Ax."

A flash of drunk irritation flickered in Axel's eyes. "M'_not_ joking. I _don't_ mind. You're hot." He was speaking stubbornly, almost pouting the words, some vague corner of his mind getting the slightest tickle of a thought that maybe he'd just said something worth waking up and taking notice of. But his mind was slow to react. Because Roxas was blushing. Really, dark-pink, honestly _blushing_.

"S-stupid…"

The light, unsteady feeling in his head carried a bubbly lift into Axel's stomach, a wide grin spreading effortlessly over his face. "Awww, you bein' _shy_, Rox?" He chuckled, setting down his drink and lazily pushing off from the seat, floating slowly closer and peering at his friend's red face. "You _are!_ All shy and blushing, how cute! You're shyyyyy…"

Legs unsteady under even the small amount of weight the water wasn't supporting, Axel stumbled slightly and nearly went under. Roxas glanced over suddenly, amusement flickering in his eyes and tugging at the corners of his lips, but uncertainty and unhappiness still crinkling his brow. "And you're an ass. An _aaaaaasssss_." His voice dropped from taunting to a dark mumble. "Playing with me like that…such an ass…"

Hearing him, Axel tried to slip forward a little…and overshot his goal, ending up stumbling through the water again and almost falling on top of the seated blond. He braced himself with his arms on the edge of the tub on either side of Roxas, one knee on the seat beside him, bodies suddenly _so so close_…but Axel didn't care. He just caught himself and answered at once, mumbling low, lost in suddenly-huge blue eyes, "M'not playing. I told you. I'm…" Shifting, he let the last word fall, barely-audible, right by those teasing blond curls he'd just been admiring…right in Roxas' ear, "…_serious._"

By the time the frozen blond had been able to struggle a breath into his lungs and gasp a reply, Axel had already lowered his head, lips and tongue softly seeking little beads of water on the side of Roxas' neck, pressing over them, then lapping them up slowly… "Y-you…! _Nnnh!_ Do you even know what you…you're saying?"

The truth was…not really. Axel hadn't kept track of the conversation at all. But the taste of Roxas' skin under the beads of pool water was reminding him of something…like the sight of them dripping there had reminded him, like the flush to Roxas' skin had reminded him… And all the reminders were like magnets hanging in front of his eyes, drawing him after the root memory – a pleasure so strong in his mind at this moment that it was irresistible, delicious. Something he wanted…very, very much. Something he was following after instinctively, without thinking.

And without thinking, the automatic answer was a mumbled, "Yeah. Of course…" Then his tongue slipped up again, over and behind that soft lobe, tugging it forward between his teeth as Axel shifted to get closer, more settled…and as heat spread inside him, deeper than the hot water could warm him. Much deeper.

Especially when he heard the soft, "_Nnh…no…_" even as he felt Roxas relaxing, letting his head fall back slightly…accepting…

_Hot._

Before he even thought about it, Axel's mouth had already found Roxas', closing over wet lips and silencing the weak sounds of protest. It only took a moment to overpower the blond's flimsy resistance – Roxas was soon responding to the kiss. Haltingly at first, a noticeable tremble to the hands that clutched the front of his shirt…yet after a few forceful, pleasuring caresses, Axel was rewarded with a soft moan and a far less uncertain response to his kiss.

That little, thin sound of submission was the most arousing thing Axel could ever remember hearing. Not that he was carefully going back over his other experiences at the moment. His mind was too occupied by _Roxas, Roxas_, by the thrill of kissing him, their tongues sliding together as the heat climbed rapidly and Roxas pulled him closer and _God, these fucking pants hurt like hell…_

It wasn't easy to fumble a fly open and make out while drunk at the same time, and somehow, submerging that fly in a hot tub and then adding a lot of _tightness_ combined with the already near-impossible clinginess of wet fabric…wasn't a helpful combination. Axel whimpered in frustration – not a terribly manly sound, unfortunately – as his second hand hurried to help his first. The sound and the shift of Axel's body seemed to catch Roxas' attention – the blond opened his eyes and noticed what Axel was doing…or failing to do. Unfocused blue eyes watched for a moment, uncomprehending, before they suddenly cleared and widened, glancing up at Axel's face nervously. Fearfully, even…with deep doubt and worry, and a lingering haze of lust that was faint but unmistakable…

"Uh…Ax…" Roxas hiccuped, licked his lips, and made an effort to speak with a little more clarity, "Are we, um, gonna…"

"Dunno." The redhead cut him off, leaning in to roughly kiss Roxas again. "Jus' help me outta these fucking pants."

Assuming cooperation, Axel left it up to Roxas and moved his mouth down over the blond's neck, letting his hands pluck at shirt buttons instead, fumbling the garment open little by little. After a pause, he felt an uncertain touch at the front of his jeans. Instinctively, he pressed his hips forward into the touch, sucking hard on Roxas' throat while his hands slipped into the other young man's shirt. Some vague corner of his mind noted how weird it was to not feel rounded softness here, but his hands didn't seem to care. His hands had found exactly what they wanted, and were groping and exploring the firm chest avidly, rubbing and caressing the area and feeling the responding shiver race through Roxas' frame.

The hands on his pants didn't pull back. Instead, they hesitated, then pressed more firmly against his crotch, tracing the shape of his erection under the fabric, sending a jolt of perfect bliss through Axel's body. He bit down on the juncture of Roxas' neck and shoulder lightly, and nearly growled through his grin when he felt those hands begin to seek the button and zipper. They were fumbling quickly now, hesitation gone, becoming surprisingly skillful and decisive. Before he was done getting Roxas' shirt unbuttoned, those hands were carefully freeing his cock from soaked denim…

_Oh shit…oh Jesus, yessss…_ Without the nasty constraint of jeans, Axel felt _much_ better. The hot water surrounded his cock, warm and wet, like being inside someone… Only this was maybe better, because even his _balls_ were encased in the heat, and it was amazing. All he needed was the pressure…the _tightness_ of being inside someone. Preferably the _really tight_ tightness he hadn't known _existed _until just recently…

The tentative stroke of Roxas' fingertips and the hesitant squeeze that followed were a step in the right direction, but fell teasingly short of what he wanted. He pushed his hips forward again, trying to encourage a stronger grip, pressure, _motion_…and let his mouth wander lower. He didn't really expect much reaction when his lips closed over one of Roxas' nipples – it was just an old habit, and even if the melons weren't there, the raisins were familiar, so he went for those. The gasp of pleasure and jolt of Roxas' body pleasantly surprised him…and splashed hot water in his face. He'd been barely above the surface of the water as it was – sudden motion down here had predictable results.

Axel jerked his head back and spluttered a little, shaking the water from his eyes as Roxas hiccuped again. "S-sorry…" But he didn't get a chance to say anything else – Axel's hands made short work of the final two buttons and moved down at once, pressing against Roxas' crotch. An exploring caress made it crystal clear that Roxas was as hard as Axel – the aroused moan from the blond wasn't needed to help him see that, but it _was_ welcome. Axel felt a wolfish grin stretching his lips – for some reason, his ego seemed massively pleased to see that he had this much of an effect on Roxas. His ego was also curious – he hadn't even been trying too hard yet! What if he…

He had to pull back and look down to try to see his hands under the water – it was hopeless unless he could see what he was doing. Fortunately, the angle and visibility were better, and Axel was able to manage Roxas' button and zipper when he'd failed with his own. And then he was pulling Roxas' erect length from his pants, smirking and leaning forward as the blond arched up, slightly out of the water…perfect for latching onto those nipples again, one at a time, and seeing just how much Roxas actually _felt_ there.

"Haa! A-Ax…nn!" He let his hand move in a slow stroke – the way he did to himself, when it came to that – and couldn't help a low moan of approval as the hands holding him mimicked the motion. It was good…_sinfully_ good, good enough that he didn't think too much about the weirdness of having two cocks involved in this, or the _very_ unfamiliar feeling of another man's erection in his hand… Those thoughts weren't important. Not compared to the hot water and the squeezing pressure and the slight echo of moaning and panting and the light playing over silky-smooth, dripping-wet skin. _Roxas_. Not his old college pal, but still Roxas. A new Roxas, a fascinating one. A person he wanted more of when they were already skin-to-skin, a person he wanted to explore, a person who made his head spin with pleasure and arousal and need…

The weirded-out corner of his mind finally seemed to give up. It shrugged everything off with a "You're drunk," and just walked off…leaving the rest of him here, on fire, going mad with the pleasuring strokes of hands not his own squeezing his cock.

Pressing closer, lips sought lips again…and again and again, messily, passionately, bodies crushed against each other but trying to leave room for hands to move…until Axel felt himself bump against something he was fairly sure was Roxas' erection because his hands were already there… _Oh, well that would be easier actually, wouldn't it?_ Trying the idea out, Axel closed the remaining distance between their hips, guiding them together and moving his grasp to enclose both erections, pressing his cock against Roxas' and…and positively _trembling_ at how arousing that was. It wasn't even a feeling that different from hands – a little harder and hotter maybe, but in a hot tub it was hard to tell – but _knowing_ how they were touching, _knowing_ how intimate this contact was…that was what drove him crazy.

Stroking wasn't enough anymore. Axel shifted to bring his body as close to Roxas' as possible – he planted his knees on either side of Roxas' thighs on the hot tub seat, getting as much stability as he could – then pushed his hips forward, erection rubbing against Roxas' in a hard thrust that felt like…_ Holy __**shit**__, yeah…yes…God! _ Axel moaned, shuddering with pleasure as Roxas gasped and writhed a little beneath him and he did it again, rougher, splashing the hot water around them. Then a few more times, jerking his hips forward hard…then slowing a little, testing to see if long, slow, rocking thrusts felt good too…

"_Ahhhhnnngh, Ax…Axel!_ Sh-shit…" Roxas' voice was muffled in Axel's mouth, the vibrations of his moaning warming Axel's lips and tongue with humming pleasure, his curious ego more than a little delighted by the sight of the blond. He was melted, utterly unresisting, body yielded completely, eyes barely open to show deep blue mist, blind with lust. He was trying to help give them both more friction, more pressure – one hand had joined Axel's around their cocks – but at the same time he was trying to pull the redhead closer, plaster their bodies together – his other hand was clutching at a hip, ribs, Axel's back…pulling hard and almost making the man lose balance. Axel had to brace himself on the edge of the tub again, watching Roxas through slitted green eyes as he thrust again and again, almost able to imagine himself _inside, inside Roxas_ as the blond stammered for coherent speech and failed. All Roxas seemed able to manage when his wet lips parted were wordless sounds that worked better for Axel than any dirty line any porno actress had ever moaned. _Fuck_, he could almost come just _listening_ to Roxas right now…

Axel let himself kiss Roxas again, and promptly forgot to stop. Roxas' hips were lifting up to meet his, thrusting back, the water sloshing around them even more, hitting his chest though Axel was barely aware of that. Roxas was kissing him back again, wildly, desperately, matching his thrusts perfectly…making Axel's groin ache and throb with tightness, the slight tremor starting just before the release…

One of them came just seconds ahead of the other, but afterward Axel could never remember who was first. He just remembered the throbbing hot feeling of orgasm, his body releasing into the water as Roxas' did the same, both of them crying out, pleasured voices echoing as the world spun and the body pressed to his own was so hot, so _hot, _and so _right_…

It was lucky that Axel didn't go slipping underwater when his body finally relaxed, finished. He could have drowned, and now he _really_ wouldn't have given a shit. The redhead just felt too damn good to care. But he at least managed to fall sideways, letting the water slow him as he sank onto the seat beside Roxas, the hand that had been braced on the tub edge now resting over thin shoulders. Roxas' arm went from clutching his back to looping limply around his hips as they just relaxed, the hot water swirling around them, their bodies feeling light, buzzing with Axel's favorite feeling in the world – the post-orgasm high.

There was really no reason on the planet that Axel should not have been so completely satisfied in that moment that he could last at least a week without getting horny again. In fact, for a few minutes – or however long it was, he wasn't sure – Axel _did_ feel like that. Sated. Totally, perfectly satisfied. Sitting there with Roxas, _not thinking about stupid worries_, just enjoying the feel of water and drunkenness and afterglow and slow-motion memories that filtered through his brain and made him just that much happier…he grinned lazily, relaxed.

But one memory came along and changed that.

_The first time…being inside him…the tight, tight feeling inside him…and that other feeling…the one afterward that felt like…being whole. Like more than satisfied, like…complete. That feeling was so…_

That memory. That was what was probably to blame. Because now Axel wanted more. He wanted _that_ again. He still felt good – _God, so good_ – but a little prickle was back…a prickle that would soon be an itch. And Axel glanced slowly, carefully over, watching Roxas breathe with his eyes closed, his skin so flushed, his body so unguarded, so _vulnerable_…

And Axel's breathing hitched a little, just from the sight.

_They weren't done yet._

~o~


	7. I Don't Care For Any Casanova Thing

**Author's Note:** Yup, they still at it. Still for Barbara. See y'all next week! :3

* * *

Chapter 7 ~ I Don't Care For Any Casanova Thing

The echoing sounds of voices in the pool room as people returned from the fireworks brought Roxas out of his haze with a snap. Drunken terror gripped him as he sat up, quickly trying to fix his clothing and get back into his pants, struggling not to appear suspicious. Not that he could exactly _see_ who it was, his vision was so blurry and unsteady from the alcohol, but Roxas could hear several people whom he was fairly certain didn't need to be guessing what had just happened in here.

Fortunately, Axel was also pulling himself together, aware of the guests, but not quite as rapidly as Roxas. His manner was lazy…almost contemplative. But Roxas wasn't going to bother about Axel until he'd gotten his shirt buttoned up.

"How much do you think they charge a night at this place?" The thoughtful tone and unexpected words registered, but only as _Axel saying something weird and random._ Roxas didn't see the point right away.

"What? Uh, I dunno." He lowered his voice to a whisper, "Forget that. You dressed?"

"Yeah…" Axel lazily drawled…then Roxas felt a strong grip around his arm, tugging and sending the world spinning around him again. "C'mere."

"C'mere _where?"_ The blond mumbled in confusion as Axel dragged him up and out of the water. Voices were calling toward them, laughing, stuff about _Oh my God, look at them, what did you guys __**do?**_ But Roxas didn't want to answer any questions about what he'd just _done_ with Axel…and anyway, he had to think about keeping his legs under him…

Which didn't work. With a splatter and splash, Roxas went down to his hands and knees, Axel stumbling next to him and barely keeping his feet – only by supporting himself on Roxas' back. _Holy shit, what happened to the __**gravity **__in here?_ Roxas felt like he weighed about a thousand pounds. His legs were boneless, his body like lead, and his clothes were streaming water, making them feel like he was wearing stone. And, of course, he was still too drunk to compensate quickly.

More voices were laughing at them, and then Roxas heard Axel crack up as well, answering with words he didn't understand because…because Axel's laugh…

He didn't hear anything else. Never had, when his best friend laughed like that.

They were leaving the pool room before Roxas realized he was laughing too – just as drunkenly and stupidly, both of them still tripping and struggling to walk, voices around them remarking with amusement that they were _so shitfaced, oh my God…_ Roxas was just beginning to wonder how they were going to get home – they could call a cab, but he suspected most cabbies wouldn't let them in when they were this drenched – when Axel pulled him away from the front door, where Roxas had automatically headed. Instead, they were suddenly stopped in front of the hotel's front desk, and Axel was apologizing and laughing and talking to this receptionist girl who was trying to look unimpressed but whose eyes were not really concealing a _very_ interested and amused glint…Roxas glared at her silently, not at all aware of his own expression. Axel pulled out his waterlogged wallet and soaked credit card, wiping the plastic on his drenched shirt and handing it over to the girl who had to dry it off with tissues before she could swipe it. Through all this, Roxas' attention was mostly focused on the interaction between the strange woman and Axel, and his brain didn't begin to process the meaning of the transaction until Axel was accepting back his card and a key and dragging Roxas toward an elevator. _Then_ Roxas finally managed to wonder…

"Uh…Ax, where we goin?"

The redhead held the card key up, green eyes examining it briefly. "Room 411, I believe."

Roxas couldn't answer right away – he was temporarily occupied with keeping his feet under him while keeping up with Axel's much longer strides as the man dragged him along. When they finally stopped – in the elevator, some distant part of his mind noted – Roxas was able to ask, "But…_why_ are we going to Room 411?"

The door shut, and Roxas stopped breathing – Axel was practically on top of him, hips pressing his hips, rubbing…making Roxas' body shudder and writhe instantly. He was still so sensitive – his wet jeans were more than a little uncomfortable to walk in – and the sudden pressure was almost painful…yet _so_ good. He felt swollen still, and he could feel Axel, pressed against him, almost like the fabric wasn't there. His hips jerked forward on their own, and before Roxas had a chance to collect himself, a hand was pulling his chin upward…Axel's face so close…

"Cuz I'm pretty sure the people in 410 aren't gonna share their room with us. Stingy bastards." He was grinning that sharp, brilliant grin…but green eyes were dark and barely open, and then Roxas felt himself kissed. Hard.

He lost track of things after that for a while. His body answered Axel's advances without his permission…not that his muddled mind was in any condition to decide "yes" or "no." He couldn't think until Axel pulled away, dragging him out of the elevator again and down a hall, Roxas struggling to limp fast enough to follow. It hurt – he was half hard again already, his body screaming for Axel, for the closeness, the heat…

_What are you doing?_ The cold, disconnected thought drifted through his mind, dampening the lustful, warm haze in his body and piercing the drunken spinning in his head. _What do you think you're doing?_

Mind waking up slightly at the prompting, Roxas tried to think. He was…he was going to a hotel room with Axel. His body shivered at the thought, but his mind paused. Why was he going to a hotel room with Axel? Why was Axel _taking_ him to a hotel room? What was he thinking? What were they going to do? Was it…would they do more things like…like in the hot tub? But…

_He's not…he…he likes women. He…he can't possibly be over Tifa yet. Why is he doing this to me?_ A miserable twist started tightening in Roxas' stomach. _He doesn't…he __**can't**__ feel anything for me. Is he just…horny?_ The feeling that he was being used made Roxas suddenly nauseous. Sickened, hurt…_used_. By his best friend. And it hurt because he hadn't thought Axel was like that. He'd never known Axel to be so cruel to others…maybe he'd had his share of random flings, but Roxas had never seen him knowingly trample on a girl's feelings. Were his feelings…not as important? Because he wasn't a girl…maybe Axel didn't feel like he needed to worry about Roxas' feelings? But they were _friends_, weren't they? Or they _had_ been.

Maybe…maybe it was because they weren't friends anymore. Maybe Axel had been disgusted by him after all. He could be just…using Roxas as a replacement until he found a new girl. And then he'd throw Roxas away…his little, nasty, gay ex-friend.

_He'll never love me…like I love him._

He wanted to cry. He was drunk and lost and miserable, with no strength to pull back as Axel dragged him into Room 411. He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, trying to make it go away. He did _not_ want to break down sobbing in front of Axel – drunk or sober, friend or not. After years of hiding – even now, with his secrets all revealed – he couldn't stop. It was just too hard to let Axel see these feelings…especially if he really didn't care about them. It was easier to hide.

As he'd always done. Hidden, and taken what he could get. Friendship, company, the occasional stolen moment of weakness when Axel was unaware…the joy of just knowing him, being around him, or the thrill of holding that privileged place as his best friend. Of being asked to be his best man. And now…these moments of passion, too. Even if they meant nothing to Axel and it would all be over too soon, as soon as the redhead moved on…Roxas took what he could get. He couldn't refuse it, anyway. Not when it was Axel.

_I'm weak…pathetic…_ He _was_ weak. Roxas knew. He knew his own weakness very well. _Axel_. That was why he'd guarded his secret so carefully – because he'd always known this would happen. Not…he hadn't known that Axel would do this, but he'd known that, if the man _did _do anything, he would crumble, just like this. Miserable and helpless and _weak_.

The door shut and the lock clicked, and Roxas found himself released and looking around unsteadily, clearer-minded for the moment, but still dizzy drunk. Axel was coming into the room after him…unbuttoning and peeling off his own shirt. _Skin…_

"Wh…what're you doin…" _Weak, weak, don't look…_ Too late. Roxas couldn't help staring at every inch of Axel's upper body – beautiful chest, flat stomach, corded arms, little furring line of red disappearing into jeans… _Shit…_ Add misery to lust, and then pour the lust back into the misery – recipe for confusion.

"We hafta get dried off, Roxas." He couldn't bring his eyes up to Axel's face, but Roxas could _hear_ the smirk in that familiar voice. "Gotta get out of these clothes an' give 'em a chance to dry a bit, ya know?" Long fingers moved down, slowly flipping his fly open…

Blue eyes watched, morbidly fascinated as Axel peeled the wet jeans off, too. His boxers clung like wet tissues to hips and thighs and groin…and then the redhead rid himself of that sticking piece of fabric too.

Roxas turned away fast, facing the opposite side of the room. His pants were straining again, painfully tight – he was erect. Because he'd seen Axel, and the redhead was half hard again, and the sight…it was too arousing. He'd never once allowed his eyes to stray when they were roommates – hadn't wanted to know what Axel's cock looked like. Smart thinking. Because, now that he knew, he could imagine it any moment of the day. And now that he knew the feeling – the hot, hard, _full_ feeling of Axel inside his body – just the sight of that member made him helpless with desire.

Hands sliding over his shoulders surprised him – he hadn't heard Axel approach. But all at once the man was there, his scent mingled with chlorine wetness hovering around Roxas, hand slipping down over his clavicles and tugging at buttons… "C'mon, you too. Don't wanna catch a cold, do ya?"

The blond shivered, struggling for a response but unable to think of anything besides _Axel naked, Axel close, Axel hard…oh God…_ His hands made a flimsy attempt to push Axel's away, to free himself…but arms just wrapped more tightly around him, fingers working at his shirt faster. When it was open, the redhead allowed one moment to slowly peel the shirt off – warmer hands running sensually down Roxas' arms the whole way – and then he was trapped from behind again as those hands moved down to his pants.

Axel's voice was breathy and right in his ear as the man unzipped Roxas and pushed wet denim down. "Well, well…what's this, huh? Kinda excited about drying off, aren't ya, Rox?"

The low chuckle made him shiver, and the fingers that brushed over his length made him moan faintly. Then they moved to slide down his hips, pushing away the pants, undressing him slowly and completely. And Roxas felt paralyzed by the touch. He was yearning for more, dying to throw himself into it, into everything Axel wanted to do…yet the misery was still there, sobbing for him to make Axel stop, push him away, _don't let him do this to me_… Roxas was torn between the two impulses, unable to decide. Unable to protest as Axel guided his legs, lifting them one at a time and removing the last of his clothing.

Then warmth. Caresses too warm to believe when Axel should have been as chilled as he was. Hands and arms stroking back up his legs, winding around him and pulling him against an oh-so-warm chest, and… _Oh my God…_

"I'm kinda excited about it too. Getting all…dry…I mean." Axel was…_purring_. And something hot and hard was pressing against Roxas' ass, rubbing slowly between the cheeks. A hot tongue slipped over the shell of his ear, then slowly moved inward.

"Don't…st-stop…" Roxas could barely force his voice out. He couldn't bring himself to physically resist at all. The miserable, common-sense voice was so much weaker than it should have been. Massive quantities of alcohol were siding happily with the building, aching _desire_ overpowering him.

"Oh, don't worry," Axel chuckled against Roxas' ear. "I won't."

_What? Oh wait…no! That's not…_ "Woah!" Roxas was lifted off his feet.

…And then he was set back on them again, next to the bed. He staggered a little as Axel turned and threw the covers back, before smirking at him again, "Let's get dried off then."

The man was naked and aroused and inches away, grinning – he was everything Roxas had ever dreamed of and so much more. He was beautiful. And even if he was being inhumanly cruel, he was smiling and acting so _natural_ – well, naturally drunk anyway – and he was aroused…aroused for _Roxas_, right? That had to mean _something_…didn't it?

But Roxas didn't get a chance to agonize over those thoughts any longer. Axel had only hesitated a moment before closing the small space between them again. Without warning, he grabbed Roxas into his arms and tumbled them both into bed.

The next moment, Roxas was surrounded by warm skin and cool sheets and Axel's scent and clean linen, and the next moment after that, his mouth was filled with Axel's taste and the lingering flavor of his last drink and alcohol and _desire_, and he was pinned. He was in a bed, underneath Axel, making out with an intensity so sudden it blew his mind, and a firm stomach was pressing down against his erection, making his body throb with need. So much _need_ for _more_…

Before he realized what he was doing, Roxas had both hands clutching in long, red hair, both legs wrapped around narrow hips, and Axel's hands all over his body. He was forgetting why this hurt – losing sight of that place in his heart that was in agony over this. It was hot. So hot, and he was sweating already – so was Axel – and it was easy to pretend. Easy to imagine that words had been said, sweet words…words that made this OK. When Axel's hands moved to his ass to grope and caress and his kisses moved over Roxas' neck and body…it was easy to imagine there was love in those touches. After all, there was love and worship and passionate desire in every touch _Roxas_ gave, and in his every surrender to the man holding him – enough love for both of them.

_Right?_

…_Good enough._

It _had_ to be good enough. Because this was going to happen either way. Axel wasn't backing down, and Roxas didn't want to try to stop him, not even if it killed him later. He didn't care anymore.

Axel's fingers were probing deeper, pushing at the ring of Roxas' entrance. The blond keened and arched desperately, the teasing touch driving him crazy. Axel lifted his head from where he'd been suckling at Roxas' nipple and mumbled, "Shit, how's anybody get in there?" A pause, and more experimental pushing and probing. Then, "Fuck that, how'd _I_ get in there?" Roxas couldn't answer. Axel's fingers were just barely inside him and more or less stuck, and the blond was seconds away from total madness if he didn't get _more…now._

The touch was removed. Roxas groaned deeply in protest.

Lips on his tried to get his attention again. "Rox." A deep kiss invading his mouth. "Hey, Roxas." A tongue tracing over his parted lips. "Hey, pay attention. I don't wanna hurt you this time." A quick, sucking kiss; a moment of shared breath. "How the fuck're guys s'posed to do this?"

The words were heard, but they weren't registering. The kisses were too distracting. Roxas couldn't think…until two knuckles suddenly pinched his nose, tugging and making his eyes pop open to stare straight into impatient green.

"Hey! Listenin' yet?" Blue eyes blinked in surprise as Axel released his nose. "OK." The man's voice lowered to a sultry purr at once. "Roxas…I wanna be inside you. I'm gonna enter you, understand? So…is there any way I can do that without hurting you?"

Roxas' whole body tightened at those words, quivering with excitement and lust. His voice could barely manage a weak gasp to answer, "We need…lube."

Axel's face fell, frustrated. "Lube?"

_Oh right, we don't have that…_ "Or um…lotion or something."

"Lotion…right. Hang on." To Roxas' absolute misery, the redhead got up, a look of concentration on his face as he stumbled out of the bed, eyes searching the room. Roxas was left lying there, feeling cold even between hot blankets, watching his naked best friend stagger around the room, finally disappearing into the bathroom before returning with a little hotel sample bottle of lotion.

Then he was back, crawling into bed and covering Roxas again, embracing him, kissing him deeply…and Roxas welcomed him back passionately.

Until Axel broke away, evidently needing his eyes for whatever he'd been trying to do…_Oh right, the lotion…_ "God fucking damn it, open! …There. Aw shit, this is gonna be such a pain…" The redhead complained at the bottle bitterly. Shaking it and crushing the plastic in one hand, he struggled to get the lotion out. "This is gonna be enough right? This is all we need?"

Blushing, Roxas tried to explain. "Um…I think. As long as you prepare enough…"

Blank green eyes glanced at him. "Do what now?"

Even redder, Roxas mumbled, "You have to…to stretch it. Then it should be OK."

"Stretch it?" Axel blinked. "It _stretches?_" Then he paused, frowning thoughtfully. "Oh yeah, I guess it would have to, huh?" Roxas was torn between blushing from his ears to his toes or laughing at Axel. He did both – his laugh, however, was unfortunately more of a drunk giggle.

Axel smirked at him, green eyes glinting. "Yeah OK, shuddup. So I just stretch you…like with fingers, right?" Roxas nodded, fighting the urge to hide his face with his hands in embarrassment. _Not_ fighting the _stronger_ urge to stare at the naked body of the man bridged over him, particularly the long, thick erection that was definitely going to hurt, even with preparation. Not that Roxas minded…at _all_…

Axel got his confirmation and turned back to what he was doing – spreading the lotion he'd extracted so far over the fingers of his right hand. Then he shifted, mumbling to himself, "OK, let's try this again." Roxas felt a touch at his entrance again, and only a moment later, one finger slipped smoothly into him. Somehow, he managed to remember breathing and relaxation – or maybe his body just remembered on its own, because his mind was incoherent with desire…as was his mouth.

"Ahh…nnn, um. Ax…"

The man's mumbling now sounded pleasantly surprised. "Well, _that's_ better. Let's see…" The finger pulled out, and when it pushed in again, there were two…or at least that was Roxas' guess. It felt like two…but mostly he only cared that it was _more, more_, stretching him, inside him, _Axel…_

"Y-yes…mmmm God…Ax…d-deeper…" The redhead glanced up at him before looking back down, moving his fingers in and out, thrusting slowly, experimenting with angles and how far he could reach, adding another finger – Roxas guessed – and moving faster.

There was no warning when Axel hit the bundle of nerves he hadn't even known about. Roxas cried out, body tensing and writhing, voice stammering half-formed words, his mind utterly empty…his body on fire. The redhead just stared.

"Oh wow…" Axel mumbled. "Cool." And then his fingers were probing again, searching and finding and _hitting_ that spot again…

"_No no no, stop_, too much…Ax! I c-can't…" The need to come was overwhelming him, his erection dripping onto his stomach, and Roxas didn't think he could hold on if Axel kept doing that. And he didn't want to come yet. Axel…Axel had said he would…he wanted to enter him. The chance to have sex with Axel again…it was definitely worth holding on for. No matter what his better judgment would have thought…if it had been functioning at all.

The man agreed, sounding somewhat reluctant, and left that spot alone for the time being. He seemed to return his attention to inserting more fingers and adding more lotion, as he was able. Roxas couldn't look up too often – he was trying to focus on controlling himself and relaxing. That was quite a task, when Axel was the one he was in bed with, and the blond found that trying to silence his voice was usually wasted effort. Some small corner of his mind didn't like it – he had always felt that excessive moaning was something only porn actors and whores did, and wasn't very dignified for a man, anyway. He'd never been a very noisy bedmate…until Axel. With Axel…he just couldn't seem to stop.

"Hey, Rox? Roxas! Hey…how much of this do I hafta do before I can enter you?" Blue eyes opened and looked up. It felt like Axel had most of his hand inside now, and he was leaning forward, continuing to push in and out slowly while bringing his face close to Roxas' again. The blond was kissed roughly before he could answer, and once again he wasn't left with much breath when the kiss was broken.

"I…I think…it should be OK now." _Hurry up, I need it, I need you…inside me. Axel…I love…_

"Really? Awesome!" Axel pulled back quickly, grinning like an idiot and furiously attacking the lotion bottle for whatever else he could get from it, trying to coat his length as best he could. "You're sure though, right?" Green eyes carried a touch of skepticism…barely noticeable past the burning, almost rabid lust that gaze was filled with as he stared down at Roxas' body.

"Yeah…just…start slow. I'll be OK." He couldn't tear his eyes away from that _hungry_ look in Axel's. If Axel looked into his eyes now… _Don't…_ He wouldn't be able to look away, and he was afraid he wouldn't be able to stop the words that were pushing to get past his lips… _I love you, I love you so much, love…_

The redhead was moving in on him, impatient and fast. He was mumbling a question again, half thinking out loud to himself. "Is this position OK? Can you bend enough?"

Roxas suddenly imagined the next however-many minutes – having sex with Axel, facing him, kissing him, staring at his eyes… _Shit._ That was a bad idea. A terrible idea. Because Axel would look at him, and the words… _I'll say it, I'll blurt it out, I can't…_ "A-Actually Ax…prob'ly not a good idea…" He was already squirming away, trying to roll over. "From be-…like this. This is easier…"

He could hear Axel groan a little at the delay, but the man quickly caught on. "OK, I see. If you say so…damn." His voice became a barely-audible murmur, "That's not a bad view either. Hell…"

Grabbing a pillow, Roxas hugged it to his face and chest, lifting his lower body onto his knees. He could feel Axel's hands on his hips, helping him or guiding him or maybe just touching him, gripping a little tightly. There was a shuffle as Axel moved to kneel. Then… _Oh God…_ A hot, hard touch slid against his ass, rubbing the lotion-slick area in one long thrust, insinuating…and then Roxas felt Axel's tip press his entrance and slowly…slide…in.

Axel's voice was a low groan of pleasure as Roxas felt him easing in further, his skin stretching as he forced himself to relax and allow Axel to penetrate him. It didn't really hurt…it felt hot and slick and wet and incredible, and his whole body was shivering and sweating and Axel was inside him, _Axel, Axel he…_ Roxas whimpered abruptly as something twinged a little painfully deep inside, his body flinching.

The slow thrust stopped. "That hurt?" The words were panted out, tight with restraint…

It was hard to gasp an answer…hard to _breathe_. "It…that…a little."

"Kay…I'll stop here for now then. Lemme know when it feels better." Roxas felt Axel begin to pull back, the long cock slipping back out of his body, almost all the way… But when he pushed back in, Axel wasn't taking it so slowly and gingerly. He wasn't being rough…but apparently he couldn't wait anymore, because the next few thrusts were much quicker. Like Axel had been dying for that stroking sensation, that _motion_, and now he couldn't resist.

He slowed down again, however. After a few moments of quick thrusting, he backed off and started to move in and out almost leisurely, taking his time, making Roxas feel every inch of every thrust. Hands encased his hips, bracing his body as Axel controlled every penetration, building up slowly…driving Roxas crazy…

His voice slipped out in a long moan that ended with, "_Yes_…m-more…"

"Gladly." He could hear the grin in Axel's answer…and then the man pushed in again, going a little deeper this time, a little harder. The place that had hurt before didn't hurt now, though Axel still pulled back before Roxas could feel hips bump against his ass. He seemed to be getting a better feel for it, only going deeper a little bit at a time. He moved more confidently inside Roxas, too, now that he knew how to avoid hurting the blond. Roxas could feel so much…even without being able to really see Axel, he could sense the assurance in every thrust now. And now he knew…Axel had more than just his big cock to feel confident about. He was…_good_.

And he remembered where Roxas' best spot was, apparently… "_Ahhhhhh God! Oh…oh…A-Ax…!_" The darkness behind his closed eyelids went white with pleasure when Axel angled to rub over that area on his way in with one long, slow thrust.

"I know," His best friend grunted. "Not too much, right?" Without waiting for an answer, he moved again, thrusting rapidly at a different angle, avoiding that spot and allowing Roxas to get his breath back…somewhat. He could only manage ragged breathing at best, each inhale broken by increasingly forceful thrusts into his body.

Roxas bit the pillow, trying to quiet himself as he felt Axel moving faster inside him, carrying him away on wave after wave of mind-erasing lust. He was losing control, wanting more…pushing back slightly when Axel entered him, aching to feel as much as possible. Even if it _had_ hurt…pain couldn't be anything but good now.

"Ax…more. _Nnnahh! A-Axel!_ Deep…_deeper, p-please!_" He was reaching back with one arm, flailing for Axel, wanting to touch him so much, so _badly_, wanting to pull him closer, _deeper_…

"Unngh…yeah, OK…" One hand left his hip, and Roxas felt it clasp his own, squeezing tight and tugging as Axel pulled out…then pushed in, in, _in_ until Roxas was writhing, spasms wracking his body, hot skin crushing against the curve of his ass, then pausing, his whole body tight, straining…

"I'm…I'm in." Was it a gasp or a growl? Mind spinning, Roxas couldn't quite tell. All he could feel was Axel. Axel, all the way inside of him, deeper than he'd thought possible, Axel's lower body pressed against him, Axel's grip on his hand shifting to his arm, still pulling, pulling him back and holding them together while Roxas fell apart. _Axel…Axel…love…so much…_

During the moment of pause, Axel let his other hand wander over the sweat-drenched planes of Roxas' body, touching and caressing the tenseness out. In the process, he noticed a few things – when that hand stroked over Roxas' chest and down his stomach, Axel suddenly seemed to remember the blond's neglected erection. The touch was accidental at first, but any contact at all was enough to make Roxas shudder and whimper. His cock felt hard as a rock and close…he was getting so close to coming, fluid leaking onto the sheets under him… Then Axel's hand took hold of him fully, the man mumbling something about, "Damn…sorry, I musta forgot…" but Roxas couldn't reply beyond a long groan. He wanted to come, could barely stop it…but he didn't want it to end…

Then Axel started moving again. He was closer now – Roxas could feel the heat radiating from Axel's body as he bent over to keep hold of Roxas' arousal – and he added power to his thrusts by sliding his hold on Roxas' arm up, wrapping around the front of his shoulders and pulling the blond's body back against Axel's each time. The hand around his length moved too, stroking in time with the rocking of their bodies, while hot skin slapped his ass again and again. There was nothing held back now…not from Axel, at least. And Roxas…he was lost in the intensity. His body was completely surrendered. The only part he held back – with an almost frantic stubbornness – was his voice. And even that was beyond his control, because he couldn't stop the moaning, the desperate sounds of pleasure – all he could do was fight to keep his lips from forming any words. Because the words…

_Love you…I love you, Axel, Axel, I love…love me…Axel…_

But he couldn't say that. No matter how good it felt to have Axel inside him, doing this to him, doing this _with_ _him_…he couldn't make that mistake.

Moaning deeply at each thrust now, Roxas clutched the pillow tightly and bit his lip to stop those words and tried so hard, _so very hard_ not to think about Axel. If he didn't think about _who he was having sex with_…maybe he could suppress the feelings that were killing him right now. He couldn't let himself focus on _Axel, _the person he'd known and loved so long. He didn't want to remember all the times they'd had together since college, all the moments when Axel would smile and laugh and Roxas would shiver in the very core of his being, loving him like no one else and hiding it with a perfectly casual comeback. He didn't want to remember the hard times, the times when school had gotten tough and Axel had been there for him…or when the redhead had started to slowly open up a bit and let Roxas see that he was troubled, giving the blond a chance to be there for _him_. He didn't want to remember the times he'd taken Axel drinking when classes got too hard, or after that, when life got too stressful and jobs got too frustrating, or when Axel and Tifa fought over something and Roxas ended up listening to the whole argument retold over rum and Coke at a bar. He didn't want to think about how Axel would always act the next day – casual, like everything was cool again and he hadn't been a pathetic weenie the night before…but then there'd always be one moment when, unexpectedly, he'd turn to Roxas and just say, "Hey…thanks Rox." And his eyes would show it…the appreciation, a look that made Roxas feel like they were _so close, _so close it was _agonizing_.

So many times he didn't want to think about…so many times his best friend had given him that feeling of being closer than anyone else. And every time he felt that way, it had felt so wonderful that he wanted to smile and laugh, feeling like he was high, so carefree…and at the same time he'd wanted to run away and cry, disappear forever.

Because the uncrossable line never looked clearer or darker than when he was standing right next to it. And that was when it hurt the most. He knew he couldn't have what was on the other side of the line – Axel would never, _never_ love him – but he couldn't make things easier for himself by backing away. And now, though he'd never have imagined it possible, he was somehow even closer to the line than before…yet still so miserably, _torturously_ stuck on _this side_. Without love. They could come this close and even have sex…but no love.

The pillow was wet with sweat and tears, but it was fine – it was OK to tear up during sex; that could be explained. As long as he didn't sob audibly, as long as his voice only released sounds of pleasure – sounds that were coming to him very easily, right now. With the things Axel was doing to his body…it wasn't hard to drown out his misery by giving voice to his ecstasy instead. It wasn't hard at all…with the heat of Axel's body almost burning his back, his strong arm holding Roxas tight, _crushing _tight, Axel's hand stroking him so hard, so fast now…and inside…

"_Ohhh God,_ Roxas…Roxas _nnh_…s-soon…" The deep voice was raw with arousal, muffled slightly against Roxas' shoulder blade, and the blond couldn't agree more. His whole body was being jolted by each rapid, slamming thrust. Roxas clutched the pillow desperately. He could barely keep himself on his knees – the sex was too intense, too wild. He couldn't hold on…_Axel…_

Roxas' restraint snapped. His whole body trembling with passion, he surrendered to the crashing waves of pleasure. Throbbing pulses sent his release spilling onto the bed sheets as Axel's hand continued to stroke him until he was finished. Then Roxas collapsed, spent. His arms lay weakly beside the pillow – Roxas had no strength to hold on to anything anymore. He felt the man's hands quickly move to grasp his hips, holding him up. Axel was thrusting faster now, nearly there…and all Roxas could do was pull his drifting thoughts together enough to concentrate and just _feel_ the last moments of this. While their bodies were still linked…

And then he heard Axel grunt and moan deeply, and he could feel his best friend climaxing inside him. Roxas thought he might die…the feeling of Axel filling him made him so _happy_. Even when the man finished and pulled out, the feeling lingered – so much happiness he could barely breathe. Every sensation – the mess leaking out of his body, trickling over his groin and thighs, the two of them falling so close that Axel was still half on top of him, the sound of his best friend breathing hard and heavy – he wanted to remember everything in perfect, crystal clarity. He didn't want to forget this…just because he'd been drunk.

As the world started slipping away from him almost at once, Roxas clung for as long as possible to one last sensation – Axel's hand, Axel's touch…a slow, lazy, fondling caress over the backs of his thighs, between his legs, intimate and gentle. And Axel's voice, so low but so close, mumbling something Roxas couldn't understand…he couldn't focus on the words. The tone, however, he understood – smiling, tired, and completely happy.

Axel was happy. Roxas let that knowledge fill his mind, ignoring the twinges of other thoughts trying to come alive, and carried his contentment into sleep.

~o~


	8. This Thing They Call Love

**Author's Note: **Every night of intoxicated passion must be followed by...one hell of a baaaaaad morning after. Here's another one for ya. ;D And most especially for Barbara. 8D

* * *

Chapter 8 ~ This Thing They Call Love

An irritating, tinny tune was playing, twirling around in Axel's head, knocking into things in there and hurting him. He felt like he was chasing it around, trying to smack it and make it shut up, and in the process he began to gradually identify it as "Eye of the Tiger." Which might mean something…

_Roxas' ringtone_._ Oh yeah._ Axel had just finished thinking that when the tune stopped, giving him a jolt that woke him up…to pain and misery and the sound of groggy mumbling nearby.

"Ugh…what? Yeah…" A grunt of discomfort followed, then a silent pause. Head already throbbing, Axel tried to gingerly roll over to get some idea what was going on. The motion made his stomach reel sickeningly, but he kept moving, observations filtering into his mind faster than he was ready for them. He was in a bed…not his own bed, not Roxas' bed – _Hotel room? Why am I in a…_ And then he saw Roxas. Sitting on the bed next to him, squinting and scrubbing an eye and listening to his cell phone, half asleep and looking like hell and naked. _Naked. Oh my God I didn't. Again?_

"Uh, yeah…no, I'm fine Sora…calm down…uh? Um, still at the hotel…in a room, yeah." Axel was still floundering, trying to wrap his painfully broken brain around the fact that he'd had sex with Roxas – _again_ – when blue eyes glanced sideways at him nervously. Seeing him awake, Roxas turned away quickly, voice lowering. "No…I'll tell you later. What? No…not now, I'll call you. Yeah." The phone was snapped shut with a sharp sound that seemed insanely loud to Axel, and then the blond was shuffling with fabric, trying to cover himself, breathing a weak, "Fuck…"

It was Axel's thoughts exactly as his stomach made a sudden run for freedom and the redhead had to clamp a hand over his mouth and _throw_ himself from the bed and toward the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet and didn't think after that, not right away. He felt like shit. Just…shit.

During a pause in the nausea, he heard Roxas stumble into the room. Eyes bleary and unfocused, he could see that the blond had managed to find his boxers and pull them on, and he was dragging a bed sheet, which he unceremoniously dropped over Axel's crouched form. The redhead was stupidly touched by the gesture for a moment, before his stomach revolted again. When he could hear again, it became obvious that his own vomiting had set Roxas off too – the other young man had been forced to make use of the sink, however.

_How fucking precious._ Axel managed to collect a few bitter thoughts from the wreckage of his mind. _Sharing a bathroom. Puking together. We're both old enough to fucking know better than this! Shit. I can't believe…again! I'm never…fucking…drinking…ever again. Forever. No way._

Axel huddled on the floor, pulling the sheet around himself and trying to survive the nausea, trying not to think about what had happened. He wasn't ready to remember it…not yet. Except… _What if I did something…bad? What if I…hurt him again? _ As soon as he was able to pick his head up a bit, he was glancing over at Roxas. The blond had his forehead pressed against the cold metal faucet, which was running. He really looked horrible. But Axel couldn't tell if it was just hung-over horrible or…or hurt. Though if Roxas' head was throbbing as badly as Axel's… _Ugh. God. Never again, I swear._

They didn't speak. Not until they were both stumbling out of the bathroom, heads pounding and stomachs empty. Then Axel managed to collect himself a little, leaning on the bathroom door frame and watching Roxas search for his pants. He mumbled awkwardly, "Hey…are you…uh, you OK? I mean…not hur…hurt or anything?"

Roxas grabbed his pants and flopped onto the bed, grunting slightly and not looking at Axel. "Chop my fucking head off, please." Then he slumped, Axel still waiting and watching. Pounding agony aside, he _really needed_ to be sure he hadn't… Blue eyes glanced at him and then away again, and Roxas mumbled even quieter, "No. I'm fine. Little sore, but nothing close to this headache."

Axel relaxed. He hadn't even realized how tight his whole body had been with the tension and worry over what he might have done. Finally able to breathe again, he exhaled…and noticed the clock.

"Shit!" The redhead made a dash into the room, forcing aside the protests of his head as he scrambled for his clothes. "We've got to check out in like, five minutes! Fucking…!"

Roxas glanced up, startled, and then echoed Axel's cursing and hurry. Which was probably a good sign, as Axel would decide later – Roxas was still kindly disposed toward him enough to care about Axel getting charged extra for the room. Had he been only too happy to delay and let the redhead's credit card take some extra damage…that might have been a bad sign. As it was, they both raced around unsteadily, finding and sorting out clothes, pulling them on even though they were repulsively damp – being left in a heap on the floor hadn't been great for drying the fabric out, apparently – and suspiciously crusty in places. Utterly gross. But not something they had the luxury of worrying about as they all but ran to the elevator and lobby, barely making it to the desk in time.

Some vague, unconcerned corner of Axel's mind noted that the receptionist looked familiar – maybe the same one as the night before? – and was apparently quite disgusted with their appearance. He didn't give a shit, however. He knew he looked wretched, and just disregarded her opinion. He failed to notice the undertones of horrified suspicion in her eyes – having not yet seen the marks that were currently obvious on Roxas' neck – and he also failed to notice _Roxas_ paying far more attention to her reaction than he was. He definitely didn't see the look of smug gratification in blue eyes as they observed the girl's reaction to Axel's "morning-after" condition.

They called a cab to get home, and it was a good thing that they couldn't really be refused as passengers on account of personal odor – Axel noticed, once they were in the cab, that both he and Roxas smelled pretty bad. The cabbie, however, just quietly rolled the windows down and didn't say anything. Roxas proceeded to lean against the door and close his eyes, slowly and deeply breathing in the fresh air from the window. Axel knew why, too. The motion of the ride was…not helping things. His stomach complained and his head _screamed_ at him and he felt like death, quite simply. And of course, now that he had a minute and was feeling miserable, his mind felt it was a perfect time to bring up memories from the night before.

If his memory could be believed, Axel had been…really, really stupid.

It took most of the ride to slowly sort out what he _could_ recall and put events in order, but by the time they were nearing Roxas' apartment, the redhead was relatively certain that he'd been an idiot. He'd jumped in a pool or a hot tub or something, and then for some reason Roxas had been in there too – _Please tell me I didn't force him in, God_ – and Axel had _definitely_ been the one to come on to Roxas. He was even halfway sure that he remembered Roxas trying to make him stop…a plea he'd totally ignored, and proceeded to get them both off in the pool.

Axel was horrified with himself. But that wasn't the end.

Most of the trip up to the hotel room was there in his memory, but all of his thoughts at the time seemed to be missing…unless he really hadn't been thinking about a single thing other than getting Roxas in a bed and fucking him – depressingly possible, considering how drunk he'd been. And after that…things got unfortunately clearer and clearer. He _knew_ Roxas had resisted again, and he _knew_ he hadn't even pretended to listen, and he most definitely knew that he'd taken his best friend to bed and screwed him. _Fucking Christ almighty, how __**could**__ I?_ At least he'd managed to think enough to make sure Roxas didn't get hurt. He had memories of doing a lot of stuff with lotion and fingers that he was pretty sure would never have occurred to him on his own. Roxas must have told him to…in fact, yes, Axel was pretty sure Roxas _had_ given him a few instructions. _So maybe…maybe it wasn't really __**rape**__ exactly. Maybe it was more of a…forceful seduction? Yeah…_ He paused a moment. _Fucking idiot! Like that's any better! I still had sex with him __**again**__ without saying anything about the __**last**__ time! Who __**does**__ that? A fucking asshole, that's who!_

Part of Axel's inner tirade was well-deserved self-recrimination. Part of it, however, _might_ have been just a little bit of a desperate grab at something else to focus on…because some of those later memories were really much too clear. The taste of Roxas' skin and the sight of his body – spread out underneath Axel, naked and aroused and sweating – and the sound of his stifled moans were all uncomfortably clear. And then there was another clear view – the slope of Roxas' back…and his upturned ass. Softened flesh opening to him, pulling him inside so smoothly, no painful roughness to the squeeze this time, just…the most absolutely perfect pressure. And after that…it seemed like he remembered _everything_ after that. Holding Roxas and taking him slowly, then harder and faster – Roxas moaning and begging for _more, deeper_ – and the strange and amazing feeling of the blond's orgasm in his hand.

Too much heat, too much pleasure, and so much _desire_ that he'd been burning for more and losing his mind and coming so hard inside…inside _Roxas_.

Axel shuddered. And then he checked himself, because surprisingly, that reaction had _not_ been one of horror or disgust – though he knew that much now, but he still couldn't get used to the concept of _not_ being horrified by sex with a man – but it had been closer to…arousal. _Again_. Need. Like remembering all that, even with how idiotic and potentially friendship-destroying it had been…wasn't making him hope he never did it again. Quite the opposite, in fact. To his mind's shock, Axel's body was most definitely putting a vote in for a few more times of doing…_that_. With Roxas.

…Not right at the moment, though. The tingle in his skin wanted it and whispered of _more, soon, again…_ But the pounding in his head was louder, and sided with his mind on this one – _Fuck. No_.

He had to get this figured out. He had to stop _doing_ shit without _thinking_. And he very much needed to grow a pair and _talk_ to Roxas about what had happened – _again_ – before the silence between them completely devoured years of trust and friendship.

He just…didn't know what to _say_.

"_Hey man, sorry about screwing you when I was drunk"?_

…_God no. Lame. _

"_Hey Rox! So we're 'sex best friends' now I guess? That's cool!"_

_That's __**cool**__? No!_

"_You're really good in bed, you know…"_

_Holy __**fuck**__ no! What the hell?_

Hangover-inspired suggestions were obviously no good. Axel gladly gave up his efforts to think, leaving such problems for when he felt better.

In the meantime, they arrived at Roxas' apartment. Axel paid the cabbie, adding a little extra as a silent apology for their smell. The guy seemed happy with that, and drove off with the windows still rolled down. The two young men climbed the stairs in silence, and Roxas let them into the apartment. Still without a word, they headed in the same direction first – to the kitchen for glasses of water.

Roxas finally spoke as he turned from the room. "Getting Aspirin."

"Yeah," Axel mumbled in agreement. He sipped his water and slumped to the couch, where Roxas joined him with the much-needed pain pills. Again, they were silent for a while – talking reverberated painfully in the skull and just wasn't worth it – until Roxas spoke again, briefly.

"Need a shower. You?"

"Go ahead." Axel mumbled, fairly certain that no matter _how_ gross he felt or _how_ gentle he knew he'd been, Roxas would always be in worse shape in this situation. "I'll wait."

"Thanks," Roxas grunted softly, and painfully rose from the couch, shuffling off to the bathroom. Leaving Axel to his useless, hung-over thoughts.

_He's not limping too bad…_ Green eyes had followed Roxas discreetly as the blond left the room. _Maybe all that preparation really does help. And if he was telling me what to do, maybe…did he want it too? If he did… But he was trying to stop me, wasn't he? _Axel triple-checked his memories to make sure of those details – a few of them were fuzzy. He wasn't totally sure Roxas had tried to stop him in the pool…but no, in the room, the blond had definitely told him to stop and tried to push him away at first. _Even if he gave in later, that doesn't excuse my ignoring his refusal._ Then Axel paused, wondering something. _How…how much does __**he**__ remember? He was pretty drunk too…_ It was possible that Roxas had forgotten his refusals…in which case, he might not be blaming Axel right now. On the other hand, he may have forgotten his later acceptance and submission instead…in which case… _He'd be thinking right now that I really raped him last night. Oh my God._ Axel would have to verify that. Soon. Which meant he'd have to talk about this with Roxas – he'd _have_ to – without any more delays. He couldn't act like nothing had happened when Roxas might be thinking that his best friend had dragged him into a hotel room and raped him. No friendship could survive _that_.

So Axel had to figure out what to say. _Today_. He couldn't let this weekend slip by without confronting what was going on between them. And that meant…_ I need to know what I want to do about it_.

Head still pounding, Axel listened for a moment to the sounds of the shower running. He was in no condition to deal with this at all – maybe after his own shower he'd feel a little better – but he wasn't going to wait anymore either. He was risking losing Roxas' friendship for good this time, and he already knew he couldn't afford that. He'd suffer through much worse to keep Roxas. That was already decided.

_What do I want to do?_

Fact: Axel was single. Tifa wasn't coming back. Maybe some guys could have held onto hope, even after a breakup like that, but Axel knew Tifa. When she acted, she had already thought things out. And when she had gotten something figured out, she never changed her mind. She was one of the most rational women Axel had ever been with. He had…loved that about her. Once.

_Ugh…stop thinking about that…_ The pain was still there, inside his chest…though it was more of a twinge than a stab now.

OK, fact: Roxas was gay. Roxas liked men and had once liked Axel. Axel couldn't remember if Roxas had ever said how he felt _now_ – and he should probably make sure when they talked that he not only found out what Roxas remembered from last night, but he should also explain how much _he_ remembered from the first time, in case he'd forgotten something important. Either way, Roxas had been his best friend for years, and that had to mean _something_. At least the guy still enjoyed his company…which might make things even worse if he didn't want Axel as anything else anymore. If he wasn't attracted to him now and just liked being friends, but Axel had screwed that up… _Oh God. I really hope it's not like that…_

Which left Axel with a question. If he _didn't_ want Roxas to think of him as only a friend…did that mean he was actually _hoping _that the guy still liked him? _But that would be so awkward for our friendship if…_ If what? If he couldn't accept Roxas like that and they couldn't be friends anymore? But Axel already knew that he _could_ accept Roxas…at least on a physical level. Incredible as it was, his body didn't have the slightest problem with what they'd begun doing together, and his shocked and appalled mind was really…only shocked and appalled by how little he minded. _So if I'm OK with us being like this and if I'm hoping he still likes me…doesn't that kind of mean…?_ The idea, so logical and yet unexpected, stopped his thoughts dead.

_Holy shit…do I wanna __**be **__with him? Like…like a boyfriend? __**Boy**__friend…fuck. Weird…_

The bathroom door opened and Axel's attention found a new focus. His neck tensed at once, resisting the impulse to turn and look… His mind was less restrained. Especially now that he was so _intimately_ familiar with the delicious details of Roxas just out of the shower. His scent, his clean, warm, damp body…everything was crystal clear in Axel's memory. It almost didn't matter that he managed to keep his eyes fixed ahead and didn't look. His imagination _stared_.

"Your turn." Another weak grunt, but Roxas' voice at least sounded a little less pained…a little more refreshed.

"Yeah, thanks." Axel called back, waiting until he heard Roxas' bedroom door shut before he rose and shuffled stiffly to the bathroom. His jeans had never felt worse in the crotch. _Not again…_

Scalding water felt great. And, to be honest, jerking off felt great, even with a headache. _I should really stop…doing shit like this…in Roxas' shower all the time._ Today, though, Axel let his body's needs come before any other constraints. He needed it too badly. He still felt like shit, and it was getting too hard to think rationally when his mind was consumed by memories of his night with Roxas. There were no attempts at other fantasies this time. Not of Tifa or any other woman he'd ever done or dreamt of doing. There was no point in trying to convince his body that any of those fantasies were more arousing than his surprisingly sexy best friend.

Maybe he got a little too into it. The memories were _so_ good, and he was hard, really hard, and his headache actually faded – or maybe he just didn't notice it as much – as he stroked and squeezed his erection, trying to find that perfect pressure again…the _Roxas_ kind of pressure. He didn't mean to take that long; he meant to just jerk it off and come quickly…but once that hot, throbbing feeling started coursing through him, Axel just couldn't stop. He wanted to drown in it and think about nothing else, nothing…nothing but a pleasure-soaked voice falling from soft, parted lips that he'd never known could taste so good, and misty blue eyes that he'd never stared into before and now couldn't seem to stop, and blond hair darkened with sweat clinging to flushed skin, burning, chest heaving, firm but still so alluring…

Axel came hard, biting his lip to seal in a groan at the last second. _Fuck…Roxas._ It felt so good, he lost track of time yet again after that, just standing there and letting the hot water run down his body, burning away the bad feelings and worries and relaxing him perfectly.

When he left the bathroom, he didn't see Roxas.

A corner of his mind was curious about that, but mostly Axel felt too spaced out and _good_ to care. He fished some blissfully clean clothes out of one of his piles in Roxas' room – his dresser had been Tifa's, and she'd kept it – got dressed, and shuffled out into the apartment. Roxas still wasn't there.

_Back later_ was scribbled on a napkin in the kitchen. Blinking at the note, Axel turned back to the living room and flopped onto his back on the couch.

"_Back later"? Where the hell's he going? He doesn't have anywhere to be…_ Axel checked that. Today was Saturday…so yes, Roxas didn't have anything going on. _Where's he going when he's hung over? I know he feels like shit too…_ It was a little worrying – Axel hoped nothing was wrong, and should Roxas even be driving right now? _Well, he probably can, but it'd be better to just stay here for the afternoon…_ Then again, Axel couldn't feel _too_ upset about the blond's sudden absence. He wasn't done thinking. He'd allowed himself to get a little too distracted in the shower. He wasn't ready to talk…yet.

_What am I gonna say to him when he comes back?_ Axel leaned back on the couch, feeling exhaustion wash over his body in a numbing wave. He felt so much better after that shower, in clean clothes…and he was low on energy, but he couldn't even _think_ about food yet, and he knew it would be a few hours before anything started to look edible again. And he needed to _think_ some more, but…

Axel forced himself to try, at least for a few minutes, but his mind was blank. Before long, he was rolling onto his side to get more comfortable, and only minutes after that, he was asleep on the couch.

~o~

Sora was pissed, and Roxas' headache wasn't up to dealing with his cousin's outrage. The blond was just trying to weather the storm with his nose in his coffee cup while the brunet ranted in furious undertones in the calm atmosphere of the coffee shop.

"You can't be serious, Roxas! What the hell were you thinking? How could you let him do that to you? _Especially _if you think he's just playing around until he finds a new fuck! Roxas. If that's what he's doing – hell, even if it's _not_ – you can't let him use you like that. You're going to get _hurt_…"

Inhaling the smooth, sweet smell of his mild latte – he couldn't drink it as strong as he usually liked it today – Roxas mumbled softly, "I know."

Sora heard him and redirected his rant. "Oh you _know._ Oh _really_. Well then why in the bleeding hell are you letting him _do _that?"

"I can't help it," Roxas' voice was even weaker, to his annoyance.

"Don't try to give me that, Roxas. You've beat the shit out of men _twice_ your size for coming on to you when you weren't interested and not backing off when you told them to."

"They weren't…Axel…"

Impatience made Sora's voice tight. "Don't expect me to buy that, either. Your self-control around him is _creepy_ it's so perfect, and don't forget that I know why." Blue eyes fixed Roxas with a sharp, knowing look. Not that the blond had forgotten. Sora knew everything. Sora was the only one who really knew it _all_, and he always had.

Roxas didn't have an answer or a defense. Sora's reprimands were exactly the same things he'd been yelling at himself, and defending himself to Sora would be pointless, because he couldn't win an argument against his cousin that he'd already lost against himself. He knew he was being stupid and he knew this was wrong and he knew Axel was going to break his heart and he would probably never fully recover from it and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. He knew, he knew, he _knew_.

It didn't matter.

The brunet sighed in resignation. "What are you going to do when he leaves, Roxas? Hmm? When he finds another girl? You think you can go back to being best friends after this, when he _knows?_"

Roxas just shook his head quietly. _No…that won't work._

"It'll be over, won't it? And what will you do?" Sora's tone was getting softer, almost pleading. Roxas just shrugged. Sora leaned forward. "You can't let it go on, Roxas. The longer you let him have his way like this, the worse it's going to be when it's over. You have to put an end to it now. You have to stop him _now_, Roxas. Then, you know, maybe someday…if you do it now and avoid the mess, there's a chance you could be friends again someday. If you _wait_…you won't get that chance."

It was true. Roxas knew that. But…Sora could talk easily about "putting an end to it." Roxas…couldn't take that so lightly. Not when _he_ was the one who would have to make that end _happen_. And he'd have to think of how to do it – how to say goodbye to _Axel_, when he didn't know how to _live _without Axel – and then he'd have to _do_ it. Face Axel and…tell him goodbye. _How can I possibly do that?_

"I know…" Roxas murmured miserably.

A spiky brown head shook slowly. "I know you know. Are you going to do it?"

Swallowing unhappily, Roxas rubbed his aching head. "I…I don't know. I _was_…I mean…I never meant to let it get like this. I didn't…didn't think it _would_. I thought it was over from the start, I thought he'd never speak to me again, that he'd hate me and cut me off and…but he _isn't_ and I can't…I _can't!_"

A gentle touch on his arm drew Roxas' eyes up to his cousin's sympathetic gaze. His voice faltered. "He…he might be accepting me, you know?" Even as he said it, he hated how weak and pleading he sounded.

Sora's eyes were dark with sadness. They were echoing Roxas' own mind: _No._ "You know it doesn't work like that, Roxas. His orientation is a basic part of who he _is._ You can't change a person just by having sincere feelings…not in the real world. And even the closest friendship is a long way from love. It's not the same _feeling_, Roxas, even if it looks that way sometimes. Don't get confused…"

"I know." The blond cut in. "I _know_, but…"

"There's no 'but' Roxas…"

"But there _is!_ Because…because I told him how I felt, and he didn't reject me! He…we had _sex_. And then we did it _again_. He wanted me, _he_ started it last night! You don't _do_ that to someone if you don't like them at all…"

"He was _drunk_, Roxas! Both times! And people _can_ use other people, it happens all the time. You know that."

Swallowing tears, Roxas' voice lost strength again. "But Axel has never…he isn't like that."

Another sigh. "I believe that. I know he's a really nice guy. But he's not perfect, and you're getting your hopes up over stuff he's doing when he's totally drunk and probably a little sexually deprived and lonely. He _did_ just lose his fiancée. You can't trick yourself into thinking he's able to love you, just because he's reaching for you right now. _You're going to get very, very hurt_…and I just can't bear to watch that, Roxas."

Glancing up again, Roxas could see that Sora was damn near crying. _Crap_. That guy was just too caring for his own good. _And…he's right, too._ Even if he couldn't realize this much by _thinking_, Roxas should know better from personal experience. _I know_… Eyes could burn bright with desire, the body could ache with need, hands could touch and caress softly or passionately, lips could kiss and smile, and the heart could still remain untouched and untouchable._ It's so easy to be fooled_.

"OK." He could only whisper, eyes miserably staring at the clean, polished tabletop. "I'll…I'll break it off. I'll talk to him."

Sighing again, Sora relaxed. His voice, however, still held a slight edge. "And if he gets drunk and comes on to you again?"

"I…I won't let him do anything to me…" But the words were an empty hope. Roxas knew he was lost if Axel touched him.

His cousin knew better too. "Can you?" Roxas bit his lip and didn't answer. Sora continued after a pause. "Come stay with me for a bit, Roxas. I know you feel like you can't kick him out right now, but you can't keep living in the same space with the way things are. It's not fair to you. Come stay with me and Riku until he can find a place and move out."

"But I don't wanna impose on you guys…"

"Oh shut up." Sora wouldn't even hear it. "We're not newlyweds, dumbass. We've been together for over three years; we can handle ourselves with company." The brunet smirked sardonically, then rubbed Roxas' arm gently. "Just for a little bit, OK? You need to get some distance."

Reluctantly, Roxas nodded. It would be hard. It would hurt. But he had to stop this before it killed him…or before he lost control of himself again. _And it'll be OK…once I get out of there, I'll be fine. As long as I'm not around him… Anyway, I can do it. I've been dealing with this for years. It's not that different now. I'll…be fine._

~o~


	9. Side by Side

**Author's Note:** Happy June, y'all. :D ILU Barbara. ;D

* * *

Chapter 9 ~ Side by Side

A sudden scuffling, followed by a _thud_ and a muttered, "Shit!" interrupted Axel's dreaming. The memory of the dream vanished at once as Axel woke up, feeling…much better actually. Rested. No headache. Warm… Axel blinked. He remembered falling asleep on the couch, but he wasn't sure where the blanket covering him had come from.

But none of that mattered when, a moment later, he looked up to see Roxas struggling by the door, arms full. Several bags were hung from his shoulders, and one of them was probably the culprit that had knocked over the end table by the door, which Roxas was now trying to pick back up as quickly and quietly as possible. Axel rubbed an eye curiously as he sat up, wondering what Roxas was doing. Did he need some help? Wait…where was he going?

Blue eyes glanced up at the motion and saw him and Roxas stiffened, turning away and moving faster. _That's not right…_ Axel frowned. "Hey, what're ya doin, Rox? Need some help with thaaa?" The end of his sentence disappeared into a yawn.

Roxas' voice was strangely quiet. Axel barely heard him answer, "Nope. I'm fine. Sorry I woke you up, Ax. Go back to sleep."

But Axel wasn't about to do that. He was awake now, and beginning to think. _Where __**is**__ Roxas going? He came back and didn't wake me…and was gonna leave again? Is he…trying to sneak out? _That thought had the redhead on his feet, crossing the room quickly toward the struggling blond.

"Where are you going, Roxas?" A blue, troubled glance, but no answer. Silence. "Roxas, where are you going?" Axel insisted. When it looked like Roxas was still not going to answer him, he reached out and took hold of a slender arm, pulling the blond to face him insistently. Roxas didn't look at him, didn't meet the searching green gaze. "Roxas. Where." Low and level, Axel demanded an answer. _I can't let him go until I find out…until I explain…_

Still not looking up, Roxas answered softly, "I'm, um…I'm gonna go stay with Sora for a little while, Ax. He…he invited me, so…I'm going."

It didn't make sense. _Sora's? Why would he need to stay with Sora? He lives __**here**__, this is __**his**__ apartment…_ All that came out, however, was a blank, "Why?"

Roxas was retreating, pulling out of Axel's grip and backing toward the door, clutching his bags. "You can stay here as long as you need to, please don't be bothered by it, just stay until you can find your own place. No rush."

"Thanks, but…when will _you_ be back? How long are you visiting Sora for?" _How am I supposed to find a chance to talk about this if he's gone? _Axel took one step forward, trying to keep the distance between them from growing wider.

"I'm not…not _visiting. _ I won't be back until you've found a place to move. But take your time, really! It's nothing to worry about…"

_What? What the hell is he saying?_ "What are you talking about? What's going on, Roxas?"

The blond had backed out the door by now – he was standing on the threshold, Axel stopping right in the doorway and looking down at the little guy…who _still_ wasn't looking up at him. He was just mumbling toward Axel's knees, "I just need some space. I can't…with the way things are now…I can't be around you right now. I hope we can still be friends…"

Axel's stomach crystallized into a block of ice. _He hates me. Oh God._ "Wh-why? You don't have to go… If…if it's what I did…I mean…I'm sorry. I won't do anything you don't like, I'm sorry…"

Blond spikes waved as Roxas shook his head. "You just don't understand. It doesn't matter anymore. I can't trust my_self_ around you. I can't stay."

_But you __**have**__ to stay! You can't leave me alone like this…_ Axel blocked the selfish thought. "I don't understand! I mean, I get it if…if you're mad at me…" Roxas opened his mouth, but Axel kept talking, rushing in a panic to make this better, "…but all you had to do was say so! I won't…I mean, I promise! I won't do anything!" _He hates it, he doesn't want me like that, I knew it! _Sick pain was settling in Axel's chest at the thought of Roxas walking out on him because of what he'd foolishly, stupidly done. _I can't lose you, too…_

A quiet sigh. "But I can't promise that _I_ won't do anything. So I have to go…before I ruin our friendship for good."

Blinking, Axel tried to understand the blond's words. _He still wants to be friends…but he has to leave? Wait…he can't promise he won't do __**what?**__ But if he wants to do it, then…_ All he could manage after a bewildered pause was, "That's OK. I don't mind if you…that is, I'm OK with…with whatever you want to do." And even though he'd already realized it, Axel couldn't help the amazement in his voice as he spoke. _Jesus, this is embarrassing…_

Finally, blue eyes looked up at him…and Axel's mind went blank with distress at the confusion and pain filling Roxas' expression. _Why is he upset? If we both want the same thing…_ "You don't get it at all, do you, Ax?" The sad whisper barely reached him.

"Get…what?" The redhead blinked cluelessly at his friend, unable to keep up with the conversation. He _thought_ he had just figured out that they were both OK with this new relationship…which _should_ be a _good_ thing! But for some reason it was very, very bad…or at least Roxas seemed to think so. _Did I miss something?_

The whisper continued, after a pause, slowly gaining strength as Roxas spoke against the slow welling of tears in blue eyes. "I can't do this. I…you _know_ I would do anything to help you, but this…" Roxas took a deep breath. "I can't be your comfort until you find another woman, Ax. I wish I could help but…but I just can't be satisfied with that. So I have to stop _now_, before we go too far…because I still want to be your friend. I don't want to lose what we've always had. But if we do this now, then when it's over…I won't be able to let go. I'll ruin everything, in the end…because of my feelings for you…"

As much as he didn't want to stop Roxas – even if he was only getting more and more confused and worried as the blond spoke – he _had_ to cut in there. Because Roxas had said something that he really, _really_ needed to know about. "How's that?" Roxas stopped, and Axel swallowed. "You…how _do_ you feel about me? What do you mean?"

Helplessness washed over the young man's face…then pain again. Just pain. Roxas hesitated, but Axel waited. He wasn't dropping this question or taking it back.

"You…you already know. How I'm in love with you…how I've loved you all this time. I _told_ you already that I…I love you so much…!"

The ice block in Axel's stomach suddenly flipped over and thawed, a shiver running over his skin as he felt heat rush to his face. _Oh…oh._ He tried to answer, but his throat felt blocked, stuck. _So he __**does**__, then. He…wow. Oh fucking…why am I so __**happy?**_

But Roxas was continuing, still upset. "And I'm sorry, I just…it's my fault and I can't help it, but if you can ever forgive me…I want to stay your friend. At least. And you won't have to worry about…I won't… I mean, anyway, for now, I just think I need some distance and a little time to fix this. Sorry. I'm sorry…and…bye, Axel."

Most of that hadn't made much sense to Axel, and the prolonged confusion was beginning to wear him out. The words carried vague impressions – things that didn't connect together or add up properly. But the impressions reached him – Roxas was in love with him, and Roxas was leaving. In fact, now Roxas _was_ leaving, backing up quickly and turning away and trying to hurry to the stairs and away from Axel. _Trying to escape, huh?_

"Roxas. Stop…"

Steps faltering and stopping, Roxas just stood there, back toward Axel. The redhead leaned tiredly against the door frame, forehead bumping the wooden surface. "Come back…" He added, then stretched an arm toward Roxas' stiff back, waving weakly. "Come back." When Roxas still didn't move for a moment – _Trembling? Is he…?_ – Axel spoke again, trying to force a little firmness into his voice. "Get back here, Roxas. Don't run away from me." The redhead squeezed his eyes shut, trying to clear his mind of the dazed confusion and hoping like crazy that Roxas would listen and come back to him on his own. He didn't want to have to chase the guy. He didn't want to force Roxas anymore.

A soft voice that was almost a whimper spoke, and Axel opened his eyes to see Roxas standing in front of him again. "What." The question was flat. Kind of…hopeless.

Suddenly, Axel realized he didn't know where to begin. He barely understood what was going through Roxas' _head_, so how could he figure out what to say to straighten this mess out and _keep Roxas from leaving?_ He looked down at the shorter blond for a minute – Roxas was still not meeting his eyes – and felt kind of…giddy. Giddy and _happy_, because…Roxas loved him. He _did_. And it was such a good and complicated feeling, because he was also frustrated and at a loss and didn't know what to do with this little guy who meant the world to him and always _had_, and who was now turning his world upside-down and making everything new and strange and _still_ somehow fitting comfortably into the deepest heart of it all – the center of Axel's world. The redhead let out a sudden sigh, looking at him. He should probably start with something he could tell Roxas. Something the blond needed to know.

"Roxas…I'm sorry. I didn't know." Blue eyes stayed downward, and Axel wondered if he understood. "That night…um, the first time…I, um, don't really remember all the details. I was a little too drunk. I remember most of it but…but not what you just told me." _Finally_, that blue gaze shot up, startled and blinking at him. "I didn't know it was like that for you," Axel concluded. "I didn't think you really cared about me. I thought maybe it was just a fling for you. I'm…I'm really sorry. I wouldn't have done…those things…if I'd known."

Blue eyes held relief…and just a little bit of something else. _Not still sad? Or is it…disappointment? _Axel wasn't sure, but Roxas just nodded. "I understand. I'm…glad. Thank you. And…it's OK. It'll…it'll be OK. I'll be fine, we can still go back to being friends…"

_Wait wait wait. _ Axel frowned. _We're still not understanding something here…_ "Is that what you really want?" _Can't be…you just __**said**__ you're in love with me! Don't you want…more than that?_ "Roxas?"

Blue eyes were darting away again, hiding. "Of course. You're…you're my best friend, Ax. I don't want you disappearing from my life. I'll do anything to make it work…I'll fix it, you don't need to worry…"

"No." Axel cut his rambling friend off. He was finally beginning to get an idea of where Roxas was coming from. And he ignored the flash of fright and hurt in those blue eyes…for now. He couldn't let Roxas talk like that.

"What? But…can't we…?"

"No, Roxas." Thoughts finally congealing, Axel just let them out. Just spoke exactly what he was thinking. "That's not a good idea. You want more than that, don't you?" An idea occurred to him. "Actually…if you've always been in love with me…haven't you always wanted more? Haven't you been suffering this whole time?" The idea made his stomach turn a little sickly. "I'm not going to let you go back to being unhappy, just for my convenience. And…" Axel realized something else. "…you haven't asked at all about what _I_ want. Why are you assuming I want to just go back to the way we were?"

Those eyes were definitely looking at him _now_. Roxas was _gaping_ at him, looking utterly speechless for a moment. "_Why?_ Because…because…you're not…I mean…" Roxas blinked rapidly. "OK. What _do_ you want, Ax?"

Axel felt one corner of his mouth twitch up a little at that. Roxas just looked so _funny!_ Still leaning on the door frame, he answered quietly, "I dunno…but I've been thinkin' about it, and I don't think I really wanna go back to being just buddies anymore. I dunno what it is exactly, but…I think I might want more than that, too. At least…I definitely don't want to lose you. Not now, not ever." He searched blue eyes, hoping Roxas got the importance of that point. "So…can't you just stick around a bit and…give us a chance?"

If possible, Roxas looked even more baffled. "_Us?_ But…but…you're _straight!_"

Chuckling at that – seriously, he couldn't help it, he'd never _seen_ Roxas look so hilariously dumbfounded – Axel answered, "Well, yeah, I thought so…but I've done some pretty _not_-straight things lately, wouldn't you say?" Roxas just blushed brighter than a stop light. _Heh…that's so cute…_ Axel couldn't help reaching out a little, but he wasn't quite confident enough to touch Roxas yet. He slipped two fingers behind a duffel bag strap and tugged slightly. "You're a really bad influence, you know? Not that I mind…" The slight grin lingered as he looked at Roxas. Poor guy looked so confused…

"You…you don't?" But even if he looked confused and uncertain, there was a note of trembling hope in his voice, and Axel just watched him, wondering how he could have been so stupid for all those years and never noticed what an adorable guy his best friend was.

"Nope," he smiled. "Don't mind. Actually, in case you couldn't tell…I really like being this way with you." He watched Roxas swallow at that, and tugged again on that strap, this time a little harder…pulling Roxas that one step nearer, bringing them close…close enough to kiss. _Ooh, good idea…_ Once he'd thought of it, Axel didn't have the slightest idea of resisting. He just leaned down and did it – gently pressing his lips to Roxas' and staying there for a moment. _Wow. He feels so good._ Axel marveled at the soft feeling, realizing that this was the first time he'd kissed Roxas while sober. All the details were so much clearer. Roxas' lips, Roxas' nose bumping his face a little, Roxas' bangs tickling his forehead…and Roxas' taste, as Axel pushed slowly past unresisting lips with a soft lick – he _tasted_ so _good_. And Axel had already known that, but without the taste of alcohol in the way, muddling things, Roxas was…truly delicious. Axel sighed and pushed a little deeper, moving his mouth in a slow caress. Roxas still hadn't responded – he was tense with surprise but he wasn't resisting. And then the space between them finally became more than Axel could tolerate, and the redhead moved forward and let his hands slip around his best friend, trailing over ribs and around to Roxas' back, pulling him in and pressing him close.

That was when Roxas responded. He leaned in and kissed back, haltingly at first, then all at once a moment later, pressing himself into Axel's arms and kissing him hungrily. Arms wrapped around his neck and Axel was happy, and duffel bags bumped the door frame, jostling them both a little, and Axel smiled, but he kept kissing Roxas because…because he wanted to, and Roxas clearly wanted to, and it would be OK. _ We can figure this out._

When they finally separated, Axel found himself staring at Roxas' flushed, dazed face, thinking only, _He's so cute, he's so sexy, he's so…so __**lovely**__. _ Not that Roxas looked girly – Axel wasn't making that mistake, there was no way he _could_ – but he just couldn't think of the right words to describe his feeling of _fascination_ in this moment. Fascination with _Roxas_. _So weird…_ But good. Not scary or confusing anymore.

Roxas' voice was weak. "You…you kissed me."

Axel grinned. "No shit, Sherlock," he murmured fondly.

Blue eyes blinked once. "Are you drunk?"

Axel snorted. _He's too damn cute…who knew?_ Then he leaned in quick and kissed Roxas again, slipping his tongue in briefly before pulling back and winking. "Do I taste like I've been drinking?"

A slow head shake. "No…more like…toothpaste." A basic of recovering from a morning of puking – clean teeth. Axel had brushed them before his nap.

"And you taste like coffee," the redhead replied, still smiling. "So, nobody's drunk. Glad we got that cleared up."

"But then… I don't get it." The blond's face was nearly blank…but at least he didn't look distressed anymore. And that little spark of hope was still there, not daring to come out, but hiding in blue eyes and waiting. Waiting for something sure, something to depend on.

Which was a lot to ask of a guy who, until today, still had had absolutely no idea what he wanted. Still, Axel had also had a chance to think – a _little_ – and some things were certain. Roxas loved him, _God oh God oh God_. Axel definitely wanted to stay with Roxas, not lose him. And he liked doing these things with Roxas – the things lovers did. He didn't care anymore about Roxas being a guy, not really. And maybe Axel still didn't know if he was _in love_ with Roxas…but that could come later. When had he ever been in love when he started dating someone, anyway? Part of the fun was slowly getting closer to the one he liked and _falling _in love with them. And really, it wouldn't be bad to fall in love with Roxas. It might even be…wonderful.

"How 'bout this then?" Axel finally answered, voice soft as he looked at his best friend. "Roxas…would you be my…uh, boyfriend?" His cheeks felt a little warm, saying that. _Damn it._ Roxas' cheeks, however, put his own awkward blush to shame. The blond flushed all the way down his lovely, bruised – _Bruised? Oh! Oh man…_ – neck, stammering helplessly for a minute before he managed an answer.

"How…how can you say that? You…you like _women_. You can't want _me_…"

A frustrated sigh escaped the redhead…but he wasn't mad. He couldn't blame Roxas for being confused, not after the way he'd been acting. Not when this was the first time they'd really _talked_ about any of this. "Hey now," he interrupted, "don't go deciding for me. I can want you if I want you. What's so hard to believe about that anyway? Do I have to take you to bed right now and prove to you that I want you?" He arched an eyebrow at wide blue eyes. "Because I'll do it, Mister. Don't think I won't. I'll drag you into your bedroom right this minute and strip your clothes off and push you down and make love to you until you believe me if that's what it takes. Got it?"

A neighbor appeared from the stairwell and walked past them. Roxas looked like he might die of embarrassment. Axel turned a bit red himself, before mumbling, "Maybe you better come inside your apartment. Come on…"

When the door was shut behind them and they were alone again – in _private_ – Axel turned to Roxas once more, taking some of the baggage he was still carrying. "Put your bags down already, here." He set aside the duffel and grabbed another bag from the obedient, dazed-looking blond. "Now, then," Axel continued when Roxas was unburdened, "are we going to your bedroom, or are you just gonna believe me?"

Reddening again, Roxas looked down and mumbled, "Are you…serious?"

"Hell yeah, I'm serious." It was getting easier to say these things. Just a little. Maybe because the cat was out of the bag now. Or maybe because Axel finally thought he knew what he _wanted_. The idea of _dating Roxas_, now that it had occurred to him, was looking nicer and nicer, and not nearly as scary as the vague, undefined, and highly sexual relationship that they had started.

"You…want a relationship with me?" A nervous, hopeful gaze darted up for a moment. _He's shy…that's so weird. And cute…_

"Got a problem with that?" Axel reached forward and touched Roxas' hand, wrapping his fingers around the blond's and tugging forward a little. Roxas shook his head quickly, but didn't look up. His voice lowering a little, getting serious again, Axel added, "Roxas…I really am sorry. About doing those things when I was drunk. I shouldn't have…like that…and I'm sorry if I hurt you." It really needed to be said. _Because…if he really felt that way all this time…I definitely hurt him. I have to make it better._

Roxas finally looked up, and there were tears in his eyes and his nose was a little red, but he wasn't crying. He took a deep breath and answered, "Yeah…you did. But…it's OK. It's OK now. If…if you're really serious…"

There was a painful twist in Axel's chest – the redhead was beginning to understand just how hard all this had been on his best friend. "Yeah. I am. If you'll have me." He grinned weakly. "If you think you can put up with having a stupid drunkard like me for a boyfriend."

Choking suddenly, Roxas laughed. It was a weak and helpless laugh, but there was relief and happiness in those moist blue eyes, and Roxas was leaning against him, laughing, squeezing his hand. "You dumbass," he chuckled through the tears leaking onto Axel's shirt, "You big, brainless…ass…" Roxas sniffled, and Axel wrapped his arms around the smaller frame. "I love you," the blond whispered into Axel's shirt. "I've always…loved you."

It was downright funny how lightheaded and happy Axel felt as he pulled his best friend and new lover away to look at him to speak, smiling but trying to make sure things were clear. "Roxas…I like you a lot. But give me time, OK? To get used to this and everything…can you? I don't want to hurt you again, but if you can wait a little…I don't want to say anything before I'm sure. Is that OK?"

To his relief, Roxas nodded vigorously, smiling and wiping tears from his cheeks. "Of course. I never thought there was any chance at all…of course I can wait. If I can stay with you…take as long as you need."

Pulling him close again, Axel just hugged Roxas. And it felt so good, so perfect and right, like they _fit_ together. _We'll definitely be OK._

"Are you sure you believe me though? Sure I don't need to show you anyway?" Roxas looked up at him blankly for a moment…then blushed.

"You mean about wanting me?"

"Mmm-hmm." Axel half hoped Roxas would give him an excuse…

Still blushing, the blond evaded his gaze. "I'm half tempted to become very hard to convince…"

"I could definitely convince you though…if you needed proof." He couldn't help grinning at his…his _lover_. It was still so weird…and thrilling. He wanted Roxas. _Roxas_. He wanted his best friend so much…but right now, as much as he liked flirting like this and as much as he meant what he said…it probably wasn't a good idea. He wasn't drunk now, and he could _think_, and if he was starting a real relationship with Roxas, it was probably a good idea to back off on the sexual stuff for a while. Slow down. After all, they had time.

So as Roxas hesitated, he leaned down, brushing blond bangs away and kissing his forehead. "Maybe you can take it on faith for a while, though. We don't need to rush."

Blue eyes searched his, and Roxas seemed to understand. He relaxed, smiling slightly. "Yeah…" Then he grinned, hugging Axel again. "Now I _know_ you're sober."

Squeezing the smaller body, Axel grinned. "Yup. Absolutely."

Roxas' answer was muffled by Axel's shirt. "I'm so happy."

~o~


	10. I've Been Through It All, And So It Goes

**Author's Note: **Well guys, once again _thank you all_, it has been awesome! Sorry to those who were expecting more. Even The Neverending Oneshot must end. XD And once again, for you, Barbara dearest - I hope the original request was satisfied by the (long-delayed and belated) end. :)

So yeah, that birthday giftfic only took...half a year. 2010 is off to a great start! (omfg *dies*)

Anyway, hopefully most of you enjoyed your Wednesdays a bit more than usual for these 10 weeks, and I'm sure many of you are now enjoying your summer, which is, I trust, a meaningful term to you. (Read: you're on vacation now so you don't need mid-week pick-me-ups. Unlike us crotchety old grown-ups who work year-round, OTL.) XD So have a good summer, y'all!

And look to hear from me again soon! ;3

* * *

Chapter 10 ~ I've Been Through It All

For the first week after they became a couple, Axel and Roxas restricted themselves by mutual agreement to hand-holding. They gave each other as much privacy as possible in the apartment and pursued chaste, romantic dates with an almost self-punishing dedication. Roxas, still in great doubt of his own self-control, was clamping down with iron resolve, while Axel was thoroughly chastening himself after his shameful, drunken behavior. He also stopped drinking. (That week he didn't touch alcohol at all, and in the following weeks, though he lapsed occasionally and had a drink or two, he refused to let himself get drunk. In fact, Axel was very rarely drunk at all after that. In the years that followed, he found that he and Roxas didn't need more than a glass or two of wine to start a fire, and the morning after was _much_ nicer.)

Restraint, however, reaches a snapping point. After one week – a week of hand-holding and secret glances and frustrated dreams and aching desires that were _not allowed, no!_ – the lovers were sitting on the couch watching a movie one evening. Clasping Roxas' hand, as always, Axel was trying to be as impressed as he usually was by explosions and fireballs…but his wandering eyes kept _slipping_. The glow of the TV screen was flickering in blue eyes, and the red-orange light when something was exploding on screen looked almost like firelight on the lines of Roxas' face – highlighting and softening at the same time… And the little guy was so close…

And then Axel risked another sly peek sideways at the wrong moment – Roxas was glancing at him, too. Eyes met. All of a sudden there was no movie and no sound but the faint pant of Roxas' fast breathing and no feeling but the small, warm hand he held…blue eyes filling his sight, his soul…

They both snapped at the same moment.

Roxas' lips tasted incredible, so good that Axel never wanted to stop and couldn't believe he'd managed a _week_ without this. And the sudden, desperately tight embrace was so warm and Roxas felt so _alive_ that Axel never wanted to let go. He didn't care if they were making out like horny teenagers and he didn't _care_ that it was still "too soon." It was also "too long since," and Axel couldn't stop until he and Roxas were hovering on the point of no return and it slowly occurred to him that that if they kept touching each other like this they were going to end up rutting on the couch. And the thought of that – so easy to imagine because of the _memories_ of things they'd already done _on this couch_ – though it was insanely arousing, it was also sobering. Because Axel wasn't done punishing himself for the things he'd done to Roxas. Not yet.

So they stopped…barely.

After that, kissing was allowed and frequent – no discussion necessary. There was just no way to _help_ it anymore. The more intense stuff was, admittedly, not such a good idea…but it still began to happen a lot more often in the second and third week of living together. Even if it made life hell…it was such an addicting hell that neither Axel nor Roxas could resist.

~o~

Three weeks of living together as a couple, and it was still too soon. Besides, there was nothing particularly sexy about a Saturday afternoon, and neither of them had had anything stronger than Kool-Aid or Coke to drink. But that was the Saturday afternoon when Axel just couldn't let go when he was supposed to. Just…not this time.

Roxas was pinned to the door frame leading to the bedroom, and he was panting and flushed and Axel couldn't get enough air either and he didn't know how they'd gotten like this – randomly jumped each other at the same time, most likely – but he could barely release Roxas' lips just to _speak_, never mind letting him _go_.

"Still…too soon…" Roxas gasped, moist lips brushing Axel's.

"Do you care?" The redhead's voice was rough and low…a growl of desire. Roxas' reply was immediate.

"No. You?"

"Hell no."

That settled it.

Roxas kicked the bedroom door shut behind them, and the next thing to interrupt Axel's focus on stripping himself and Roxas…was the bed. They fell onto the cushiony surface, still half-dressed and struggling to correct that little problem. Roxas leaned back against the pillows and growled in irritation as he was forced to pull his button-down shirt back _on_ in order to undo the buttons. Apparently his first idea – that it would be quicker to yank the whole thing off like a T-shirt – wasn't working. His concentrated expression was so _adorable_…

"God _damn_," Axel growled, his pants getting stuck and refusing to come off, thoroughly tangled around his ankles. The redhead had to struggle to the edge of the bed to sit up and focus on freeing himself from the denim shackles. _Great, now we're both pissed. This is starting well…_

A snort from behind him was followed by a shirt sailing off the bed to the floor. "There. All the clumsiness is out of the way now. The rest should be easy."

Turning to grin at his best-friend-boyfriend, Axel kicked once more and sent his jeans flying. "Now _that's_ a good way to look at it." He licked his lips, still grinning, eyes sparkling as he stared at Roxas in his underwear. "C'mere, you."

Teasingly, Roxas leaned back instead, watching Axel. "Mmm…why don't _you_ come _here?_" Pale thighs slowly opened, spreading apart and making Axel swallow _hard_ as he was left staring at the front of Roxas' boxer briefs. _I should probably have a comeback for that…I should…uh…_ Instead, mind in a haze, Axel crawled obediently forward, drawn by the promise of warm, smooth skin that he could _touch_. And kiss…

And he did. Roxas fit into his arms like a missing puzzle piece, and Axel's hands and mouth didn't hesitate to travel over his lover, adoring and memorizing. His chest and shoulders and neck tasted wonderful…and then they were kissing again and Roxas was touching him back. They were exploring each other's bodies, so delightfully slow and sensually, sinking into each other as the passion rose between them, within them… _So…hot_.

Axel was pretty sure he was hard in record time. Roxas was probably the same…unless he usually got hard this fast. Somehow, Axel doubted that…but he looked forward to finding out for sure.

He shuddered abruptly when Roxas arched his body upward, rubbing against Axel and grinding their arousals together. The redhead had to control himself to keep from responding too hard – he very nearly slammed Roxas back into the mattress before he checked himself and held back, thrusting back forcefully, but not too violently.

Hands pressing his chest caressed him passionately as Roxas moaned against his mouth, "Axel…please…"

_Oh hell yes._ "Yeah? What should I do?" Whatever it was, he couldn't wait to do it. It was fucking _amazing_ to hear Roxas beg like that.

Hazy blue eyes traveled over his face, Roxas' expression so _cherishing_. "Please…take them off. Undress me. It drives me crazy when you do…"

_God. Damn. _Obeying at once, Axel slipped his hands down to the blond's underwear. _I wish there was more to take off…next time. Next time, I won't let him take off so much as his __**shoes**__._ A slender back arched upward as Roxas lifted himself so that Axel could slip the fabric down. His own boxers quickly followed, and then Axel returned his hands to Roxas. He couldn't get enough of him, couldn't stop _staring_ at the young man he was in bed with. Hazy, drunken memories had _nothing_ on this enticing view. Axel's hands and eyes explored together – he gently pushed Roxas' thighs apart, smoothing his touch over the pale insides, memorizing the location of two little moles, high up, near… _God._ Swallowing, he slid his hands underneath his lover, caressing Roxas' ass with a slow press. He could feel blue eyes watching him, but he didn't quite dare to look up. His face felt hot…and he didn't want to lose his nerve. He wanted to keep touching…

A soft moan encouraged him as Axel's hands moved toward each other, and the redhead shuddered and forced his shyness aside. It wasn't the time to get bashful about this. Anyway, they'd already… _But this time will be different._ Moving his fingers inward, Axel dared to touch Roxas' entrance.

The blond gasped softly. "Ah! F-fuck…more…" Green eyes shot up for a moment, catching the priceless look of arousal on Roxas' face. _Holy shit. Holy __**shit**__._

Hands moving again, Axel traced the seam with a slow stroke, running from Roxas' entrance forward, between his legs, over soft, sensitive skin…forward, over the little golden hairs and the swell of the other male's sac…forward, until soft flesh became hard and warmth became heat and he had Roxas' cock in his hands and was tracing teasing touches over the length and marveling at how much he liked it. And those legs that opened so willingly to him were tense and trembling, and the scent coming from Roxas was making Axel crazy, hard and hungry and almost wild with the need to drive into him, like some carnal urge to _mate_… _How…how is it possible to want somebody this bad? To want __**him**__ this bad?_

He didn't know, but when he looked up and met Roxas' eyes, Axel suddenly knew that he wasn't the only one. There was a mad gleam in those familiar blues that he'd never seen there before, and his lover was reaching for him, his voice husky and low as that wanting gaze roamed Axel's body, "Axel…hurry. I can't wait…" Then, before the redhead could answer, he watched Roxas' gaze stop, fixated…on Axel's groin. His raw _need_ burned even more intensely as the blond continued, "That…give it to me. I want it…" The usually so light and pleasant voice was a demanding growl.

Staring, Axel couldn't look away. He could feel it – he was huge and throbbing with the same desire, he wanted to do it _right now_, but… "I have to…" He swallowed hard. "…I won't hurt you. You aren't ready…" His understanding of preparation wasn't too sophisticated – Axel really had no idea _how much_ would be needed – but he remembered enough to know that he wasn't ever going to enter Roxas dry again. Hurting Roxas wasn't OK.

With an impatient snarl, the blond twisted sideways, arm shooting out toward his bedside table drawer. Within a minute he had straightened under Axel again, and the redhead had little plastic packets shoved into his face. Pulling back, he instantly recognized condoms, and a quick glance showed the other packets to be lubricant. He blinked, taking them. "I didn't know you had this stuff in here…"

Roxas grunted. "Not usually. Usually just…in the bathroom drawer." A surprisingly powerful grip latched onto Axel's forearm, tugging him forward so that he was forced to crawl over Roxas' body, up toward his chest as the blond finished. "This week…I put some here. Some under the sofa cushions. Some in the kitchen. Some in the glove compartment in my car. Left some in the bathroom too." The disgruntled look faded again as Axel straddled Roxas' chest, the young man looking up at him with a wicked grin. "Now…" All thoughts evaporated from the amazed redhead's mind a moment later, as his hips were pulled forward and his cock disappeared between Roxas' lips.

It took him a while to remember what he was supposed to do, after that. Eventually, Roxas looked up at him – _God, yes, that's it_, the blue eyes and pink cheeks and wet lips he'd been dreaming of for what felt like an _eternity_ now – and flicked the plastic wrappers his hand still clutched. A sharp looked seemed to say, _Don't you need these for something?_ That's when Axel remembered that he wasn't getting inside Roxas the _other_ way until he prepared him. And then he had to figure out _how_, when he couldn't exactly pull himself out of that utterly fantastic mouth…

Eventually, he found a way to reach back far enough. He found a way to slip lubricated fingers down and in, and it wasn't too hard if he just arched back a bit. And then he was sliding in and out of his lover's body, and he just couldn't hold his hips _still_ anymore…but that was OK because Roxas was tugging and encouraging him to thrust into his mouth and groaning every time Axel reached deeper in with his fingers, and it was all so amazing and erotic and _mutual_ that Axel couldn't stand it anymore. Roxas' lips squeezing him, his tongue playing around him, alternating between fast and agonizingly slow, a hand that stroked him firmly as lips and careful teeth teased at his head, another hand that massaged his balls while Roxas' breath brushed again and again over hot, wet flesh and all the sensations combined until he was helpless…

Biting his lip hard and groaning deep in his chest, Axel…lost control and came without warning.

As soon as the intense, blinding pleasure of orgasm began to fade, Axel's eyes snapped open. _On his face…and…_ Pink lips had been parted…and hadn't pulled away and closed. The pale drizzle had gone… _In his mouth. Oh my God. _"Oh God Roxas, I'm sorry, _shit_…God, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to at all…"

"It's OK, it's…Axel, it's fine…Axel!" The answer didn't get through to him at once, but when it did, Axel quickly began to notice that Roxas…didn't look the slightest bit upset or surprised. He was actually…smiling? _With my come all over his face…fucking Christ._

He'd crawled off Roxas immediately, and the blond was sitting up, smiling weakly at him, wiping slowly at his face and…_and licking his lips._ "It's OK…I don't mind. I really don't, Axel. I'm happy…" And the redhead was simply beyond shocked when Roxas reached for him, trying to pull him on top again.

"You…you like that kind of thing?" Axel was wavering between lingering mortification at himself for coming too soon – and on Roxas' _face_ – and unspeakable awe at Roxas. _Hot…and…kinda kinky. Damn._

Roxas chuckled. "Well, no. I mean…I never did before. I, uh…never let anyone else do that. But…it's different with you. I…I like it with you." _He's blushing…oh God. He's so cute…_

Gently, Axel lifted a corner of the sheet to wipe Roxas' face clean. "OK. Still…sorry. For…so soon, and all. Um, just give me a minute, and…"

"Yeah." Roxas interrupted him, beaming. "It's OK." Answering fingers caressed his face. "I love making you feel good. I love that you want me…that I arouse you. And…" One slender shoulder shrugged as Roxas grinned. "You haven't stretched me enough yet anyway. So just sit back…" Hands moving to his chest pushed Axel to do just that. "…and watch." Roxas winked.

_He has to be fucking kidding…_

He wasn't.

Axel watched in soul-quivering adoration as Roxas quickly supplied himself with a little lube of his own…then slipped his fingers down between spread legs and…pushed them into himself. Green eyes widened, staring as Roxas began to move his fingers in and out, adding more almost at once, his whole body a delicious display for Axel's eyes, sweating and beautiful as the blond fingered himself, opening his body up, preparing for…for Axel.

The redhead was fairly sure he'd never recovered an erection in under five minutes before – even counting three weeks ago at the hotel. That might have been just about five minutes. This time, it was about two and a half, and maybe a few seconds beyond that for getting a condom on. Good thing Roxas wasn't taking his time, either.

"OK…" Axel's voice rasped weakly, and he cleared his throat, crawling forward again. "I'm ready. You can…turn over…" _Hurry up and let me take you, God oh God, Roxas…_

But instead of that, Axel was surprised by a kiss. A sweet, tender kiss…and then another smile. "Not today. I want to face you." Arms around his neck pulled him down, on top of the hottest body he'd ever longed to make love to with every molecule of his being…

_But_… "I thought…doesn't that hurt you?" He was pretty sure he remembered something like that from Roxas' instructions at the hotel…

"Mmm, no. Not really. I was just…not confident enough to face you last time." Cheeks flushed slightly as he spoke, and Axel shivered with need. "But, uh…this time…" The words trailed off, and Roxas finished speaking with his body – his legs spread, then moved up to wind around Axel's hips and pull their bodies together while blue eyes smiled hopefully into his own.

_Yes, yes, yes…_ It was exactly what Axel wanted too. "God, Roxas…you don't know what you're doing to me."

The blond hummed, then whispered against Axel's neck as the redhead shifted and positioned himself. "You don't know how much I want you…_ahhhh!_"

Pressing forward, Axel entered Roxas. Soft heat closed around him slowly as Axel carefully penetrated his lover. Roxas drew him in, legs pulling his hips to bring him deeper and deeper, no halting or stopping short – Roxas wouldn't let him. Apparently, Roxas wanted _all_ of him, _now_. And Axel wanted the same, and took all of his best friend with gentle passion, until he couldn't go deeper. Then he tried to wait a moment…but Roxas was trembling and shifting against him and whispering pleas to _Move, move Axel, please…_ So he did.

And within minutes Axel already knew – no matter how intense and thrilling their previous encounters had been, no matter how much those memories of intoxicated passion had made him shudder these last three weeks – that was _nothing_. This, right now – this was so much _better_. Because this time, he could really focus on Roxas' _face_. He could stare into those blue eyes and understand the soul within them, he could read his lover's expressions – all the shades and subtleties of his desire and pleasure – and now, for the first time, he felt like they were really _connected_. He wasn't just inside Roxas, having sex with him. That had been good, but this was impossibly, infinitely better. This was soul-deep vulnerability and acceptance. This was _lovemaking_.

Shaking arms and legs had been clinging to him, Roxas half sitting up, but pleasure soon weakened the blond's grasp, and he was slipping and falling back onto the bed. Axel felt the legs around his hips grip tighter, and it was certainly a beautiful sight – Roxas melted with pleasure, unguarded beneath him – but the loss of contact…wasn't OK. He needed the _heat_ of his lover's skin…

Axel shifted, changing the angle of his thrusts as he moved to lower himself above Roxas, arms supporting his weight. The weak smile that welcomed him was so lovely…Axel wanted to kiss him…

Roxas was suddenly blocked from view by…red. Long, red spikes cascading right into Axel's face and getting very much in the way. "Damn it!" Axel growled, trying to shake his head and toss the hair aside. _Why do I let it get this fucking long? Get…out of the…!_ "Shit…I need a rubber band," he mumbled in annoyance.

Laughter reached his ears, and the next moment Roxas' hands were pushing through his hair firmly, raking it back from his face. Able to see again, he looked down at his panting, grinning boyfriend, feeling the hands stop somewhere behind his head, holding most of his hair back. "Is that better?" Roxas chuckled, and Axel relaxed. He could see this precious face again. _Perfect_.

"Mmmm. Think you can hold it like that?" Axel leaned forward to claim Roxas' lips before the blond could answer, but he felt the vibrating _Mmmm-hmmm_ against his mouth. "Good." He kissed Roxas again. "Don't let go." _We're going to stay just like this. God…he feels so good. And he tastes…_

Moving slowly, Axel continued to thrust gently, one hand stroking down Roxas' warm body to take hold of his erection. His other arm half supported his weight and half embraced his lover. _It's so easy…to think of him this way…to feel this much for him…_ And, as Roxas kept Axel's hair out of the way, the redhead leaned down and kissed his boyfriend, again and again and again, kissing his lips, his face, his throat, his ears…kissing him and watching him moan and tremble as he moved inside Roxas, gradually adding power to his thrusts. And legs pulled him deeper, faster, and hands pulled his head down even in the rare moments when Axel stopped kissing him briefly – Roxas wouldn't allow it.

"Axel…A-Axel, _ahh!_ _Axel…!"_

_Oh wow…amazing._ He'd had no idea it would be this good. "Roxas_…nnh!_" _Shit, I'm gonna lose it again…_

"Ax…el…al…most…" Faster now, and harder…so hard that Roxas was having trouble forcing out coherent words. Though Axel's mouth may have been getting in the way too… "Gonna…c-come…_Axel!_"

Roxas cried out and released, and his erotic beauty in that moment branded itself into Axel's mind forever. It was unbearable, how perfect he was…and it was no wonder that Axel barely lasted seconds longer. Even to the redhead himself, who was used to having better stamina…it was no wonder at all.

It was just hot and perfect and intense and thrilling. And it was Roxas. And Axel knew, now… _It won't be long…not long at all._

They kissed sloppily for a long time afterward, recovering, slowing their breathing. Axel waited entirely too long to withdraw from Roxas' body, so that when he finally did, he couldn't bite back his wincing, "Ow ow ow _ow ow ow!_" Roxas was watching him with worry, biting his lip and trying _very_ hard not to squeeze, even though it was a difficult reflex to prevent.

"You OK?" The concerned blue eyes searched his face, and Axel mentally kicked himself. _Good move. That's what __**I**__ should be asking __**him**_.

He sighed, however, releasing a slightly rueful chuckle at himself. "So much for getting all the awkwardness out of the way in the beginning. I haven't been this clumsy since…years!" Roxas just grinned tiredly, chuckling at him and pulling Axel close again. Axel pointed a finger in his boyfriend's face, meeting lovely blue eyes with a serious stare. "I'll do better next time. Promise. I'll show you how good I can be." He was teasing, a little…but he also meant it. He didn't want Roxas to start regretting picking a formerly straight guy who didn't know how to do it with a man.

But his boyfriend just snorted and kissed him, and then spoke softly as tender fingers caressed Axel's face, "I think you're good enough already. Better than I ever imagined. But I won't argue…" His voice faded to a shy whisper, "…about _next time_."

Axel rolled his eyes. "What, were you worried I wouldn't want to do it again? Geez, Roxas, haven't I convinced you _yet?_"

Arms wound around his torso tightly, squeezing. "No…you have. I believe you, Axel." And, as good as he'd been feeling, the content tone of Roxas' voice letting him know that his boyfriend was happy too – that made everything twice as perfect.

"Well. That's OK then." Smiling happily, the lovers dozed off for a Saturday afternoon cat nap.

~o~

Epilogue ~ And So It Goes

~o~

Sora was pissed, at first. It took a few months before his protective rage began to subside in the face of Roxas' ongoing happiness and Axel's persisting sincerity. It took a lot of persuasion from his cousin before Sora started to believe that maybe, after all, Axel was OK. It also took two very awkward and confrontational one-on-one "chats" with Axel – the first one didn't go so well, because it was too soon, Axel couldn't make any promises yet, and Sora's suspicion was hardly appeased. The second one, two and a half months later, went much better.

"What are your intentions toward my cousin?" Relentless. Just like the first time. But this time, clear green eyes locked with almost-familiar blue at once, Axel's voice firm.

"I want to be the one to make him happy. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, doing just that."

Riku shrugged and didn't seem to mind when Axel told him. He offered his placid congratulations and went home just as calmly to soothe his fuming boyfriend.

Naminé acted surprised and happy, but it didn't take a woman's intuition to see that the surprise looked a little forced. In fact, there was more _I thought so_ in her Roxas-blue eyes than even her brother had suspected would be there.

Tifa got the shock of her life. But she got over it. It wasn't any time that year, though.

Saïx didn't talk to Axel for a while. But that might also have been because he went on a walking tour of Europe. He came back with a white-haired foreign man who spoke halting English and whom Saïx _swore_ was just his roommate, just here for a new country, new experience. Ten years later, the country still seemed to be full of strange and fresh appeal, because the guy hadn't gone home yet.

Demyx was actually…stunned into silence. Perhaps for the first time since Axel had known him. But then a question occurred to the sandy-blond smile factory, and then another, and another, and within five minutes Demyx had forgotten his shock and was overflowing with questions for Axel. What was it like? Was it really good? Was it romantic? Was it hot? Did the male features bother him? Did the lack of female features take away some of the fun? Had he bottomed? Did it hurt? Well then, did _Roxas_ think it hurt? How could a person tell if another guy was gay? Where did gay people meet each other? What did Axel _mean_ he had no idea?

After five girlfriends of varying durations, Demyx had gotten an idea. The next time Axel heard from his musical friend, Demyx had – rather randomly, and from who-knew-where – picked himself up a quiet, stoic, everything-Demyx-wasn't _boy_friend and become even happier than usual.

Axel was beginning to get a little unnerved by the number of gay people he knew.

Roxas came out. Not right away, but before the end of the year. He told his family and close friends first. Especially the friends he shared with Axel, because the redhead didn't particularly want to be closeted, even if he _did_ feel insanely weird about declaring the change in his sexuality to those he'd known for years. He just didn't feel right keeping secrets, though…but he would have, if Roxas had still wanted to.

However, the blond had really…lost his reason to cling to secrecy. So they both came out socially and helped each other through the challenge of telling their families. And some time after that, when things had settled down in the personal sphere, Roxas and Axel came out professionally as well. Neither one lost his job over it.

Axel stayed at Roxas' place while looking for an apartment. It seemed smart to try to start fresh, and living together from the beginning wasn't conducive to that kind of relationship. Besides, there was only one bed…and the couch wasn't much fun for the first three weeks. However, nothing turned up in the first month, and a few possibilities fell through in the second – mostly because they didn't quite measure up to Axel's standards. Maybe they would have in the first month, but by the second month, Axel had realized a few more things that he just _had_ to have in an apartment, and if they weren't there, well…he'd keep looking.

By the third month, the ads and real estate magazines were buried on the coffee table and almost forgotten, and the couch had long since stopped serving as a bed…except for random occasions when the real bed was too far away for two very impatient young men. Axel never did move into his own place. He did eventually _move_…but Roxas went with him.

Roxas did _not_ leave Axel standing at the altar…and Axel wasn't even slightly worried that he would.

~o~

The End

~o~

**Note to readers!** Hey guys! If you read this because you're into Axel and Roxas and that's pretty much it, well...thanks! I hope you liked it! :D But if you _also_ wonder if this Kurosora1984 lady has anything else to entertain you, and if you are even a little interested in _other_ guys getting their sexy romance on, check out my current original story on FP! Links in my profile! Thank you, dears! :D


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